A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Sunday, August 18, 2002
I'm sitting here waiting for my mom to be done with the phone so I can finish my english project. I should probably be doing bio, but that's not due until later this week so it doesn't matter as much.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my world the past couple days. Love, attraction, the physical, the mental, friendship, how I feel about Analise, Donovan, Erin, Casey, Chris, Josh and Ricky. About how much I want those people involved in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking of abolishing anyone from *Becca land*, its just that things are changing and I'm wondering how much of me I need to give to each, or really how much I want to give to each.
Relationship wise, well, I'm a little confused. I want someone that I can have those special *romantic moments* with, but not someone who I'm tied down to. Not particularly because I want to date others, but just because of all of the energy and pieces of me that go into that kind of relationship, I'm simply tired. I want the physical and most of the mental and emotional, I just don't want it to weigh me down like it used to.
I want someone "better" than me. I feel like the majority of my life I've been bending down for relationships. That doesn't make sense. I feel like I've been the one who has to provide the entertainment, the seriousness, the feeling, the mood, the intelligence. I want someone as smart as me, some one as funny as me, someone who can get serious, someone who can make me laugh and think at the same time. I don't want to make me laugh, I want them to. I want to say this, I'm not trying to hurt feelings, but Analise and I knew that I was some, not all, of these things in our relationship. I knew that a lot of it was riding on how funny I could be, or how stable I could be in that moment. That was ok then, that was what we both needed, but now I need someone equal or better than me in those ways. God, I hope I'm not hurting feelings, I'm not meaning to at all. What she and I had was amazing and beautiful and it was some of the best moments in my life. It was a breathtaking feeling. If there was a chance to have it back, gosh, I would be so tempted, but its not, and I don't really want it to come back. I want to take some this time, take just as much as I give.
I am an amazing person. I am kind, nice, funny, considerate, smart and good looking. I am an amazing person. I've only realized that in the last few weeks, realized it and began to believe it. Now I know I am. Isn't that silly? It took me almost 17 years to figure out what all of my friends and close ones have known all along. Now, once again don't get me wrong, I realize I have numerous things to work on and to grow with, but even though I know I'm not done growing I know that right now and always I have been an amazing person. I love me and it makes me tear up when I finally say it and truly mean it.
People love me and I mean *love*. People like me and I mean *like*. Not everyone, not even close to everyone, but quite a few, I might even be hitting double digits. Its not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. Sometimes I find it funny, sometimes slightly depressing. I've had to tell three people this week that I'm not ready for a relationship with them this week. One of them I actually looked into their eyes when I said it. I don't like to hurt people, even though it wasn't a huge deal. This person isn't in love with me as far as I know, its just a small let down I hope. I don't like it though, I don't like hurting the people I can't be with right now. I can't be what everyone needs or wants me to be, but I will promise to always be a friend. I always want to hear from you when you have a problem or something amazing happens in your life. I want to be happy with you and I want to be sad with you. I'm a good friend and I always want to be that way.
I don't want to write for you anymore. So many people are reading this now, I just don't like the pressure to produce, I don't like not being able to write whatever the poo I want. I'm getting a new blogger, in fact I've already made it and posted once. Its not that I don't want to share me with you, it's just that to many people are getting in me, searching around and knowing. I just don't feel comfortable doing it anymore. This is something I need to do for me. I might give the address to a few people, but I want it to stay within those few, few people. Its nothing personal if you don't get it, please don't be offended. If you must, you can ask for the address, though I probably won't give it to you. I'm more likely to give it to someone I know inside out and someone that I don't know at all. Its those people in the middle that make me uneasy. I'm sorry.
I might post here every once in a while, though not as much as I used to. Even on the new blogger I won't post as much.
I feel kind of sad, a worn out, stretched, incomplete sad. Maybe not incomplete, I feel whole in myself, but not around me. Not like my house though, not like my family, but maybe in my relationships. So many things are changing. Life is changing. That's not bad at all, in fact it's a really good thing. But, it still makes me feel a little sad.
Last night I felt alone, really alone. I just want some closure on Analise and I. I want to discover something new and amazing. It doesn't have to be love, just something else.
I am happy at this time in my life, I really am. Right now I'm just thoughtful.
"That's when Analise loved me the best, when I was rambling." Something I said to Erin last night, after we had talked about *stuff* and made sure everything was ok. She said something about not being able to find some one like me, something about they didn't think out loud like I do. I love thinking out loud, it brings me such a great joy. I think that's what Analise fell in love with, my thoughtful ramblings. That was when she loved me the most.
I'm going to leave you with a song, one I'm very fond of. I hope you enjoy and I just hope that you know that I feel honored to have shared this time in my life with you. Its time for me to change, its time for me roll. Good bless, may you find wisdom in your journeys. I love you.
Rebecca
Mackenzie Phillips
Rebecca
Rebecca moves across the world
She’s a scirocco on the sand
She is the Nile that flows forever
Cutting a wound across the land
She’ll be your friend before you know her
She’ll have your trust before it’s earned
But like any nomad she will wander
Breaking the hearts of all concerned
History clouds what we remember
The one you wanted her to be
Mystery shrouds her like an island
But it’s an island in a lonely sea
Oh, Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca
I was thirteen going on forty
Wasting my summer on the beach
Burned on the outside, raw in the middle
That Molly’s just too hard to reach
But Rebecca moved in, she moved me
The best friend I’d ever had
And then one day she went away
Didn’t think I’d ever feel that bad
Where did you go?
Why did you lie?
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
How ‘bout the promise
That you made me?
Was it really so easy to trade me
For another town
Another friend
Another beginning without any end…
So many times I would’ve called you
If I’d had your number in my hand
You were the one I would’ve turned to
When things didn’t go the way I’d planned
I never got a chance to tell you
Things didn’t go the way I’d planned...
History clouds what I remember
The one I wanted her to be
Mystery shrouds her like an island
Does she still remember me?
My life is like a turnstile
So many strangers passing through
There’ve been more than I can number
But I still remember you
Oh, Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca
10:55 PM
Saturday, August 10, 2002
Yes, I am alive, however, I am exahusted...
I have been so totally wiped for the last two or three months, I really need to get some sleep, but first, some writing.
I miss Analise a lot. I miss being able to think about her, I miss talking to her. I miss having a bad day but then suddenly remebering that a special girl loves me. I miss being able to fill myself with her love, even from a distance, and know that my prescence is truly missed. I want some closure on this thing soon, real soon.
I have someone who I like, who I really want to date. I'm afraid that this person won't want to date me, and that if they did, I would hurt someone else by dating them. I don't want to hurt feelings, and though this may sound concieted *I'm sure it does*, for some crazy reason a lot of people have decided that I'm the one for them or that they really want to date me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but this one person is calling out to me, whether they know it or not. I just want someone to hold me and to want to be held by me.
There is this one freshman girl who is gorgeous, well, maybe not gorgeous, but very pretty. The only thing is I think she's a cheerleader reject or she quit for some reason. She seems very clickish and vally girl like to me. *BAD SIRENS GO OFF* No girl like that for Becca. Plus the fact that she rolls her eyes at me while I'm teaching her how to march kind of turns me off.
I can't look at Analise's picture anymore, it hurts to think that at one point that smile was meant IN love and now its only for love. I'm ready for it to be over but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I think of her. Oh well................
I'm wiped, band camp is really draining. I'm heading off to bed.
If anyone randomly feels moved to climb into bed with me and snuggle, feel free, friendly or *friendly* snuggling welcome.
Night night.
I'm so stinking weird....................
10:01 PM
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
I feel weird inside. Analise and I are so edgy around each other. I wish we could just act like we're ok with each other. I'm ok with her, not that I don't miss her, but I'm ok. It seems like there is this wall there. I just want to break through that wall, so that we can be ourselves to each other. I just want us to be who we are and enjoy each others prescence. God, I suck at spelling. Anyways, yeah, things could be better in that part of my life.
Last night I had an amazing conversation with Josh. It was life changing, at least for me. I really do love the boy, I really do.
I have crushes on a lot of people. I want to get out there, I want to do something. I want to experince a relationship with someone close to home. Someone I can hug and kiss, someone that can truly appreciate me and that I can truly appreciate. Don't get me wrong, my time with Analise was wonderful and amazing, but I want something more existant now. Something that isn't just wishes. I would love to have it with her, but she doesn't feel that way and even if she did, it would only be dreams and wishes, nothing real. I'm ready to move on.
A lot of the freshman in band are really pretty. The only thing is that they're freshman, I don't know if there is a single mature one in the whole bunch. Oh, lol, and I'm pretty sure they're all straight except for one of my drummers whos like a sister to me. Lol, nope, no band girls for Becca.....
I want to snuggle with someone, it feels so good!!! Anyone want to volunteer? Maybe? Please? Damn.
Lol.
I was supposed to be snuggling with someone right NOW, but, because I had to stay at the band hall two and a half hours later than I was supposed to, I'm not. Damn it, I could be kissing someone right NOW. It would feel so good.
I guess this might make me sound like a whore, or something like it. You may think what you want, I do not ask you not to judge. I have needed a physical for a year, denyed myself in the name of love and now in the name of love I seek it. Its what I need now, so think what you may my friends.
I'm really tired, I need to go to bed. I also need to talk to Vanessa to find out when she's coming up to Ft. Worth and Joshua.
Night night.
Good bless.
8:44 PM
Monday, August 05, 2002
dabopgk: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mighty Vorsh: Yay?
dabopgk: i don't know, i made him think
dabopgk: really think about it
The Mighty Vorsh: Who? Josh?
The Mighty Vorsh: About what? How?
dabopgk: josh
dabopgk: logic
The Mighty Vorsh: Do tell.
dabopgk: religious logic
dabopgk: i don't konw
dabopgk: it just came pouring out of me
dabopgk: he sat there silently for the last couple minutes
dabopgk: i think he was crying
The Mighty Vorsh: You spoke?
dabopgk: yeah
The Mighty Vorsh: What did you say?
The Mighty Vorsh: What did he say?
The Mighty Vorsh: Tell me!
dabopgk: we argued about god, heaven, hell, i told him in the end that i just want him to be happy, that god wants him to be happy and that it doesn't matter how he is happy, if he is happy gay then thats fine and if he is happy straight thats fine i just don't want to be around him when i can tell he's lying, when i can feel his unease. It doesn't matter if he is happy with himself
dabopgk: he didn't say anything back
The Mighty Vorsh: I wish I could talk to him.
The Mighty Vorsh: I still have his phone number, even.
dabopgk: don't, hes talking to his parents, i'm sure
The Mighty Vorsh: I know.
dabopgk: oh god chris, he stopped spouting verses
dabopgk: he listened
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm glad.
The Mighty Vorsh: Do you know of a time he'd be in the house and his parents would be out of it?
dabopgk: i am so happy
dabopgk: i don't know
The Mighty Vorsh: I wish I could've been there.
dabopgk: me too babe
The Mighty Vorsh: I'd really like to talk to him.
dabopgk: call him
The Mighty Vorsh: What, now?
dabopgk: i don't know, maybe
The Mighty Vorsh: No, not now.
dabopgk: i am not sane at the moment, realize that
The Mighty Vorsh: *tickles you*
dabopgk: *laughs insaninly*
dabopgk: *spells badly*
The Mighty Vorsh: I want to laugh insanininily.
The Mighty Vorsh: ininininin
dabopgk: its fun!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mighty Vorsh: That makes me hopeful.
dabopgk: me too
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm still pessimistic, though.
dabopgk: this isn't the end
dabopgk: its a beginning
The Mighty Vorsh: I certainly admire you.
The Mighty Vorsh: God's not an easy foe to go toe-to-toe with. ^_^
dabopgk: we're still going to have to struggle through everything, through doubt, but we can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dabopgk: gods not my foe
dabopgk: hes my allie
dabopgk: ally
dabopgk: hahaha
The Mighty Vorsh: You crazy Christian. ^_^
dabopgk: not a christian
dabopgk: i'm just a spiritual person
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm a diest.
dabopgk: i'm no denomination
dabopgk: cool stuff
The Mighty Vorsh: I have an adversarial relationship with the Christian God. ^_^
The Mighty Vorsh: You probably never read Ghayste, huh.
dabopgk: nah
The Mighty Vorsh: It was my magnum opus on religion.
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm busy adapting it to be a comic book. ^_^
dabopgk: o?
dabopgk: hahaha, kick ass
The Mighty Vorsh: Wanna see some of the art for it?
dabopgk: sure
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/treasure=color.jpg <-- Saegrum "Sage" Morriv, the main character, as a young boy. He's a thief.
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/merialcolors.jpg <-- Costume sketch for Merial, a priestess.
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/kedrickface.jpg <-- Pretty, CG coloured pic of Kedrick Raven, a Templar (warrior priest, basically) and lifelong friend of Merial
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/ghaystedoodle2.jpg <-- Costume sketches for Kedrick and Rivin, a young boy with a mysterious secret
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/ghaystedoodle1.jpg <-- Costume sketches for Merial and Sage
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/slice.jpg <-- Pencil sketch of Slice, a fence, and an old friend of Sage
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/brothers.jpg <-- Sage and Rivin
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/sagepic.jpg <-- Sage, wearing a towel. A Valentine's day present from my artist. ^_^
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/waterfall-sage.jpg <-- Sage in a waterfall, another Valentine's day present
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/catrivin.jpg <-- Lineart of Rivin, as a catboy. He's not a catboy in the comic. But you can, however, see how he's horrible deformed.
The Mighty Vorsh: I think that's all for now... ^_^
The Mighty Vorsh: Nifty, huh? ^_^
dabopgk: i like
The Mighty Vorsh: Isn't Sage a cutie? ^_^
dabopgk: dork lol
dabopgk: yes he is
The Mighty Vorsh: And Kedrick's kind of cute in that "I'm a hotheaded kid!" way. ^_^
dabopgk: silly boy
dabopgk: i've got to go to bed love
The Mighty Vorsh: See you later, Becca. It was nice talking to you. ^_^
dabopgk: right back at ya
dabopgk: nighty night
dabopgk: I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hiddenangellove: what what what!!!!????
hiddenangellove: what did you do?!?!?
dabopgk: Josh, my ex gay friend got online, and he walked up to my house and we had a three hour conversation
hiddenangellove: YAY!!!
dabopgk: i think i got him
hiddenangellove: i'm glad babe...so i'm assuming things went well then
dabopgk: YES
dabopgk: i am so happy
hiddenangellove: *hugs* i'm so happy for you hun
dabopgk: oh, god, i could cry for joy
hiddenangellove: thats great babe..are u guys going to be friends again then?
dabopgk: it doesn't matter, as long as he can love himself
hiddenangellove: well thats good, is he still denying himself?
dabopgk: i'm going to copy something on to here, maybe it'll make more sense
dabopgk: dabopgk: we argued about god, heaven, hell, i told him in the end that i just want him to be happy, that god wants him to be happy and that it doesn't matter how he is happy, if he is happy gay then thats fine and if he is happy straight thats fine i just don't want to be around him when i can tell he's lying, when i can feel his unease. It doesn't matter if he is happy with himself
hiddenangellove: wow
dabopgk: i wasn't talking tess
dabopgk: it just came out
dabopgk: the logical conclusions jumped out of my mouth
dabopgk: i connected everything as the words flew out
hiddenangellove: thats awesome becca, i'm really glad you finally said it all to him
dabopgk: i must have talked for an hour straight without failure
hiddenangellove: thats great
dabopgk: god, i am so excited and happy
dabopgk: yikes
dabopgk: ok
hiddenangellove: and whats even better is that he listened
dabopgk: breathing
dabopgk: yeah it is
dabopgk: wow
hiddenangellove: yeah hun deep breathes
hiddenangellove: lol
dabopgk: yay
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: i hope he really heard me
hiddenangellove: i do too hun, for your sake and for his
dabopgk: i hope that i can speak like that again some day
dabopgk: that i can teach someone, help someone
hiddenangellove: but you just have to let it be now, you've done all you can, love him and see his divinity....i'm sure y ou will babe, if you can do it once you can do it again
dabopgk: oh god, i have never felt so connected
hiddenangellove: *hugs*
dabopgk: *hugs back and laughs and cries*
hiddenangellove: it makes me happy to see you so happy becca :-)
dabopgk: me too *giggles*
hiddenangellove: aww hehe
hiddenangellove: your so cute
dabopgk: it makes me happy to know that you're happy because i'm happy because he's thinking
dabopgk: hahahaha
hiddenangellove: lol
hiddenangellove: THAT wasnt confusing..but hehe i gotchya
dabopgk: *giggles*
dabopgk: that sounds like something you would say lol
hiddenangellove: lol *nods* yup
dabopgk: wow, i am amazing
hiddenangellove: *nods* yes yes you are
dabopgk: isn't it silly how some times we dont' believe that?
hiddenangellove: yeah it is
dabopgk: ok, check this
hiddenangellove: ok
dabopgk: i love people, and those people love other people, and those people love other people, and those people love other people. Everyone is loved by SOMEONE, even if by only one person. If we are ALL loved, and god IS love we are ALL GOD BECAUSE WE LOVE ALL!!!
dabopgk: god, i am SO saving thqat
dabopgk: that
dabopgk: lol
hiddenangellove: wow, your on top of the world right now babe, you go....thats awesome
hiddenangellove: !!
dabopgk: wow, holy shit
dabopgk: i'm crazy, in a good way lol
hiddenangellove: deep breath babe
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: gosh
hiddenangellove: :-D
dabopgk: i wish i could have recorded my self talking
dabopgk: i said so much
dabopgk: in so little
dabopgk: i even worked in the fact that words are dead lol\
hiddenangellove: thats awesome
hiddenangellove: lol
hiddenangellove: now theres a task
dabopgk: wow
dabopgk: what are we capable of?
dabopgk: everything
dabopgk: wow
hiddenangellove: :-)
hiddenangellove: your on such a high right now
dabopgk: yeah, this is different than rally hig
dabopgk: h
hiddenangellove: yeah
dabopgk: amelia, the regi my first year in YOU had this workshop about breaking through walls, in our lives, about conquring fears and living rally in the real world
dabopgk: she talked so continuesly, so divinly
hiddenangellove: *nods*
hiddenangellove: thats cool
dabopgk: i think i sounded like her tonight
dabopgk: wow, i must be boring lol
hiddenangellove: you sounded like YOU tonight
dabopgk: i mean in the sense that we were both divinly inspiried
dabopgk: or spelled right lol
dabopgk: we both spoke with the same passion
hiddenangellove: yeah
dabopgk: i know i sound a little crazy right now, but wait until you've had this kind of moment, you'll be just as crazy
dabopgk: wow
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: i've got to go to bed love, i'm gonna writein my journal for a long time
dabopgk: i love you
dabopgk: thank you for listening to me
hiddenangellove: ok babe...no problem it was so much fun
hiddenangellove: i'll ttys ok?
hiddenangellove: sleep well
dabopgk: night
hiddenangellove: what time is it there anyway?
hiddenangellove: love you
dabopgk: oh, its 11 20
dabopgk: you?
hiddenangellove: 12:20
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: go to sleep!!!
dabopgk: love you babe
dabopgk: night
hiddenangellove: lol
hiddenangellove: night
hiddenangellove: ditto
11:20 PM
Wow, I don't feel like writing. How amazing.
I am successful, I am loved, I am perfect, I am divine, I am deserving. I AM ME. I AM GOOD.
Just be, have no expectations.
Peace be still and know we are god.
Josh might actually still care about me.
Analise and I are just fine.
Life is good.
Band is great.
V and Daniel are coming to Joshua soon.
CONFERENCE WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:10 PM
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Does this post?
5:37 AM
Thursday, July 04, 2002
Wow, I'm off for Europe tomorrow. It's crazy.
While I'm gone I'm going to be blogging at another site-Euro Girl. It shouldn't be to different, but I just felt like I didn't want people I didn't really know on this one. I put that address up on my YOU room dry erase board and I'm giving it to a whole bunch of people I just met. I'm still going to be completly open about everything but, yeah, I don't know...
I probably should go, I have to mow the front yard. *Tears for me*
1:15 PM
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
I had a lot of interesting thoughts today, one of them being that everything I think of, someone else has thought. It is quite a humbling bit of introspection. I think its good for me.
So last night, Erin and I were playing on my intermediate school play ground. Well, more like walking around it. It's been raining for the past three or four days, so everything was soaked, so we just walked around and talked. After a while, I saw something that made my spirit jump with joy; the old double bars. Back in the day, all the girls would gather around the double bars as soon as recess started. Sometimes we would have a *gymnastic* competition, the judges picking by who they liked best, on and off the bars lol. Sometimes we would just sit on them and tell secrets. You know, those really scary secrets, the ones you never tell anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, well, you know, Matt? Matt, yeah the one who sits next to Micheal? He's cute!!!!!!!!! *Sighs* Wow. Oh so long ago. Fond memories. I realized today, that those double bars hadn't existed since 4th grade, not until my eyes glanced upon them last night. It is quite a strange idea, the concept that if it is not constantly in your life, constantly being brought up and recognized as real, it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist because it has no real purpose in my life. It only acctually existed for 30, maybe 45 minutes, that is if we were lucky, a day, for two years and only during the school year. It was real last night, though I could swear it doesn't exist today.
Ben and I talked alot about music genres today. About why the bands that have no melody and no harmony and nothing but screaming and simple angry words are big. I said that its cause high school isn't that much better than middle school. that teenagers and highschoolers aren't "happy" with the world. To tell the truth, I like almost every band he said he disliked. He said in college, the big music out there is the "celebration of life" as opposed to "I only care about myself, I hate everyone". I think its a good change. I can't wait until college.
I think I need to change the title of my blog. It has served me well, but no longer is a true reflection of who I am. If anyone has suggestions for the new name, write to me at dabopgk@hotmail.com, or catch me on aim as dabopgk.
Much love to all.
Becca
8:55 PM
To Me
Sorry
Our Lady Peace
Today's a reason for living
Today's the blood from a stone
Today's a light from a candle
Helping us to find our way home
Today we carry each other
Today the past is a freak
Today's a time for forgiveness
You were never that good to me
(Welcome to this world of mine)
I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I just say goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Yeah
Today's tasting the honey
Today's the strike of a match
And today's the lines in the pavement
Helping us to find our way back
Today's the crosses we carry
Today's the strength that we need
And today's the hand of an angel
You were not the kind to believe
(Welcome to this world of mine)
I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I just say goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Yeah
Oh what a day, oh what a day, oh my God
Oh what a day, oh what a day, oh my God
Oh what a day, oh what a day, oh my God
And oh my God, and oh my God, yeah
Today we carry each other
Today we do what we should
Today's a time for forgiving
Today I wish I could...
I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning, I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I just say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Another bye, goodbye, goodbye
Another bye, goodbye, goodbye, yeah
Another bye, goodbye, goodbye
Another bye, goodbye, bye
10:21 AM
I had a blast tonight. So much fun. We ate at Chili's and then hung out at my elementry school play ground, then my intermediate school play ground. Played the question game. It rocked.
12:40 AM
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
S E X X Y
Lol, thats one of my favorite songs by TMBG. It kicks thoroughly. *Grins* Muahahahahahahaha, I just thought I would mention sex one more time before I moved on to something else. *Giggles*.
I'm about to go chill with my friend from soccer, Erin. She and I played together on the Cleburne Magic, a club team that was in existance for a year before it fell apart, aka- all the good players left (*Teehee* one fo them was me). She and I have kept in touch, kind of sort of, through e-mail and msn. She is an amazing girl, funny as hell and great to hang around on. She's even got an awesome nickname, which yours truly bestowed upon her all those years ago; C.P. or more commonly know as Cool Pants. *Grins*. If you really want to know, ask later............ Anyways, I'm excited and nervous. I don't think I've told her I'm bi, but of course dating is going to come up. Should I be honest? I want to be. I think she would be cool, but who knows....... Anyways, I'm not really to nervous about it, but a little.
Big fight with my mom today, over something completely trivial. Found out something. There is something really wrong with her, like physically, like she might not be able to go to Europe because she's going to be having multiple surguries. We don't know for sure yet. We find out tomorrow. I love my mommy, I really do, we just fight a bunch. We're both going to try to stop, really hard. I hope it works.
I want to talk to Analise, but thats normal.
Where should Erin and I eat tonight? Chili's? On the Border? McDonalds? Burger King? Wendys? I have no idea, I guess it all depends on the price range. I wonder if I can get some money out of mommy..................... *grins* That sure is something nice to write after that paragraph about loving my mommy. But seriously, I do.
Sex.
Hahahahahaha, I am so strange. I was thinking, maybe just the WORD does something for someone. You crazy SEX driven looneys!!!
Muahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much love.
Bye.........
7:32 PM
Monday, July 01, 2002
I'm really horny today. Really horny.
You know, I thought for about twenty minutes before deciding to post that statement on here. Why? Because in today's society its taboo to mention the fact that we are sexually oriented beings. Seriously, to talk/think/act on or about sex is a horrible thing. However, and I find this amazingly strange, our entire society is based upon SEX. Sexual orientation, sexual attraction, sexual feelings, who's attracted to who, who screwed who, who's in love with who, and yet, its socially incorrect to mention anything past the normal gutteral grunts of- she's pretty, he's cute, nice body. Why is sex given such a negative connotation? It doesn't make sense. Of course, stds are rampant, sex is an emotional commitment, sex is human beings at their most basic instincts, but does that make it something negative? Does that make it "bad"? I don't think so. Sex is a completely natural occurance. Its not something "new" that someone worked up in a warped manner. It isn't something innappropriate. Without sex, we as a human race would cease to exist. We seem to enjoy sex so much that we've OVERpopulated the earth. Thats where homosexuals and bi-sexuals come in. Josh and I (a long, long time ago) thought about this and decided that we are natures cure to the overpopulation of a species. Because we have little or no desire to have intercourse with a member of the opposite sex we're obviously not reproducing, a feeble attempt to control the world population. Wow. I just wrote an ass load of stuff on sex. How fun and slightly contraversal!!!
I bet you I've embarressed someone by writing this. I might have embarressed myself lol, but why do I care? Its not like anythings going to happen about it.
I'm still horny.
6:57 PM
I'm doing better. In mind, body and spirit. I need to stop eating sugar though, like really bad.
Its hard to be away from her. Its really hard to love her and not be able to touch her, not be able to express my love through anything else but words. Sometimes its frusterating, sometimes its ok, not ok in the sense that I don't miss it, but ok in the sense that its ok I miss her. Does that make sense? It does to me. Its ok right now. I miss her but, like I've said to a few people, I'm not dying.
I have a rat named Lucy. I love rats. They are some of the best pets I have ever had. Lucy is climbing all over my lap right now. I love rats. They really are quite intelligent creatures, very kind and loveable if you don't scream when they touch you. Lucy doesn't bite or scratch, she just wants you to rub her ears.
I love rats......
I'm going to get my kids one when they're old enough not to accidently kill it. j8k6565 <-------- that was Lucy typing for you lol. When I was little, I accidently killed two gerbils because I was hugging them. Oops..................... I loved them to death.
I'm going to type up two songs from My Fair Lady. I love that play, though I hate the ending...
I Could Have Danced All Night
Eliza Doolittle
Bed! Bed! I couldn't go to ed!
My Head's to light to try to set it down!
Sleep! Sleep! I couldn't sleep tonight!
Not for all the jewels in the crown!
I could have danced all night
I could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know
What made it so exciting
Why all at once
My heart took flight
I only know when he
Began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced all night.
On The Street Where You Live
Freddy Eynsford-Hill
I have often walked down ths street before;
But the pavement has always stayed beneath my feet before
All at once am I
Several stories high,
Knowing I'm on the street where you live
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment poor
Out of ev'ry door?
No, it's just on the street where you live
And oh, the towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear
People stop and stare. The don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth I would rather be
Let the time go by,
I wont care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.
I like those songs a lot. They are my favorite songs in the whole musical.
Poooooooooooo, I'm bored.
12:15 PM
Sunday, June 30, 2002
I love my girl. I do. She's wonderful, no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much we tease each other, I love my girl.
You know, she's amazing. She is so good and so mindful of everyone. I love her.
By the way, lol, she and I are A-OK. It makes me happy. I guess I kind of like when things like this happen, because she and I feel so much better afterwards. I love her.
I do, I do, I do oooooooooooo............
9:13 PM
Saturday, June 29, 2002
I feel like bitching and complaining, but really, where is that going to get me?
I'm trying to grow past what I used to be, to grow stronger and wiser, but I have to take little steps. Small steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
These last few days have been days of a lot of realization about myself. I feel like I've lost some of that realization by coming home. This is a hard place for me to be and maintain any kind of positive spirituality. I'm trying though.
I'm trying to do what I think I need to do. Trying.
I have a weird feeling, a weird gut feeling. There is something weird going on between Analise and I. Not bad, not good, just something. It makes me uneasy. *Shrugs*
I shouldn't shrug that off, nor do I want to. I am needy when it comes to Analise. I admit that completely and whole heartedly. Its not a good thing or a bad thing, its just how I am. I can chose to change that if I want to.
I can chose to change anything I want to, taking small steps to acheive big goals. I can do it.
I still feel like bitching. Oh well.......................
9:54 PM
To Analise
So I Need You
3 Doors Down
If you could step into my head, tell
Me would you still know me
If you woke up in my bed, tell me
Then would you hold me
Or would you simply let it lie,
Leaving me to wonder why
I can’t get you out of this head
I call mine
And I will say
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the
Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
And if I jumped off the Brooklyn
Bridge, tell me would you
Still follow me
And if I made you mad today, tell
Me would you love me
Tomorrow? Please
Or would you say that you don’t
Care, and then leave me
Standing here
Like the fool who is drowning in
Despair and screamin’
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the
Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
I’m on my own
I’m on my own
I’m on my own
Oh no I can’t let you go, my
little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk
and the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the
Million things that I love
About you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
Do you need me? Really, what is going on in that head of yours? I really want to know, I'm scared.
11:43 AM
Friday, June 28, 2002
dabopgk: good, the last week has been like going into silence
tommot311: what do you mean?
dabopgk: gave me a lot of time to think, i liked it a whole lot
tommot311: awesome
tommot311: whatd ya think about?
dabopgk: yeah, it was really great
dabopgk: about me, about the world, about how life works, what i want to be, what i want and need to change, just everything and a kitchen sink
The last week has been EVERYTHING and a kitchen sink
Bi-regi was great. Awesome, amazing, fun, challenging, heart-renching, breathtaking, happy, sad, satisfying, ungratifying, crazy, sane, every single descriptive word you can think of. Wow. Just thinking about it. SOOOOOOOOOOO much of me has changed in the last week and a day, so many of my thoughts, my processes, so many of my ideals, my actions, my life. Wow. Where to start?
I can't decide, oh where, oh where to start..........................
Music. Music is my destiny. DUHHHHHHH, you would have thought I would have figured that out by now, but I just now got it. Music.
I love her. I could write a hundred poems, a thousand pretty words, a million perfect syllables and never ever land upon how I feel for that girl. Never. She is a blessing in my life.
I miss them all. All of those people from bi-regi. I miss the constant singing. Today on the way home from my Daddy's office I missed Celeen so much. There was a girl that sang like her on the My Fair Lady cd my dad has and I missed her a lot. She's great. I love her a bunch.
I'm ok with missing them. I'm good. Cause just like Sunshine told me, she's right here with me, just as they are. Right here in my heart and soul.
I cried a lot, now didn't I? I cried a lot this bi-regi. I needed to.
Wow. I learned so much. So, so much.
I'm going to start a journal, for me, not for you or for Sunshine or for Bob Dole. Just for me. I'm going to learn about me, learn to love me, learn to find joy in myself and how to be me all the time. I'm going to be me.
I'm tired of being Rebecca. I'm ready to be Rebecca Christ, or Christ Rebecca. I'm ready to grow and experince and learn and become brighter and more amazing than I already am.
Guess what?
I am bright and amazing and beautiful and I deserve the love that is granted to me. Did you know that? I didn't for a long long time.
I am loved. By many. By me, that is most of the time. By my parents and my friends and my girlfriend and my soul. Thank you god.
I love me.
I love me.
I'm happy with tears.
Life is beautiful.
Thats a good movie.
Soccer camp was good. I learned a lot, grew alot, thought a lot. I made ONE friend, one single friend. I was the quite girl who sat by herself and always looked sad. I wasn't sad. I was thinking. My one friend was my roommate, Rodly. She was awesome. Or cool, we really didn't connect all that much. I was really quite.
I either broke my thumb or tore the ligaments in it during the LAST session of the entire week long camp. I did it during the LAST scrimmage, in the LAST minute. Sounds like fun aye?
I really don't care lol, I can still type.
Life is good.
Life is great.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't ever forget.
Good bless.
6:11 PM
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Well, in about two hours I leave for my second bi-regional rally. Lol, a lot of my friends that aren't in YOU asked me if gays could go to that too or if it was a stricty bi thing. *Smiles* Its a CHURCH thing not a BI thing lol. After bi-regi, I go straight to soccer camp. Like I step of the bus and into my dads car and he drives me 15 minutes to TCU and I grab my bags and head for my dorm room. At least I get out of the house for that long. So, I might have access to a computer while I'm at soccer camp, but I know I won't during bi-regi, so to those I won't be seeing in the next week and a day, I love you much. Good bless you. (I meant to write good) Love to all.
P.S. Donovan, I love the story. Please tell Casey where I'm at, he and I have been talking on and off on line and I haven't given him this address, though you are welcome to give it to him. Love you much.
Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:42 AM
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Well, yesterday was just a nasty day for all of us, now wasn't it. My last blog was one of the most depressing that I've ever written, and I could say the same for Sunshine. I sure hope she's ok.
I slept last night!!! My mom gave me some prescription sleeping pills around 6 and I lasted til 6:45, then I passed out on the couch with a blanket and pillow. Sometime after that they woke me up and I walked to my room and passed out on my bed. I slept til 9:30 this morning. It's great. I hope I can sleep tonight...
I wish I knew what happened to Analise, I'm worried about her. Sometimes its just so hard being this far away from her. I love her, so much.
I have to clean my room so I can go soccer gear shopping for camp. When I get off the bus for bi-regi I go straight to my dorm room at TCU and to soccer camp. I'm kind of excited and kind of nervous. I'll have a room mate. Yikes.
I probably need to go. Much love to all.
*MUAH* To Sunshine.
9:11 AM
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Mexico
Incubus
You could see me reaching,
So why couldn’t you have met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put pressure on the wound....
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You’d better bend before I go...
On the first train to Mexico....
You could see me breathing
But you still kept your hand over my mouth....
You could feel me seething
But you just turned your nose up in the air....
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself...
You’d better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico.....
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself...
You’d better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico.....
1:32 PM
Hey Jealousy
Gin Blossoms
Tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place... Hey Jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around
1:27 PM
Don't Let Me Get Me
Pink
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
1:25 PM
Whipping Boy
Train
Since then I never feel helpless, recess, this mess if you do
And I find that even time well spent gets bent if you need it to
And we do
Well by now I've showed you how much I believe in the here and now and I wish that you knew
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy
You spilled your purse onto my bed
Searching for something for your head
Since then you never come clean I mean
You wish you only could
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy
I can get up¡¡
And I find that even time well spent gets bent if you need it to
And we do
And we do
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy
1:20 PM
Bullet Proof
Goo Goo DollsZ
Do you listen to yourself?
Never live for someone else
Do you like the way you feel?
Nothing hurts when no one's real
She wants to shake this scene
Yeah, she wants to shake with me
She's not looking for the holes in all their lies
I wanna bullet proof your soul
Would you like to lose control?
I won't let you fall until you tell me so
What are we?
(Whatcha wanna be?)
Everything
(That ya wanna be)
All I need
(Right in front of me)
I've know before
Would you come my way
Or did you burn out to the end?
Would you come my way
Should have listened when you called my name
Yeah, she wants to tear you down
And she leaves without a sound
It's like fallin' backwards into no one's arms
You're a bullet through my soul
And I'll never let you know
I won't let you fall until you let it go
What are we?
(Whatcha wanna be?)
Everything
(That ya wanna be)
All I need
(Right in front of me)
I've know before
Would you come my way
Or did you burn out to the end?
Would you come my way
Should have listened when you called my name
Would you come my way
Or did you burn out to the end?
Would you come my way
Should have listened when you called my name
Should have listened when you called my name
Should have listened when you called my name
1:15 PM
Sucks to be me.
I know, I know.
1:07 PM
If I could make the font on this bigger I would. If I could display more disharmony over this damn computer screen to you, I would. I HATE LIVING HERE.
I hate being in Joshua.
I hate loving someone who lives 300 miles away.
I hate living in this house.
I hate hating all of this.
I am so angry. So angry.
FUCK YOU WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leave me alone.
1:05 PM
I went to bed at ten after talking to Sunshine. I fell asleep at 11:30. Ben woke me up at 11:34. I'm still awake.
I didn't really even get to talk to Analise tonight, and I wanted to a whole lot. Ricky called and demanded about ten minutes of her time, then we talked for about five and then Vanessa and Daniel attacked her in her room. After about ten minutes of that, I called her back and then she and I talked for three minutes, then my mom demanded I come look at the blanket she's making me. That took another ten minutes, then, with 17 minutes left, I called her and we talked about nothing. Dang it.
I want to sleep so badly. Right now. RIGHT NOW. Either that or talk to Analise, but neither is happening, I might as well resign myself to that.
Sometimes I just miss her so badly. Sometimes I just need someone to kiss. A lot of times.
I'm wondering what the hell I've done to make half of the worlds population be attracted to me. When I figure it out I'm going to quit. Really fast.
Well, lets see... I'm funny, nice, polite, respectful, sweet, kind, silly, mildy attractive physicaly, smart, musical, artistic, entertaining, did I mention silly, crazy, sarcastic in a good way and an all around nice person. Hmmmmmmmmmm, which one do I quit doing and will Analise miss it to much...................................
I WANT TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so dead. I want to sleep. I want to sleep. I want to sleep.
Now.
12:47 AM
Sunday, June 16, 2002
Hmmmmmmm............ Is my life entertaining? Does it amuse the world? It keeps me busy, plus gives me a hell of a headache and makes me all tense and nasty feeling. I don't like it.
Well, I DO like my life, I just hate getting so caught up in the complications of it.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hampster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just thought you would like to know lol.
This not being able to sleep thing is really getting to me. My body is dead tired and I can't move without my neck and shoulders and back hurting, yet I can't fall asleep. My mom asked me if its anxiety over not making drum major. I don't think its likely. Its probably *grins* the after shock and withdraw from Sunshine. An amazing, beautiful, perfect girl like that could do this to me, I'm sure *grins again*.
Ever needed to ask a question but couldn't? Ever needed something explained but you know it can't be? I'm sure you have. Isn't it annoying???
I hope you dance
My dear friends, it has been a long year hasn't it? It has been a struggle all the way, a painful, desperate struggle. But we're still here, we're still alive and we're still mostly happy. Mostly. I know that we're all still sifting through the leftovers of this disaster, but we're sifting my friends, the worst is over, the storm is gone, the shelters long ago abandonded. We're through the worst, we're going to make it, don't give up now, not so late in the game. We're gonna make it. I promise.
First she laughed and then she cryed
Don't ask me where that came from, I just heard it in one of the songs I was listening to. No real purpose. Well, besides the fact that I usually laugh right before I cry, or while I'm crying. But, besides that coincidence, no real purpose.
I have a fan base. How strange. How exciting. People I don't know reading this. REALLY STRANGE. Yeah, welcome to my soap opera life. Feel free to join in, I bet you'd love it. Its complicated and confusing and almost everyone wants a huge chunk of my life that I'm quite willing to give if only that chunk wasn't already claimed by five other people. I like helping others, I enjoy it I really do, it's just so damn complicated.
None of this is written in anger or really in depression or anything negative. None of this is anyone's fault and from what I've written I don't think ANYONE should take offence to this, so if you find reason for offence, please disregaured it. I suck at spelling............. None of this is directed to ONE person or ONE situation in my life, it is mixed and taped and glued together to make my entire life come into view. Half of this NO ONE knows about but a boy that I talk to, not even Sunshine. No one from Austin. No one that my Austinites might know or have even heard of, I haven't spoken a word about it to any of them. And NO it has nothing to do with ANYTHING in a romantic view point, just wanted to make that clear. Yeah, so, anyways.....................
I'm so tired, so desperatly needingly tired. My dad got a new entertainment system with new speakers and everything. They just set it up about an hour and a half ago. Its loud. It prevents my sleeping. I need sleep.......
I need sleep. Insomnia. Loud gun shots *from movie*. Confusing thoughts and being lonely. Tired.........
11:59 PM
Saturday, June 15, 2002
My eyes are red and sting from long nights of not sleeping. My neck and shoulders are so tense that I can barely move. I think I have an ear infection and a nasal infection. I'm cleaning out the garage.
Well, that is, I'm going back to cleaning out the garage when it hits twelve, I'm taking a 30 minute brake because I've been working several hours.
I'm dead tired.
And really dizzy.
And I think that about an hour on the bus to bi-regi I'm going to fall asleep in someone's arms, hopefully Sunshine's but I know she'll want to talk to all the people she hasn't seen in forever. I just need some comforting right now, someone to pamper me and tell that I'm wonderful and that I'm beautiful and I'm perfect as I am. I need sleep.
I really need sleep.
................................
Time to go do the garage!!!!!
Yippeeeeeeeeee...................................
11:51 AM
Friday, June 14, 2002
ALCHEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My computer is letting me play it again. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have nothing of real content to speak of, or that is write of *smiles*. Is that bad, or good?
Have you ever sat and watched someone sleep? Watched their stomach and chest moving with every deep relaxed breathe? Sat and gazed lovingly as the strech and yawn and then fall into a deeper slumber? Its fun...
I'm watching my cat *grins*.
*Teehee*
*15 MINS PASSES*
Analise... I love how that name sounds coming out of my mouth, how it rolls from my tongue and sounds so perfect and absolutely divine. Strange how a single word could take so much time up in my mind, how three simple syllables could contain so much magic. Divine. Absolutely divine...
*37 MINUTES AND 52 SECONDS PAST*
Damn I'm good lol. I got to board 7, I've never gotten past 5 before!!! *Highfives* I am now a GRAND WIZARD!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Now I'll take over the world *chuckles evily*
Oh, well, now its Zacks turn to get online. I sure wish SOMEONE would have gotten on, I didn't talk to a single person the whole 2 hours I was on. Oh, I think I talked to Amber, but that might have been this morning. Oh well.
BYE YA'LL, DON'T BE A STRANGER, COME BACK AND SEE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Shakes head* What a dork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:23 PM
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Ever had someone you barely know come up to you and tell you their life story??? They tell you all of their problems and are compeltely comfortable in doing that? It happens to me, a lot. Tis crazy................
7:08 PM
I feel bad...... I feel like I've been neglecting my friends, but seriously, there is nothing I can do about it. Between Ben and Zack and my Mom and me all sharing one internet connection its almost impossible to get online, and when I do get online I've had a huge screaming fight with one of them, excluding Ben, we don't fight, and I'm pissy. I'm sorry to those I haven't talked to in a while, I love you all very much. You mean alot to me, seriously. I gotta go *grimaces* sorry babes. Love you all!!!
3:06 PM
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Famous
Vertical Horizon
Oh I know
That things are gonna change
The only thing for certain
Is that nothing stays the same
But all I want
Is love from you
Give me your hand
To hold on to
And if tears fill your eyes
Listen to my music it's no surprise
I don't want to be famous in life
I don't want to be famous in the world
I just want to be famous
Famous
I want to be famous in your heart
Oh I know
The wind is gonna blow
And in the winter
There's sure to be snow
But with the warmth of your smile
And the sun of your face
Shine on me in the darkness
With your love and grace
And if time hides my eyes
Listen to my music and recognize
I don't want to be famous in life
I don't want to be famous in the world
I just want to be famous
Famous
I want to be famous in your heart
And if time hides my eyes
Listen to my music
Listen to my music and recognize
Oh, and by the way, everything is A-OK with Sunshine, *grins*.
7:28 PM
Half the time in my life I don't know what I'm thinking, I guess thats why I'm still learning. I don't know what to do about that, or what to do about this. I just know that, well, That I don't know.
5:35 PM
To finish the thought from my last blog, I don't think blogging has been a real positive or negative influence on my life. I write, I post, I'm done.
Anyways, Analise and I had an interesting conversation last night. She and I have been slightly, oh I don't know, I guess put off of each other the last couple days. She's so busy moving and with swim practice that we barely ever get to talk. I have nothing to do at my house besides work off bi-regi and wait to talk to her, leaving me sufficently pissy because I've dealt with my mother and lonely because, well, I'm alone. Yeah, I know we DO talk every night, but sometimes its about nothing. Most of the time its about nothing. Last night we talked about us, talked about the future, about no future, about everything turning into nothing. It makes me wonder, what am I doing in this relationship. The only reason to have a romantic relationship is if you think you can get through life with this person forever, that you would, could and will want to be with this person for the rest of your life (by the way this is what I think, what I have based my "love" life on my entire existance, not anyone else's opinion thats involved, or at least not that I know of). I know, to some of you this doesn't make sense, but it does to me. There is no reason to involve yourself so deeply in a relationship in which you know will turned out to be nothing. I guess thats why I haven't dated a lot of people, well, that and the fact that the only people that I used to think I could date were boys. I think I would have dated a lot of girls if I had know that was a possiblity for myself. Yeah, so, anyways last night I said that I knew very well that I could be making out with Chris Ward in three weeks, that though I was commited to Analise it somehow wasn't for the long run. Whats the point if its not for the long run? I'm a goal seeking person, a person who strives to get to a point and when reaches it immediatly sets another point. The point of these kinds of relationships is to find someone you can be with forever. What am I doing???
Change is inevitable. Except spelled right. Change is even more of a pressing matter in relationships. In the last year and a half I've discovered that in a relationship, a close relationship, something will change every three to four days. Not just something little, like the jokes between the two people, something big. Something of grand importance. Something like might be happening in my little brain right now. Maybe.
Could I make it through life without Analise? Would I want to? That is the real question, would I want to? Its quite obvious that I could, I've done it for years, but now after I've seen what this experince holds for me, would I want to? Is this experince over now? Do I want it to be? I'm pretty sick of being alone, but starting another relationship with someone else would probably leave me just as alone. It wouldn't make Analise be here, wouldn't make her more real or less real. Sometimes I think I'm so damn silly, here I am playing with love like its Play Do, molding it, fixing it, reparing it with my salty tasting fingers. Play Do tastes good. Sometimes I think I'm just playing a part in an production, a huge love story, but I have NO idea what I'm supposed to be doing or how the hell this ends. I think I know how I want it to end, but what if we don't click in real life? In a life where those no phone lines, no cables, no plastic seperating us? What happens then? Two years down the cords? I don't want that. I want to actively do something with all parts of my life, I want to go somewhere with love, with this experince. Is talking about love enough? Is talking about the stars and the sky all that I want out of love? Uh, NO. I want the laughing and joking and the physical touch and the looking in eyes and the spinning and the racing and the tickling. The flirting and the smiling and the real stuff. But do I want it with someone else?
She and I talked about that, we both know who we would want to be with if she and I were nothing. Both boys... how strange......... Both of them happen to be femine boys, or at least what she tells me about this boy makes me think he is, I don't personally know him. If we already have our next victims in mind, what are we doing? Are we both planning for the moment we're apart? I'm not, at least I don't think I am, and I really don't think she is...
She told me that she doesn't think we'll be together for the next two years and for the first time I really thought about it. There is absoletly no way for us to do that. Not with how much we see each other, of course if we started seeing each other more we could possibly make it, but anyways. She said that we'll keep going on with this until we both tire out and want out. We might hook up in college. What? Huh? What are we doing???
What are we doing? Is this worth it?
I think I'm an idiot for posting this. She reads this.
Hi sweetheart, does it hurt for me to right these things? Does this make sense to you? Is this as confusing to me as it is to you? Does any of this make sense? Do we really know what love is? I know I don't believe that a single person was destined to be in love with me, but if it had to be someone it would be you. Why am I writing this? To shake the boat? To make the change? You know its been at least three days since I last was philisophical, its time for me to act like an idiot. *DING* Round one, the logic against love................ WHO WILL WIN???????????????????
Sunshine, I care an amazing amount for you, a gigantic huge part of my concern and care goes to you, but does that qualify it for love? And if its love, is it worth all of the shit we both put up with? And have I been enough of an idiot yet today or do I need to keep going?
What am I doing........................
4:57 PM
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's the PUPPET LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exciting.... Weeeeeeeeee........ Nosotros..............................
Yeah, I'm here voluntering at the Joshua Public Libray. Whoooohhhhhoooooo............ Not really lol. This is actually pretty boring. Sorry I haven't been on line for a while, my mom accidently infected the computer with a virus and now is afraid to let any one use the computer or get online, even on another computer. So, I'm stuck at home, bored to death............ Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Nosotros......................
The public computers won't let me check my e-mail or let me sign on to aim or really anything. I'm going to try to down load aim..... I doubt it'll work though.........
Well, crap, that didn't work either. How BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LITTLE BUNNY FU FU I DON'T WANNA SEEEEEEE YOUOUOUOUOUOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...........................................
Bored.
V stopped writing in her blogger, she said that all it did was spawn negative thoughts. I thought about my blogger and about if it was a negative influence or a postive influence on my life.
I GOTTTA GOOOOOOOOOOO BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:26 PM
Sunday, June 09, 2002
Its strange how a day can turn around, how a kind words from just a few people can turn frowns upside down.
Its strange how a day can turn around, and then I'm handing out advice again, making someone whos sad smile, making myself smile and making others laugh.
Life ain't that bad.
Joshua isn't THAT horrible, though its still pretty bummy.
Smiles look better than frowns.
I love you.
And you.
And you too.
And even you, back there in the corner by yourself, yeah, I love you too.
Love the ones who are lonely. They need it the most.
Love the ones who never talk. They are the lonely.
Love the ones who walk the halls alone, for they never talk.
Hell, I've got a simpler solution. LOVE EVERYONE.
Amen ta dat................................
11:32 PM
My eyes sting from the tears I can't get out of me, yet I feel better. Donovan's story really made me feel better. His writing is perfect, it portrays me to the T. Its nice to see how another person sees me, how they honestly perceive me. I seem to be a comic relief in many scenarios, and yet I'm not an idiotic comic relief. I'm the smiley girl that cracks jokes, yet is serious when she needs to be. The silly girl who has a brain, yet is strong and friendly and hopelessly in love with a girl. Donovan, you ARE a genius. All of you should clap for Donovan, NOW. Ok, I'm done, again.
7:35 PM
Thanks Donovan. You made me smile and you made me laugh, and, of course, you didn't even mean to. I love your writing, it is truly wonderful. I think you've captured each of us perfectly. Thank you.
6:41 PM
You've been sad for so long Rebecca........
Perfect Suburbia my ass.
You try living in this house.
Screaming and fighting, waking up to anger, going to bed crying.
You try living in this house.
Help! I need somebody,
Help! not just anybody,
Help! you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being around.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But ev'ry now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being around.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well, they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now, it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered why she hung around this place
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end, it's just her window ledge
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
Well, this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well, it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think of death, it must be killin' me...
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
Shands said that first quote at the top of the page a couple weeks ago, the Sunday before my parents left. Its true.
Help! by the Beatles
One Headlight by the Wallflowers
Don't you see what this takes of me?
I miss him.
I miss her more.
I need them both. So badly.
I want out of here. I want to get away from this god damned "perfect suburbia." Fuck.
From you
My mom asked me if I wanted to go to a boarding school, because she knows I'm not happy here. I asked her if it would be in Austin. "Oh, you would ditch us for Austin, now wouldn't you?"
I can't always,
Always,
Always,
Be wrong....
I would.
You seem to push me far away from you
Is it wrong to miss her this much?
You don't want to sing along
I don't understand. I miss her so much, I need her so much, I don't know if I can go on loving this much for much longer, but I don't know how or want to stop. Is it wrong to be upset when I only get to talk to her for fifteen minutes? Does that seem silly to you? It doesn't to me. It hurts not to talk to her, it hurts to think that I can't be there to spend time with her, it hurts to hold a fucking peice of plastic to my fucking head and say goodbyes night after night after night. I'm probably wrong. I probably have no right to be mad or upset or sad when I don't get to talk to her. So you know what? You can all say what you want, you can say how I'm so fucking god damned compolsive, how I'm so possesive, so whatever the hell you want to say. Obessesed. WHATEVER. I don't know HOW to love LESS. So screw you. FUCK YOU. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being sad, sick of being angry, sick of being so fucking alone. I'm fucking sick of Joshua.
Fuck Josh.
Fuck Joshua.
I apologize to those of you whom I might have offened in the last three paragraphs. Josh, if you even dare defy your god damned parents, I do still love you, I still care, and I always will. And I'm still NOT christian, I still AM bi, and I still DO love Analise.
To those that enjoy the town of Joshua- start raising money and you can ship me away. I don't care WHERE, I just want OUT.
To those I might have offened in the paragraph before, I'm sorry. No, I'm not. Thats how it makes me feel. I'm sorry if I hurt you, or our friendship, I'm not sorry I said it.
I want to scream.
I want out.
Now.
I want to cry.
I want OUT.
Its not having what you want
Its wanting what you have
Yeah yeah. I know. Divine order, affirmation and denial, prayer, meditation. Accepting what you have and living life to the fullest with what you have. Fuck it all.
No where I'd rather be
My hands feel empty
With no one to hold
She takes a shallow, shaking breath and shudders at the cold. Next to her, two dogs lay panting for a drink in the over hot room. She stares blankly at the computer, tears welling in her eyes and yet never quite dropping from her long curly eyelashes. Taking a deep breath, she embraces the cold, sucking up her tears and her pain. She laughs. Not the laugh of a free soul, but the saddened ironic laughter that seems to control her. It gets her through the day. Some how. Another deep breath, sighing out one more time. She knows, she knows...
5:47 PM
Saturday, June 08, 2002
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before
I've always wondered what those lyrics mean, I've never quite understood them. I figured it out yesterday during my huge fight with my mom and brother (Zack). I didn't especially feel good from sugar headaches and dizziness, plus I had a horrible dream that left me shaking and with a tear soaked pillow. Yeah, so, anyways, I finally figured it out-
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
The song is Motorcycle Drive By, by Third Eye Blind. It talks about a guy whos fallen for this girl, but can never ever have her. The pain of being alone is so powerful that he's never felt more real, more substantial than that moment. He hurts so badly that he has never experinced life and emotion to this extreme. *Smacks self on forehead* Seems really obvious to me now.........
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before
Brick by Ben Folds Five, is a guy taking his girlfriend to have an abortion. I think this is saying now that he's found someone, he's more alone than ever before because even though they're together, there's a wall in between them. That because he knows what its like to have someone, when he's alone he feels more desperate and lonely than ever before. Both of these seem so simple now that I've figured them out. DUH Becca. *Shrugs*
I had a good dream to start today off, though it was really quite strange. I was on a choir or band trip, I don't know which, all I know is it involved music, and V was with me. We were at this resteraunt and I got chicken fried steak. V and I sat at the same table and we were talking to these girls from my school named Sarah, Michelle and Lily. We were sitting under an over hang and to my left (behind V) was an old courtyard, kind of one like I would see in England. Suddenly, all the girls disappeared and a crippled boy named Fagan was sitting next to us. Vanessa told him how much she respected him because his pledge was a prayer (I don't remember what this applies to, I actually think its another dream, but when she said that I had a memory, and I'm not even kidding, pop into my dream persons mind of Fagan bending down in prayer while others stood with weapons. Pretty wacky aye?) He said something very humble and I agreed with Vanessa. Fagan had this aura around him, a grand yet simple aura. It was very saddening, like he had realized something that he had to do but almost didn't want to, he had just accepted that he had to. Then I looked to the courtyard and recognized it. I have no idea what it is in real life, I just recognized it in my dream. I said something to the effect that we've read about this place, its famous for someones suicide. I walked into the middle of the courtyard and V followed me and we talked about the name that was written in the stone under the third story window. It had something very important to do with history. She and I walked through the building and picked up an item of interest each, and placed them in our pockets. When we returned to the table Fagan was no longer there and they had taken all of the food but the last bit of my steak away. I ate it and complained about the fact that they took everything else away, including our drinks. Fagan appeared with his parents and he and I talked about his crippled leg and how he got it. I remember this conversation VERY vaguely so please excuse it if its a little out of place or strange. His parents stood behind him nodding their heads, though I couldn't really see their faces. He talked about wolfs that attacked him and how they always attacked him, never any one else in his group. I think that they always attacked him while walking either to or from a school of some kind. The always attacked him, even while he was on crutches, even while he was in a wheel chair. He said something that was almost like he had gotten used to it, that you must give yourself up to the evil to save others. I shook my head and then turned back to the table where V was. We talked about something that I can't remember and then she and I looked to my right. A huge patrol of guards arrived on their horse drawn chariots. (I don't quite know when this happened but V and I had progressively changed into young boys about the age of Fagan, so around 13, 14. *Cringes* Sorry V lol) I grabbed the interesting things that we had taken out of the building, knowing that the guards were searching for us, and told V just to walk away and pretend that nothing was happening. Once I had done that and had the things in my hand I ran through the courtyard through the other parts of the castle. It looked a lot like Carcasaan, a huge castle I had visited with my parents in France last year. As I ran I placed the different things along the path, getting rid of the evidince. I got to another path and I hid behind a wall that was about 4 feet tall, so I was barely hidden. At that moment a tall scragely man dragging chains and holding a bow with an arrow pack passed by the wall. He yelled an excited scream and unleashed an arrow in my direction, however it flew over my head and I saw Fagan take the arrow and go flying over the stone wall and down into the ocean. I jumped my wall and watched him fall, the arrow sticking out of his chest and his mouth open but not omitting a scream and he disappeared into the mist and waves. I knew that somehow, it was my fault, that he had taken that arrow for me and had saved me. It didn't make logical sense, I just knew it. That scene blacked out and then reappeared but it was me much much older, probably thirtys. I was standing there looking down where Fagan had fallen and I was truly sad and remoresful. Now remeber that I'm a guy at this point. Its not really me, just a character I was playing. Anyways, I looked down into the abyss of water for a while, then walked back towards the the castle, taking the long path back. I saw what I thought was a short cut that would take me out to look at the water and I took it. As I walked down it I realized that it was taking me directly to the water. When I reached it I swam maybe ten, fifteen feet to a small peninsula that couldn't be seen from above. When I got there, a woven house like structure was sitting there. I walked around it and found a sword that I some how identified as belonging to me and next to a step I found other weapons, claw like swords that you would attach to your hands, kind of like wolverines blades but longer and wider and you just had to strap them on, a long tall double sided battle ax and armour for the legs and arms. For some reason I identified them sadly as V's. When I opened the door to the shack there was a baby pig running around in it along with some bugs. I walked around wondering where the builder was that built it. In my dream I wandered in and around the place for a long time, though I can't really remeber what I was doing. The house was one long room, maybe five feet wide but ten wide. There was one window next to the door, about head heigth. I went outside again and looked and there were stairs on top of the building, so I climbed them. When I looked down there was a square hole in the celing. I looked through the hole and something was about to kill the pig, so I jumped through the whole, squishing what ever it was with my foot when I landed. I let the pig out the door and then was standing inside looking out the window when a human sized t-rex appeared. Ok, wait, let me make sense of this, it wasn't a T-Rex, it was like a lizard, but it looked like it was decaying yet it was still alive. It stood on two legs and the other two were in the air. It appeared in front of the window and it tried to attack me so I began to fight back with it using the sword that I had found. It was beating me when V's older appearance came from behind me with the armor I had found earlier, remember again that V's character was a strong middle aged man. He had a black beard and a strong voice. We fought the monster but couldn't defeat it. V jumped into the water and began swimming, calling to the monster to follow her. I screamed at her, asking what she was doing. She replied with the same thing Fagan had said a long time ago, something like I've got to give myself up so that others don't fall to evil. I yelled franticly, "Fagan was wrong!!! Fagan was wrong!!!" At that the monster stopped and turned back at me. He ceased to look like a monster anymore and looked like an older Fagan. He smiled at me and ran back to the house, grabbing a sword from a compartment over the door that I didn't see. "I AM FAGAN, COME BACK, I'M FAGAN!!!!!!!" V's character came back and we were all crying and hugging and then I woke up.
Very weird dream. I didn't make any of it up either, I remember all of that, and a little bit more too. That was enough though, and a very long blog too.
My mom is tempting me by buying Oreos and Twinkies and Little Debbie treats. Dang it. I want sugar.................
Weird dream. I wonder if there's any underlying meaning.........................
I'm going to read it to my mom and Zack when they get home. It should be interestante.
I'm worn out and tired of writing. I'll post more later.
Bye.
12:10 PM
Thursday, June 06, 2002
Guess who just spent two hours RE-cleaning the house??? Ummmmm, me. Zack is taking the finals he missed while in Scotland and England, my dad is at work, and my mom acctually has a part time job as a permissions editor for several books, including my dad's. Well, the lady thats my mommy's boss told her the permissions for this book were due next January, and now has suddenly changed it to the 14th of this month, so yeah, my mom is pissy and not any help at all. So. Yeah.....
ANYWAYS................... The reason for the cleaning- BEN IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me so happy!!! He happens to be the best big brother in the world and I love being around him. I look up to him so much. I wouldn't mind being like him in some ways some day. He's a freaking genius. He's made 4.0s three out of four semesters at TCU. GENIUS. *Looks proud* I've got some of the same genes as him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Ok, maybe that was just funny to me........................
Ok, I'm leaving..................... NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:26 AM
Well. Yeah, so, anyways............................
Nothing really to write about. Analise is still having trouble with Amber and Ricky. We all need to sit down together (aka chat room) and talk this out. There is NO reason why we can't sort this out and be friends again. I don't want to lose Amber or Ricky and neither does Sunshine. So, all of you that check this, be ready to talk tonight, cause it needs to happen if we can do it tonight.
Celeen, I need your e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanessa got a new blogger, it makes me very happy. I think shes actually going to blog, unlike you other blogger bums. She writes. I like it. It makes me happy...................................
My mom read about two lines of my blogger yesterday before I shut the window. It was this part- "Analise+Becca+Time Alone=Secret Giggles, Happy Couple, Lots Of Love, Good Energy." All she asked was, "Secret Giggles?" "NOTHING Mom. NOTHING." GRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want them to stay out of my stuff!!!
My mom gave me another talk about some girl that was kidnapped, rapped and killed by someone she met online. GUESS WHAT!?! I don't talk to people I haven't met before, and if I do, I DON'T meet them. Out of the rest of the people I talk to, probably only ONE wants to do anything really *ahem* daring with me, and maybe a few might like to kiss me. BUT GUESS WHAT!?! I know these peope, I've met these people and I love and care about these people. Geeezzzzzzz. I'M A BIG GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am.
I hate it when my baby hurts. I hate it when I can't do anything for her. I hate the fact that I'm up here and that she's down there with all of the controversy. I don't have to take ANY of the shit. I want to. I don't want her to have to go through anything of this crap. I love her and I wanna make it all disappear. NOW.
I'm done. Nothing else to write. TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:59 AM
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:37 PM
I'M CUTE!!! WORK FOR ME ARCHIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 AM
WORK ARCHIVES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:39 AM
*Attempting to think of something of content to write about*
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......... So............... Cows!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cows are muey interestante!!!!!!!!!!!! Vaca chivata means fat cow in Spanish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exiting, aye?
I am truly bored and unentertained. And I'm really kinda lonely. Who would have thought that my life would turn out like this? I would have never ever guessed. Maybe the bi part, yeah I would have guessed that, but not the girlfriend in Austin, not the ex-best friend, not the pile of best friends three hundred miles away, not the obession with music instead of sports, not the hypoglycemia. I might have guessed the music part, maybe.
I told Zack yesterday. He was like, "Ok, cool." I asked, "Thats it?" He said, "Seriously?" "Seriously." "Cool." He said that he didn't want to see me kiss a girl, and I said he would someday but I swore I wouldn't make out infront of him lol. He told me he was gay, and when I asked if he was serious he said no and laughed. It was pretty funny. I like how he laughed it off. He's gonna do great out there some day, I know he is.
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." Amen brother.
Sorry, that was really, really random. I do like the quote however..............
Cats are mildy entertaining.
Cat+String+Moving Hand= Happy Cat, Laughing Becca.
Analise+Becca+Time Alone=Secret Giggles, Happy Couple, Lots Of Love, Good Energy.
Becca&Analise-Becca=Analise, Becca+Joshua= Lonliness.
YOU+Analise+Long Bus Ride+ Becca= Estatic Joy, Anticipation.
Ricky+Amber+Analise+Becca=Akwardness
Ricky+Amber= Happiness
Analise+Becca=Happiness
Happiness+Happiness= Akwardness!?!
Confused+Logic=Confused Logic
15+Days+YOU+Analise+Bus Ride+Becca= 2 Months, Happiness, Joy, Snuggling.
Becca+Spare Time= Scary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My foot itches......... SO SCRATCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did lol!!!
My arms are empty............ So hug someone.......... But I don't want to hug just anyone................... I pick HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15 days............................................................
Poo.....
Poo, Poo.............
I miss her.
And I'm bored....
V got a blogger..............
I need to add it to my links, now don't I?
U2 is a good band.
My mom went to pick Zack up from the weight room. I'm home alone, and bored, and lonely.
BLESSED ARE THE CHEESE MAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just thought you would like to know..........
10:12 AM
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Well, I've spent most of the morning organizing my music library on my computer. I've been doing that for the past couple days and I'm still not even half way done. Its kind of fun though, I get to listen to a lot of music so that makes me happy. Music ALWAYS, well most of the time, makes me happy. *grins*
Stuff with Amber and Ricky are ok now. I don't know why it was such a big deal now but I'm glad its over. I wouldn't want to loss either of them, I love them both so much. Amber sent me a letter and she said that she looks up to me. That makes me feel really good. I'll never forget how excited she was the first time I let her play with my drum. It still makes me happy to this day. Shes got her own drum now and plays all the time. Its great.
I miss Analise, of course. Its only been ten days since I last saw her and I'm going crazy with lonlieness. I swear that I see her everywhere, I hear her voice, close my eyes and shes right there in front of me. I dream of her, while I'm sleeping and when my eyes are wide open. While I'm sitting outside by myself and when I'm talking to my parents. I see her shape in the stars as I hear her voice on the phone. I love her more than can be explained. I can't even explain it to myself, and I'm quite good at figuring things out. Love is not logic, not something to be thought out and explained. However, it is something to be learned and taught and experinced. I wonder how I found love so fast in my life. Maybe I wasn't looking so franticly and hard like a lot of people do. In fact, I wasn't seeking love in the smallest since, not this kind of love. It found me though. I'm glad it did.
11:21 AM
Monday, June 03, 2002
Poooooooooperssssss. In short, poopers. I'm bored out of my mind and I'm supposed to be cleaning. You know how I spent all day Saturday completely and perfectly cleaning my house? Well, my family trashed it. They've been home for all of two days and its a pit of sh*t again. Pisses me off. Anyways...
I miss Analise. Anyways...
I never should have said ANYTHING to Amber. All that I said was that things felt uncomfortable between her and I since she and Ricky had started dating. Apparently they took it as me saying that I'm uncomfortable with them dating. I'm not. I'm glad they're dating, its made life easier on ALL of us. Its made life better. They are happy together and Analise and I only have to worry about us now, its great. I didn't mean for it to be taken like that, but they did take it like that. I don't know why. Its agitating. Anyways...
I am currently recording EVERY cd I own on to my computer. I own over a hundred. Its fun, yet time consuming. However, it will be worth it in the end. I'll be able to make some very kickin' burned cds. Some day I'll go through and list all of them. Probably not today. Anyways...
I'm supposed to be cleaning. I don't feel like it. Yeah. Anyways...
The past couple days I've been really tense and tired. I think it has to do with mowing all of my yards all at once. Thats a lot of yard. A LOT of yard. Anyways...
I miss Analise like crazy. I'm not sad like I was this morning, but I still miss her. I'm jealous of everyone who gets a real relationship with her. It drives me nuts. Anyways...
I don't particuarly feel like any of these thoughts today are worth holding on. They all kind of seem pointless and juvenile. I do my best thinking in the dark, outside with the stars. I love stars. They hold so much knowledge, of course not literally, but they allow my mind to wander with a guide. I like it. Anyways...
Yeah, so, anyways.......................................
4:15 PM
Hide
Creed
To what do I owe this gift my friend?
My life, my love, my soul?
I've been dancing with the devil way too long
And it's making me grow old
Making me grow old
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
What are you going to do with your gift dear child?
Give life, give love, give soul?
Divided is the one who dances
For the soul is so exposed
So exposed
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide (4X)
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide
No reason to hide
12:36 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
