A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
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Saturday, March 30, 2002
Why do I do these things to myself? I don't even know......
I love Analise. So much. I owe her my life. She doesn't even know it. All of those times where I wanted to die, where I was ready to and I didn't, only because of the sound of her voice. She has changed my life. She has made it better in everyway. She is everything I could ever ask for in a girl. She's beautiful, kind, smart, funny, giggley *smiles*, amazing, gorgeous, and a million more wonderful things. She brightens my day and makes me smile. She makes me laugh. And yet she makes me cry. She makes me shake and she makes me hide. But then she makes me whole. She gives me life. She makes me dance and fly and soar above the clouds. I have tried so hard to make love for us. For her and I. And I want it to work. I want to take it and make it work. And I can't do that, and I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't try so damn hard, but I can't help it. All I have ever wanted is to make her happy. Well, to make her happy with me. Shit, I don't know. Maybe I'm doubting myself, maybe I'm doubting her, maybe I'm doubting this whole damn thing. And maybe we should let go. I told this to Josh and he said, "The logical side of me is applauding you, but dear, the romantic side is crying. Don't apply logic to love." How right he is. Love is not logical, its not something that can be fixed or adjusted with my little manipulations. Love is something that has to be let go off, has to be left to grow and sprout where it may. One can never hold love because love is a free spirit. If you grasp it and don't allow it to grow wild it shivers and dies. I have been holding on to tight. I have been trying to hard. I just want it to work. Damn it, why can't this just work? I need to relax, I need to breathe. I need to find some kind of spirituality. I haven't been searching for that lately. To worried about other things. Maybe I just need to sleep. Analise doesn't understand why I put so much importance on the physical aspect of our relationship. Because there is none. Because, unlike her, I haven't had that in so long. And I have been wanting it for so long. Because I have been searching for her in this fog and have found her voice and not yet her being. It hurts. I'm tempted just to grab Ollie and skip church tomorrow. We'll go somewhere and I'll hold someone. And I'll pretend she's Analise. I am ashamed of myself. I can't do that to two people I care about. To three people I care about. I care about myself too. I need to work on myself more. No. I need to let go more. I need to free myself from my own cluches of self doubt and self pity. Easy said, hard done.
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be, How's it going to be
But there is so much to miss, there is so much that I care about. I wonder if she would even miss me. What if we can't survive as friends? Since bi-regi there hasn't been a day where I've talked to her and not wanted to tell her I was in love with her. I just wouldn't admit it. God I don't want to let go of her. Not at all. But it seems to be the only way. Either that or......... I don't know. We just continue doing what we're doing? Its only eight weeks until we can see each other. Can we make it till then? Or will I mess it up again?
I keep on fallin'
In and out of love
With you
Sometimes I love ya
Sometimes u make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Lovin you darlin'
Makes me so confused
I keep on
Fallin'
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you
There is nothing normal about these feelings, nothing thats continous, nothing that makes sense. The only thing that makes sense, that is continous is the need for me to be around her, to hear her voice. These emotions go up and down, they sky rocket and then plummet to the ground. I'm so confused.
Don't question where you're headed to, my love,
Don't be afraid, just believe in love.
Analise put that lyric on her blogger. And its true, I need to just let go and let god. Problem is I don't believe in a god. How confusing... Maybe I should just let go and let my soul take care of this. If there was ever a god then part of it lies in my soul. Let go, let soul. I need to.
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me
I need to let go, I tell myself this, and then I don't. I think I just need to sleep. I really need to sleep...
One more song. This song has always reminded me of Analise. Its so sexual and yet depressing and hopeless. Maybe..... maybe thats all that we can ever be. Wanting and yet hopeless. Cruel, cruel words...
I Want You
Third Eye Blind
The suckers loose themselves
In the games they learn to play
Children love to sing but
Then their voices slowly fade away
People always take a step away
From what is true
That's why I like you around
I want you
Oh you do you do...
You make me want you
An open invitation to the dance
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in
No apology because my urge is genuine
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine
Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent cause it bit so deep into my soul
I want you
Yeah, you do you do...
You make me want you
Oh you do you do...
Send me all your vampires
I want you
And I can't get enough, oh I can't get enough
And I can't get enough
The village church yard is filled with
Bones weeping in the grave
The silver lining of clouds
Shines on people Jesus couldn't save
You want to know how deeply my soul goes
Deeper than bones
Deeper than bones
And I can't get enough
Oh, I can't get enough
Oh, I can't get enough
Oh, I can't get enough
After we did it by the window sill
Smoke rings drift into the midnight sky
Presently in the quilt that your mother made
A candle burns to fight off the gloom
I said to live in this way is not for the meek
And like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep
I said there'll be no regrets when the worms come
And they will surely come
You do you do...
Make me want you
Send me all your vampires
Yeah you do...
Make me want you
9:51 PM
Thinking is a bad thing!!! Some times it can crush a person completely. Or cause a person to crush another. Don't think, trust me, its not worth it.......
Ok, ok, maybe thinking isn't that bad, but thinking to much is just asking for pain. Over thinking is EVIL!!!!!!!!!!
So, now, the explanation to that.... I have been thinking a lot about the Becca, Analise and Ollie situation. Its not really even Ollie. Its just the fact that Becca and Analise live three hours away from each other. That they can't hold each other or comfort each other. Its that, yes love exists between the two, but there is almost no place for the relationship to go. Once you have gotten to this level of trust that they are at there is really nothing to work on, there is nothing left to grow but the want to hold each other. And that would be fine if they were actually able to hold each other. Last night even Analise herself said that we're probably never going to have a "normal" relationship. You know, the ones where we could go on dates, we could watch movies together, we could see each other every week instead of every two months at a church function where we can't kiss. (*psssttttt* for you Joshua High people, its not because they don't "approve" of bi-sexualism or homosexualism, its that NO ONE is allowed to kiss, they could care less about sexual orientation) Anyways, it hurts me that I can't do things with her, that she is just a voice on the phone. I want so badly for us to see each other, to laugh and joke together. I want to have *poke* wars for real instead of online. I want to snuggle and watch a movie at her house just like she did with Ricky. I want to have her look into my eyes and say that she feels better just because of my presence. Alas, it seems that is impossible..........
Another problem is that I have just discovered a new world for myself. I happen to be what a lot of girls are looking for- nice, funny, smart, athletic, pretty in a strong way, crazy, sweet, dedicated, strong and all of that great stuff. I have girls iming me twice a day seeing if I want to talk to them. I've even gotten several *offers* for things that will go unmentioned. I, of course, said, "No thanks." Some people are strange......... But anyways, I have opened all of these new opportunities by wanting to act on my bi-sexualism. When I was only looking at guys I would be lucky to meet one a year that was mildly interested in me. Now I'm meeting two girls a day that would love to date me. Girls that think I'm cute!!! Who would have thought........... Not me.
With all of these new options its a little bit hectic in my life. I *have* Analise in a sense that I will probably never have with another, but we don't know if we can ever be together. I can "have" Ollie or one of the other girls in another sense, no where near as wonderful, no where near as important. I've spent a year of my life of sixteen years chasing after this girl, and now that I have her love there is no where else to go. If we could see each other even once a week we could work on building memorys and physical trust. We have the spiritual trust and the emotional trust. There is almost no where to go on that. Its very frusterating.
Notice how in my last post, only two days ago, I was perfectly happy and by no means confused. Now, only two days later I have managed to confuse myself completely. *High fives* Yesssss!!!!!!!!! Whooooohoooooooo............ At least I'm still happy *smiles.*
On a new tangent I really, really, REALLY dislike being around my family. In particular my little brother when he hasn't had his medicine. Zack has a chemical embalance that causes him to be hyperactive AND manic depressive. At the age of 13 he can't sit still for 10 minutes without knocking something over or saying extremly rude and negative comments. My mom doesn't like giving him his medicine even though it makes him five times a better person. She doesn't like giving it to him because she said why change what god made? She says how you would you feel if you had to take a pill to *fix* you as god made you. I agree in a way, but damn its hard to be around him.
We got a new van........ Its kind of exciting....... Yay....
I'm cold...... I guess that means I should put more clothes on, right love? *smiles* I miss you babe.
Now that I have done the logical thing and put a sweater on *teehee* I have no idea what else I want to write about..... I find that funny, yesterday I had so much to type, now I can't think of a thing...
Oh, I'm going to start a new blogger soon. Its going to be all about the study of music I do in my free time. Analyzing lyrics and the like. I think I'm going to put a song a day and what it makes me think. Maybe, if I could get around to it....
Living in dream worlds suck. Do any of you know how bad it sucks to have to imagine what its like to hold someone? Do any of you know how it feels to have to imagine your world when everyone finally knows? Do any of you ever get afraid, get scared, and then have no one to comfort you? Yes, yes to all of those. It seems so silly that we are all afraid of the same things, that we all dream of the same things, yet we are so distant from each other. We are afraid of our similarities, of our slight differences that we don't take the time to comfort others where we know they are afraid. The human race is quite a silly one indeed....
I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight today. I think of something and then it suddenly disappears. Quite interestante is it not?
I hate being around my family, its to the point where I dread the weekends. At least during the week I don't really even have to talk to them. I just got grounded for forgetting to run the dishwasher. My moms a bitch. I wish I had a home life like Analise. At least her parents aren't assholes. I guess its because they respect each other. I have no respect for my parents because they have no respect for me. Remember, I'm going to Austin so I can have sex with my straight friends!!! Oh and I sexually harrass my friends at school too!!! How nice. However, my parents are stupid and did not ground me from the phone. Dumb asses.
Sorry to leave on such a sour note. Love to all, well except the resident dumb asses. To pissed at them right now.
10:56 AM
Thursday, March 28, 2002
HelllooooOOOOOooo Joshua High School!!! So now the student body is reading my blogger!!! How exciting, lol. I hope you guys are getting a kick out of it, I could really care less if you read this. It doesn't matter to me what you think, or really even what you say about me and my life story, lol. Yes I, Rebecca Claire Williams, am bi-sexual. No, I don't go out and randomly have sex with people, no I don't hit on girls at school, no I don't have a girl friend but I sure wish I did.... And I don't like how that "sounds," lol, I don't have to explain my feelings or life to Joshua High. I'm happy with myself and my life and thats all that matters. Have a beautiful day Joshua High!!!
Haha, someone from our school got a hold of Josh's blogger and through his got to mine. A girl who shall remain nameless came up to Rose Anne last night and told her how sorry she was for her. She had heard that I was bi and that I had a crush on Rose, and she is just praying for me. Rose and I can't figure out why she would be sorry for Rose lol!!! It doesn't make sense to me, but whateva... And I guess I'll take the praying, I mean, I'm not going to be "fixed" or anything, but if someone would like to pray for me, why not? Lol. I think Josh and my blogger addresses are going around the "church group." And thats cool, ya know its a hell of a lot easier not to have to pretend ALL of the time now. Now I just have to pretend part of the time. Kik, what a life I live. Oh, and for any of you out there that are reading this from Joshua, I've known you guys are reading this for like five days. I just didn't think it was important enough to comment!!! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man, I am having a good day!!!
Seriously, I am feeling great today. I have no idea why. I am happy in my life right now, I am satisfied. I'm not overly worried about anything, I'm letting those worries roll off of my back and to the ground. It feels great!!! I don't know why...... You would think that I would be upset. Not though..........
I was thinking today, it doesn't even seem like we're in a war!!! If you didn't turn on the tv then you could wait weeks before even hearing about it. I find that silly........
Haha, I had something good to write about now I forgot.....
OHHHH, now I remember!!! I don't miss Analise as much today. This is a very strange thing!!! I don't know why but, I guess, what she's doing right this second isn't important to me. Usually I wonder all day. Maybe I'm feeling self satisfied so I don't need to know that I have her stamp of approval. At least not today. Its kind of liberating, or maybe I was already feeling liberated from being partly out so its just all run together. I can't seem to keep all of my thoughts straight today!!! *Teehee*
It would be nice to go out and do something with someone tonight. I want to dance with someone. Someone short, tan, female, cute, lovable, amazing, kind, funny, gentle, gorgeous, and perfect. To damn bad those kind of people are in short supply and only avaliable in the Austin area....... Ha, I guess I still do miss her............
Junior mints are good!!!
Just thought you would like to know lol.
I have no idea what else to write but there is no one online to talk to. NEVERMIND!!!! As I typed those words Ollie got on!!! Yay!!! Things are cool between us, which is nice. I wish that it would be a little hotter if you know what I mean... But I "have" Analise and we love each other so I must control my evil, evil bad brain and teenage hormones!!! LOL, I'm making myself laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Check this- we were taking a test in drivers ed test and one of the questions was, "What do you do when you have just been in a car accident?"
A. Get out of the car and help any one who is hurt.
B. Drive to the nearest police station.
C. Lock the doors and sound horn continously until the proper authorities arrive.
Hahahahahaha, that last one is soooooooo great. The sad/funny thing about it is that I can picture someone from my class doing that!!! That would be hilarious, lol.
Hmmm, rereading this that last thing about Analise and Ollie *sounded* sarcastic. It wasn't meant to be. I love Analise, I really do. It wasn't meant in a sarcastic manner.
And yet, I do wish that I could have a cuddle/make out session with someone. Preferably her but, I know thats not happening. Distance sucks. Yeah, so, anyways, my next choice in line is Ollie. Ollie happens to be free and probably willing. It would be nice, and I would really like it. But thats what love is about, making sacrifices for the other, for the relationship. I could easily have something with Ollie and then show up in Austin and have yet another beautiful girl in my arms. I won't though. I just wish I could have a guilt free, no strings attached, make out party with someone. Maybe Analise wouldn't mind that if it didn't mean anything. Damn it, I just remembered that I have to be mentally attracted before I'm physically attracted. *Snaps fingers* Oh well.......
Ricky, where are you????????? COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bah humbug, nothing else to write!!! See ya later. Bunches of love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4:22 PM
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
Yikes, love and attraction are such a pain in the butt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last night after I posted I talked to Ollie and Analise at the same time, together. Basically what was going on was that I was hurting Analise by dating Ollie and taking advantage of Ollie by being in love with Analise. Quite a problem, let me tell ya!!! So, I talked to them both at the same time and then I talked things out with V. V is amazing and great by the way, she's the best big sister I've never had, lol. Its true though.... Anyways, I decided that my love for Analise was more important than a relationship with Ollie, plus (unless something extraordianry happened) I could never be fair to Ollie because I am in love with Sunshine. A while ago I asked Analise to give me a try, to look distance in the face and then out run it with me. If I asked her to do it then I should do it. And I will. Yeah, I do miss the fact that I won't snuggle with a cute Ollie this weekend and that we won't go to the movies like we planned, but then I remember that I have Analise and my relationship with her is more important than life itself. In the back of my mind there is a little voice whispering that I didn't let Analise suffer, I didn't let her feel what I felt for those five months, and that I should have, she should have to feel that too. And then I laugh, isn't that silly? I would never want her to feel those feelings and I would do anything to keep her from them. And I did. I feel bad about Ollie, like bad. I had no intention of hurting that dear soul, in fact I wish that I had never even mentioned dating to her so that she wouldn't be hurt. I guess Analise had just cause in worrying about losing me to her. She is a person that I could fall in love with. Shes kind, sweet, and cuddly. She's smart and she doesn't feel oppresed by my dominate personality. And a lot of people are. And she's here, and she's real and I can touch her and feel her against me... But she's not Analise. And I want Analise with my heart and with my soul.
My life
My love
My soul
Thats what Analise is to me. Without her, gosh, I would be almost nothing. I need her...
So, now my predictions on whats going to happen between me and my girls- I am of course human, and Ollie is here. Attraction is a drug, and yes we have been over this before. I will probably hit on Ollie a few more times, maybe some kind of physical something or other will happen. It'll be on accident, something spur of the moment that neither of us could help. Analise and I will stay like we are for two or three days and then something will change. Not sure what, just sure that it'll happen. Not sure if its good or bad yet. But it'll happen.
My mom asked me about babies today... Yikes!!! I said yes, I'll have them, just maybe not mine......
I hope Josh is doing ok, he isn't really talking to me about it anymore and I don't know what that means. I love him a lot, but when he is hurt he gets all defensive and wraps himself up in his protective shell of ice and ego. Poor boy, he's between a rock and a hard place. Gods help him...........
Well, dears, I have a butt load of homework that I have to do. I'm going to try not to get back on for the rest of the night, so if I do get back on give me hell about doing my homework!!!
I love you Analise, I was thinking, maybe you could call me tonight and help me memorize my Julius Caesar thing. Like seriously. Plus I would get to hear your voice and it would make my life a million times better.
Ricky, where are you? I miss you. I thought you got grounded but I've heard different from my various sources. I hope you're ok. I love you much babe. Smile.
To the rest of my darlings I love you, god(s) bless!!! *teehee* Lol.............
5:19 PM
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
Well..... I got grounded, and thats why I haven't been online for the past two days. Just a rule of thumb for teenagers- don't scream back at your parents until you're 18 and you've moved out of the house. Wow, so much has happened in two days, I'm going to try and make a short run of it.
Saturday night Analise went to Kaytlen's house (sorry if its misspelled) and I didn't get to talk to her, which I really wanted to. It kind of hurt my feelings for awhile but then I had to laugh, it was sooooo silly to even be worrying about stuff like that. She IS allowed to have friends you know, lol.
Sunday I went to church and Ollie was there. We sat next to each other during the lesson and kind of snuggled but not. I liked it. It felt good to be near someone that wanted to be near me. And, lol, if I had any doubt that I was bi up until church, its long gone now. I wanted to kiss her soooooooooo bad. Well, we didn't, but I did get a hug when I walked her to her car.
On the way home my mom said some reallllly weird stuff to me. One of them being that Josh and I would make cute babies when she found out he was gay. Another one being that the only reason that I wanted to go to Austin this summer was that I wanted to have sex with everyone, including my straight friends. It made me mad. Does she not trust me at all!?! Its not like I have ever done anything like that, I am a responsible person. I won't do anything that I can't handle or I'm not ready for. Sheessssh!!!
When I got home I had to clean the bathroom. It made me really mad because my dad made me scrub the walls behind the toilet. It pissed me off because my brother is a horrible aim!!! Seriously, I swear. Its disgusting and he doesn't clean up after himself and my parents don't make him. Yeah, you can tell why I really enjoy living here!!! Thats why I got grounded, I told my dad that there was no way I was cleaning the walls.... I did because I would have been grounded for two weeks if I hadn't. Anyways, I was halfway done with the bathroom when Josh comes over. We're talking outside and he tells me that his parents found out. HOOOOOOLLLYYYYY SHIT!!! Thats all I could think. I didn't say that, I just held him. Poor, poor boy. They're going to send him off to religious therapy. I'm scared for him but I'm glad that I can be there for him. It feels nice when someone comes to you in their time of need.
Monday I went to school and did the whole band thing. People were screaming at the directors and making fun of them and other students. They were being horrible. It made me mad and it made me want to tell them to all "fall in." Argh, I hate it when people are distrespectful.
I'm going to prom. Yay!!! Well, not really. I'm not all that excited, in fact I'm quite nervous and I actually regret saying yes. Misty asked me while we were at Dairy Queen between band practices. I couldn't say no because its her senior prom. No, its not a date for those of you that are wondering, her boyfriend happens to be a junior and he can buy his own ticket. I can't buy one, though I wouldn't want to, but she wants me to go with her. So I will.......
Today was kind of crappy. Well, not all that bad, just not all that good at the end of the school day. It all started at lunch when Rose came back and was upset and wouldn't talk to me. Both she and Yvonne have been doing that a lot lately. They won't tell me anything, they get sad and depressed and say that they're having a bad day and then they walk away. It drives me nuts. Then I went to AP Theory and that class always is a downer. The concepts are so amazingly hard and it takes so much concentration and focus to try and understand them. Its hard for me to do that for an hour and a half. I usually go into this half trance state where I hear half of the things Ms. Scoggin says and the other half of me is concentrating on my crazy inner thoughts. Its pretty bad. After that I went to talk to Coach Jobe to see where we were meeting for soccer pics. She asked me if I was having a bad day and I said yes. Then she said that she would tell me something that would make me happy as long as I promised not to tell anyone. And then she told me!!! I MADE ALL DISTRICT GOALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the best goalie in one of the hardest districts in the state!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you couldn't tell, that makes me VERY happy. Oh, and by the way, if a single one of you breathes a word of this to anyone I will barbeque your buttocks tomorrow!!! I figure that the majority of the people that read this don't even go to Joshua so it doesn't matter. Well, I then RAN to Algebra to share the news with my best friend and when I told him he was like, "Thats great..." It kind of hurt my feelings. When he told me he made regionals in prose I gave him a high five and we hugged and I was happy for him. This was a huge deal to me, I worked my ass off the entire season for it and he was the first one I told. *teehee* I'm bad, but I only told Kaitlan, Yvonne and Rose after they guessed. And then you guys. *Shrugs* Even though he hurt my feelings I'm not mad at him, just wish he would be a little more excited for me.
Then I had soccer pics. Got those over with, did the band sectional thing, then Ms. Scoggin left me in charge of the band hall, I mean I had to wait until EVERYONE else went home before I could. It was all good though, I finished one of my part writings and made up with Rose Anne and Yvonne.
Then I came home and here I am now. I've talked to Analise, Ollie, Vanessa and Celeen in that order. Right now its just Celeen but Analise should be home soon and Ollie went to take some movies back, oh and yeah, Vanessa's coming back too, lol. I talked about the Analise and me and Ollie situation with Ollie. I need to talk to Sunshine about that too. When she gets on..........
Well, this is pretty long so, yeah, I'm done. Love much!!!
6:49 AM
Saturday, March 23, 2002
Little bit lonely. Little bit sad. I miss my love. I miss my crush. I miss that attention, that light in someones eyes as they look into yours and want you. I miss being needed like that. Maybe thats what my thing for Josh is. But I knew him, and liked him, before I ever had and needed Analise or Ollie. I just don't know. I need something. Someone. I need to protect, and to feel needed. And feel the person, the touch, the need. I want Analise. So badly. Just to look into her eyes. Just to brush her hair from her face. Just to kiss her beautiful, full lips. Just to kiss anyone. Josh touched my side tonight and I jumped. I am not used to any physical touch. I need it and want it so bad.
Why must i feel this way
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
Attraction and love are so hard to deal with, to control. Luckly I am very able to control myself. Or unluckly, depending on how you look at it. Maybe I can make out with Ollie tomorrow.....
9:20 PM
HAHAHAHA, I just posted two incomplete blogs. Haha, I hope you guys have fun trying to figure out what I was going to write next!!! Lol.
Went to the AP Music Bowl today and I took the test and I passed!!!!!!!!! I got a 3 on an AP test. To bad its not the real thing, it was just a practice test. But still, its encouraging, and plus I wasn't the worst one in the class, I beat 4 out of the other 9 students. That makes me sound stupid, but my god that is a hard class. Plus I am one of the only two sophomores in the class and I happen to have a natural disadvantage- I'm a percussionist. Now, some might laugh but I'm not even kidding. In percussion you play something with one and only ONE tone at a time. I have no experince sight reading music or tuning. My ear is almost completely undeveloped. In fact, at the beginning of the year I couldn't read bass clef and I had a hell of a time trying to read treble. I'm getting there though, I'll pass the damn test and get college credit my sophomore year in highschool.
Rose Anne had a long night last night. Her "guy friends" house burnt down and then she got grounded for missing curfew because she was comforting him. Shes a sweetheart. I'm no longer attracted to her to a great extent. Its just a little crush now.
Yvonne however is a different story. I've almost kissed her twice in the past week. The silly girl didn't even notice. I swear she is as naive as a child. Maybe thats the attraction, I mean, I could show her a whole new wonderful and amazing world. However, I will not risk that. Friendship is to important for a single kiss. Damn, I wish I could just try.....
Ollie wanted me to go to the dance at her highschool with her tonight. She's completely out so it wouldn't be such a big deal for her. I would have gone if my mom would have been home to ask. Fed her some silly line about Ollie not having a date and she wanted one of her friends to come with her. Ha, "friend." I don't know, that makes me really nervous, I mean, we would dance. Wouldn't we? And I would want to hold her hand. But then we would be at a highschool dance, a private Christian highschool dance. But then again, she is out and she says she doesn't get any crap about it. Wow, I want to go to her school. I'm going to need to talk to her about the me and Analise and her situation. I talked to her about it but I don't think that what I said meant the same thing to her as it did to me. She's a wonderful girl, I would truly hate to hurt her. *Sighs*
Things with Analise and I are getting better. I feel closer to her spiritualy now than I do physicaly. I really, really wish that we could have the physical. I would love that. I need that. I want to go to Italy soooooooo badly. If you don't know then ask me later. Problem for me is that I am not sure of one, how to go to Italy, and two if Analise would like to accompany me there. I would be comfortable going, but only if she was. I don't think she would want to, which is to bad, because I personally think that Rome is nice........ Analogies are great, none of you, except perhaps a few Austinites, have any idea what I'm talking about. *Sighs yet again* I thought about her all day today, even during the test. I have this little game I play with myself where I take names and put beats to the sylables. Since her name is most often in my mind I have created a whole piece in my mind for her. Its 6/8 time and uses a lot of accents and dynamic changes. I'm strange, I know. *Shakes head* Sometimes I wonder if she would even like me if I lived near her. I mean I have my little strange habits and my crazy things that I do. I laugh at the strangest things, I think that irony is the best form of humor. I laugh at parts where the hero dies or the part when true love is broken and only because the entire movie has just contradicted itself. Oh, and some find it quite annoying when I tell them the historical errors in the things that I watch. I do that too. I am a very silly person but then oh so serious. I don't know if she would like me.....
Everyone seems to be hitting on me lately. Four girls have contacted me from gay.com...... Three of them like me, one of them I'm kind of dating. Chris keeps on trying to put the moves on me too. He kissed me, I think, two weeks ago. And he keeps on touching me. Its kind of fun, but its not really wanted. It just kind of is, but he isn't intruding in my space. I don't object..... Then there is Josh...
Josh got mad at me last week, not exactly sure why. I think it started when he kissed me. And then I asked him about it. I am still wondering just went on in his head that night, he never answered any of my questions. But, he doesn't want to go there, not yet, and I am not willing to lose my friendship with him just for answers. They'll come some day. We aren't mad at each other anymore, or he isn't at me. I never was really mad at him, just fed up. I love him though, he is my closest friend besides, well, you know. JOSH MADE IT TO REGION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Josh happens to be an amazing prose performer. He got 2nd today at district, and he says he did bad. Trust me, when he's full force he is amazing. I am so proud of him, he's awesome. I just know he is going to make it to state. Josh, I love you dear, I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you mad. I am so glad we're ok now. Love you babe.
I'm going down to Josh's house now. Have fun you wonderful people you!!!
P.S. Analise, I'll try and keep the cell phone in my room so I can call you tonight. It might be kind of late, but you are warned, I'm still calling you if its like 11, wether you are asleep or not love. Love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:31 PM
Friday, March 22, 2002
Josh needs to take a pill. Seriously. He is taking everything between us so seriously. Am I no longer alowed to joke and to play around? Do I have to be completely serious all the time? Josh, I'm sorry I "forbad" you from quoting Shakespeare, After two straight days of nothing but Julius Ceaser and Lovers in Midsummer it gets a little annoying. Sorry, I didn't mean to come acrossed in that way. I'm sorry that you don't care what I'm seeing at the Globe this summer, I thought that you would be excited for me. And to tell you the absolute truth, I have seen many Broadway caliber plays in London, the just don't happen to be in New York. The Globe is the best of them all, it is a big deal, but sorry I will no longer inform you of any of it. I do like Shakespeare, I do enjoy it, but not when the same lines have been repeated over and over again by the same person for the eighth time in the hour. Its not like you were practicing your lines, I could have taken that, but you weren't. I'm sorry. I like Shakespeare. I do, so don't say that I don't. By the way, I mentioned the Illiad ONCE in History, and I wasn't even talking to you. I wasn't even directing it towards you, and I didn't quote any of it, not once. Yes, sometimes I do have trouble understanding Shakespeare, but that doesn't make me stupid or any of the like. I love Shakespeare, just not random lines every five seconds. You weren't wrong not to write notes in History, but you were wrong to imply that I don't care about my grades, I do
10:46 AM
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
I'm not dead yet!!! And that makes me quite happy. I talked to both Lily and Lauren today and they were both like, whatever its cool. I was like "Awwahhh a what?" Especialy (I think I just made up that word) after Lily did all the gay and lesbian bashing on the bus trips and at the soccer dinner. Josh said that its different now for them, because its me and not some far off stranger. I hope I can change their opinions of bi's and homosexuals. We aren't anything like the majority of the people make us out to be.
I miss Analise. I wish I could be there to help her, to hold her, to protect her. Its only the distance keeping her from me... She's worried about Ollie. Ollie is a Christmas tree compared to Sunshine. Still beautiful, yet it doesn't shine as brightly in my heart. I love her. I do.
Ollie told me some new stuff about her tonight. She has trouble sleeping, she gets really depressed at night, she has nightmares. Oh how I want to help her. Its like with Analise, I can't reach out to hold her and tell her she's ok because of distance. Plus I don't know if we would be at that point in the relationship yet. I want to take her to a park and watch stars and kiss. I want to kiss someone and have them want to kiss me. I want to hold someone, to whisper in their ear, to kiss their neck. Damn. I just wish it could be in Austin.
I went shopping today. Got a purse, pants, a couple shirts and shoes. All stuff I had to have, I mean this was a forced shopping trip, I don't like shopping. My mom gave me crap about wearing "prettier clothes" again. I just don't like those clothes, they just aren't comfortable and I don't like how they look. I hate shopping, for some
11:09 PM
Monday, March 18, 2002
Josh is frusterating me. He kind of hurt my feelings too. Just all the shit about last night and the kiss. He acts like it was something sinful and evil and wrong. Not exactly the things you want someone that kissed you to be thinking about. He was attracted to me and me to him, it wasn't wrong. Thats annoying. Plus he thinks hes the best thing since sliced bread, and he is pretty darn awesome but humility is needed in even the best. Yeah, so, anyways...........
Lauren, Lily and Beth know. Cassie told Lily, Lily told them at Anna's b-day party which I didn't attend for that reason. I am going to be not so nice to that girl, I mean I've forgiven her but still shes being not so nice to continue to tell people. I don't understand it, but oh well. I'm being forced out. I don't know what I'll do. I have to wait and see what they say. I'm more worried about Lauren than Beth or Lily. I guess I feel closer to her, she looked up to me a lot at one point. I'll have to wait and see. I was at one act all day today so I haven't talked to any of them yet. Kaitlan said that when Lauren found out she said she was sorry for me. I don't know if thats good or bad, if its religious or not or what. I guess I'll find out. Lily hates "fags" and I don't know about Beth. Haven't talked to either yet.........
Ollie is really, really sexy.........
I'm scared. At the possiblity of being able to act on my feelings, of being "out", of hurting my girls...........
Ricky, you're wrong. I can, will and have always protected Analise. Physicaly no, because of distance, but mentaly and spiritualy I always have. I have protected you Ricky, and you are male. Gender had nothing to do with protection, its the personality and ablility of the person. I protect all that let me, I enjoy it, it makes me feel better as a person. Protecting is part of my blood....
Analise is looking at pics of Ollie. I wonder how that feels... I wonder if it feels like what I felt when I saw the first pic of Ricky.........
This is stream of conciousness, just whatever jumps in my head. Its kind of fun.........
I miss Analise. I really wanted her to be with me today while I was watching those long plays. Someone whos hand I could hold...
Love is a dangerous thing but attraction is worse...
Alchemy is the funnest freakin game in the world.
Analise is getting it, she's telling me I'm cute and wonderful... It makes me feel good..........
"You like to think you're never wrong
You want to act like you're someone
You want someone to hurt like you
You want to share what you've been through"
Linkin Park
Thats dedicated to Josh and Ricky but more to Ricky. He is really frusterating me and that first line is perfect for him. Remember everyone, you are allowed to get annoyed with those you love...
There is a really great song that I wanted to put on here for Sunshine... I can't remeber the band or the name of the song or even a portion of the lyrics........
Well, I want to close the window so later. Love lots.
9:09 PM
What a strange bunch we are indeed!!!
Last night Josh took me out for one of our “dates.” It’s nothing big, just a couple of friends going out to dinner and a movie. So we both thought. We went to Jose’s, which is a pretty good Mexican restaurant in Cleburne, and then we headed for the movies. We joked about sharing gum and lipgloss. When we sat down he started holding my hand, I was cool with it, in fact I really needed some physical touch. Then my broken finger started hurting so we had to let go. For a while we just sat there. I wanted to kiss him really bad but decided that our friendship was worth more than a kiss. I thought he wouldn’t want to kiss me in other words and I didn’t want to lose him to that. Then he put his arm around me, and held my other hand, and then our heads touched. And I wanted so badly to move my head that quarter of an inch so that our mouths would touch. I wanted to kiss his neck and feel his hand on my back. But I didn’t do anything. Our friendship is worth more than a make out session. After the movie we go directly into talking about it, no mention of what we just did. Then we went to Wal-Mart for him to get some stuff for his family. Still no mention. In fact we’re both talking about our problems with the opposite sex, me with Analise and Ollie and him with Oscar. We’re driving home and Josh is telling me how he found out he was gay. We pull up to my house and I ask kiddingly, where’s my kiss, I gave you one last time (on the cheek). He reaches over and kisses me on the lipsh. It wasn’t a long kiss but it wasn’t a short kiss. When I asked he said, “Just leave it as a kiss, leave it as a kiss.” “Well, was it a sexual kiss or a make Becca feel better kiss?” “Both.” “ I wanted to kiss you at the movies.” “Me too.” We talked for a couple more minutes; I gave him a hug and said its ok to be confused. Then I got out and went home. I called my Sunshine and talked to my girl online. Analise was upset and scared. Ollie was cute and flirty. I liked Analise more. Even though we aren’t together, I still love her. Right now my body is free to kiss who I want to, but my heart and my soul were taken long ago by five foot three girl. By the sweet amazing girl who changed my life, over and over again. By the girl that I’ve waited for, for ten months. By my meditation buddy. She is my love and though I might make out with another, that does not change. Love is a strange, strange thing, almost as strange as attraction. My life is quite interesting, is it not? Hahaha. Enjoy, love to all.
6:47 AM
Sunday, March 17, 2002
Pain. Ripping. I scream, or I want to. I want to punch something, to let this all out. Its been a long, long week...
Ricky, I am not mad at you. For once in my life I put myself above others, I gave myself time to breathe. Think about whats happened to me in the past week. I deserve some time to breathe.
Analise, I love you, with my heart and with my soul. You hit me hard last night. Really hard. And you didn't say sorry. Even if you weren't I wish you would have. I love you, even though you rip my heart out weekly. I don't know why, somethings are stronger than the pain. I love you.
Celeen, I feel for you babe. I love you and things will be alright.
Josh, don't out yourself just for me, I can take what comes. Remember, I'm just like a guy, haha, what a strange bunch we are.
My world is dead. Or heading in that direction.
On Thursday Chris kissed me. I didn't ask or didn't indicate that I needed or wanted a kiss. He just did. And though I did not want it from him or need it from him, I needed it in my soul.
On Thursday I went home early. Later that day Casse told Patricia that I'm bi. Patricia began telling the whole school.
No repercussions on Friday, no one screaming at me, no tears of miss understanding. Not yet anyways.
Last night, Saturday, Analise broke up with me. My heart stopped. I felt sick, I couldn't breathe. Literally. Ricky kept demanding what was wrong, I needed time for myself. I blocked him. He begged through Analise. I never unblocked him. Analise was dealing with Ricky. She said that she can't give me what I need right now, that she is dealing with to much emotionaly for a relationship. Ok. She loves me though. She loves me but we can't be together. It hurt. Bad. When I went to bed I layed there attempting to breathe and then I thought of what I had spent half the day doing. I was writing her a song. I had the melody and the words written, I just had to wait until my hand heals so I can lay out the drum beat. I lay there singing the chours, crying to myself.
You make me laugh
You make me fly
You make me smile
You make me cry
I cried. Rebecca, the hard stone wall, cried herself to sleep last night. I have never felt pain such as that. Never, not even the day I told her I loved her. It was even physical this time. She needs time. Time. Time. Time, time, time. Always time. Ok, whatever you need beautiful. Always whatever you need. But could you be grateful for that? For the fact that even though you beat me senseless with rejection and pain I am willing to wait for you, that I love you. Could you at least thank me as a friend? Could any of you thank me? Could someone be greatful that I have helped you? Can I be the girl? Can I fall at someones feet needing help? Not right now. Almost never, of course, you know I am Tears On A Rock Face. My face is crumbling, my wings are melting, the wine glass is spilled, the damage done. My world is crumbling. Is someone here to catch me? No. Never..............
10:12 AM
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Today was a weird day........ Weird, weird day. It started with me waking up at 1:30 this morning to write my history essay. I am very strange and for some reason I seem to have writer's block at night so I go to bed early and wake up earlier. And it works quite well, its just bad when I have two essays on one week or day. Those make me very, very sleepy. I finished my paper at 6, got ready for school, went to drivers ed. That class is sooooo amazingly easy and boring and would be a waste of my time if I didn't want to drive. Yeah so anyways, I then went to history and I was all good until Josh gave me a book to look at during class. It's called, I think, "Hi" I Lied, or something to that effect. Its about two gay guys who are in love and then one of them has a bisexual relationship with a girl and all the pain and emotion that comes with the realzation of all of it. It scared me, it talked about being out and free, and I kind of shut down for three hours. I just kept thinking about being shut up inside of this fear, inside of this pain, not truly knowing what my friends that don't know would think. My biggest fear in life is nonacceptance. I mean, I am my own person and I know that I'm great, but I need to hear it. And I need to be reassured and my lifestyle is not one that is usually praised. So, then in chemistry I wrote Headphones and I realized how backwards life can be some times. I just spent eight months planning winter rally, the Beat. The basis of the rally was how we are all connected through music and the beat of life. For the past eight months I have been blocking people at school by wearing my headphones. My headphones are protection. With those on I can hide from the world and people don't have to acknowledge my presence because I am ignoring theirs. Complete opposite of what I was trying to teach at winter. *Shrugs* After I wrote Headphones I felt a little bit better and then AP theory I spaced out and then in Algebra 2 I read the rest of the book. Its a good book. After school was fun, we (Josh, Marlina, Andrew, Lyssa and I) dressed up in sheet togas that had Duck Tales and Star Wars on them and did the third act of Julius Ceaser. It was great. We had a lot of fun. So that was my day. And for some reason I didn't space this out any...
So much better. Today when I was feeling all down I really missed my sweetest, dearest Analise. I would do anything for thirty minutes in her presence. When I was walking through the halls writing the poem in my head I had a counter melody running through my head chanting, "I need her now, more than before, I need her now, more than ever before." It just kept on going. I really want to have an everyday relationship with her. For those of you that read Ricky's blogger, I am jealous of that memory he has of her. The seeing her every day, knowing her schedule, walking her to class. I want that for us. Distance sucks. Really sucks.
Ollie is a really great girl. Don't get me wrong, I love Analise and I wouldn't dream of leaving her but that doesn't mean I can't recognize a great girl when I meet one. And Ollie is a great girl.
I hope Sunshine gets on soon. I miss her.......
Love ya bunches!!!
P.S. Tim and Ricky were kind enough to inform me my link to my other blogger was wrong so here is another one---> Piece of Soul
7:25 PM
Monday, March 11, 2002
Sorry that last post was kind of half baked, I guess it happens sometimes... Anyways I put up another blogger, except this one is for my poetry. Feel free to visit any time--> Piece of Soul
Analise and I had, I guess, a disagreement on Sunday. It really scared me. When we hung up the phone I was angry and as soon as her voice stopped I was instantly sorry, but I couldn't bring myself to call her back right away. I waited an hour and called and she wasn't there. So I waited an hour and called, and she wasn't there. This continued on and on for about six hours until finally I reached her. She had been sleeping (by the by she is sick with tonsolitous (sp)) She couldn't talk because her throat hurt but she got on aim and we talked for awhile. We talked it out and I was SOOOOO relieved when I knew we were ok. All of these doubts that I've been having about being in love with her just washed off of me. It felt good. It still does. I didn't get to talk to her tonight but thats ok, she is probably still sick or hanging with a friend because she does have break this week. I hope its the latter because that means she feels better.
I'm really tired and I have to write a history paper... OH, OH!!! I made a 95 on that english paper of mine!!! I kicked major booty!!! It made me happy but surprised me because I didn't feel like it was a good paper. I've written better that got lesser grades. I think it was my opening paragraph... Check it out -->
Complete and utter confusion takes hold of the room as turns it upside down, sending its occupants flying and twisting through the air until they bounce off a wall with bone shattering results. He screams a silent, open-mouthed scream as he finds that everything he knows is wrong and he goes tumbling across the room. His path is aiming him for a head on collision with disaster. Suddenly he wakes from this nightmarish dream only to find himself safely in his bedroom at home. He is one of the lucky ones, for some never awaken from those dreams. Some people are forever living in these delusional fantasies, the only worlds they know. These people are the eccentric, the crazy, and the really quite batty people of insane asylums around the world. In two books, One Flew Over A Cuckoo’s Nest and I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, the worlds of the mentally insane are breached and brought to life through writing. These books, though they are similar, are very different in many cases.
I think its pretty weak towards the end but the beginning is pretty good...... Yeah, I'm going to take my usual two hour nap before beginning to write at 12:00. For some reason I write better when I'm exahusted...
10:17 PM
Saturday, March 09, 2002
I didn't finish this one the day I started it so the endings kind of abrupt...
****YAWN**** I just woke up from a three hour nap *streches*. It felt really good. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately.
The soccer game was great last night. I mean it was awesome. Yes, we did lose, that is on the score board. In heart, in strength, we kicked their asses all over that playing field. I lead the team again last night. The parents told me I was in the zone. Aledo had somewhat thirty or forty shots on goal. Two, ONLY two went in. I screamed the entire game, not a mean scream, I never scream mean things. The theme of last night was, "YOU CAN DO IT, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, WATCH 5 CENTER, 00 ON THE BACK FIELD, COME ON LADY OWLS PICK IT UP, PUSH YOURSELF, LETS GO GET ONE!!!" And you think thats annoying the FIRST time you hear it. Imagine screaming that four eighty minutes non stop. Thats my job, that and diving randomly at balls and attempting to catch them. Despite what everyone said about last night, I don't think I did all that well. The balls were bouncing in and out of my hands. I just can't pull them in with a broken finger, my body won't let me. I can't convince myself mentally to take it in because it hurts so much. I dropped a lot of balls last night but then I had the guts to jump on top of them right when the other team was kicking. Couple feet to the head. Nothing out of the ordinary. A couple people told me that I could make it to the nationals yesterday. The national team. Damn. Thats hard for me to hear. Ha, its hard for me to hear the ultimate compliment. Why? Because I don't know if I want that. Because to get that I have to give up band, I have to give up leadership in YOU, I have to limit myself to soccer and only soccer. No cross country, no drum major, no drummer, no regi. National team. Damn. Does that weigh out? Is it worth it? I could give up all of those things and then not make it. I've been told by my coach I could get a full ride on soccer to college. That would be nice. It would give me alot of options for college. More than I have now. Another question, do I love soccer more than music? I mean the intensity on the field, the diving, the striving, the leading, does that compare to expressing my soul? To the flowing, the moving, the grooving of music? I don't know. I love both but I can't seem to completely have one without giving up the other. Its hard being really good at a lot of stuff. That sounds conceited, but its not meant that way. Its hard for me to chose what direction I want my life to go in...
Anyways, after the game we were all screaming and having a great time. It felt as if we won the game, oh, by the by Aledo is the champion of our district. We got on the bus and we sang the entire hour and a half ride back. It was awesome. It felt like rally. Like my soul was overflowing with joy and love for the girls on my team. God am I going to miss soccer. No more games, no more practice. I wish it was an all year sport. I would love that. It could be if I played select....... If I quit band...... Argh. Yvonne is moving, Lauren is moving, Oksana is going back to the Ukraine, Amanda is going to college. My girls are leaving me. No more soccer with them. I'm gonna miss that the most. The girls on my team are wonderful and amazing. Kind, sweet, funny, amazing people all around. I'm not going to see them every day now and that makes me sad. No driving to practice in Rose Anne's car. Dang. I miss it already.
When I got home last night I got online and then proceeded to fall asleep while online. I apologize to those I was "talking" to. I literally fell asleep. I can't even remember who I was talking to, just the fact that I had a couple aim windows open. Haha, thats funny.
8:28 PM
Thursday, March 07, 2002
Well, I should be writing my english paper. I'm not. Of course. I need Josh to get home so I can ask him something about it. I hope he gets home soon....
I made a new friend a couple days ago. Josh was over at my house and we were in my room. He got online and was talking to some of his friends and then wanted to show me a website. I was like, ok. Well, guess what popped up on my screen? Gay.com...... I had no idea there was such a place. So we were going through and looking at the personals for him (gay guys obviously) and then he went home. Later on I checked out the site and decided to join the website. Its called Gay.com, but its for all homo- and bi-sexuals. Yeah, so anyways, I made a personal and I put it on the web. When I put it out I was looking for someone to date, but I'm not anymore *smiles and winks.* Anyways, one day I was scanning through the personals for me and I stumbled acrossed a girl who lives rather close to me. She said she was looking for someone to talk to and so was I, so I e-mailed her. We started talking on aim and she's really awesome. Her name is Ollie and we have such a great time. We laugh at a bunch of crazy, silly stuff. Yesterday she was feeling in the dumps, and me being the Becca I am, cheered her up. When she was feeling better she said she wished I was avaliable. *sighs* Why do they all have to live so far away!?! Oh, by the by, she lives in Ft. Worth, near Hulen Mall, but I probably won't ever meet her. Not that I would leave Analise for her, I wouldn't, but all of the people who like me are really far away... It doesn't make sense at all. Does that mean I'm unable to maintain a romantic relationship with people who interact with me daily, or does it mean that there is just no opportunitys in Joshua? Both? No idea, just a thought. Something to chew on for awhile, my own rind for those of you who have read I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. Yeah...
Yay!!! Analise misses me. She really, really does. She wrote me an e-mail last night and it made me feel really good. It got me over the bad day I had been having. She always makes feel better. It made me happy that she missed me. I needed it. She has this thing about love. Its kind weird to me, I guess... I think she feels that she must completely love herself before she can love others. That she must love herself more than everyone else. Now, that sounds concieted and mean, but its not. I don't know all that happened, but at one point in her life she hated herself. Everyone hits that point, I have several times, but it hit her extremly hard. I think she feels that if she doesn't support herself completely that no one will be there to catch her. She has to put herself first. To me, that is very strange. I am very dependent on others emotionaly. I love many people more than I love myself. I love her more than I love anyone. It just doesn't make sense to me that one should always love oneself more than any others. I would like Analise to love me more than herself. I would be there to catch her. Always. No matter what kind of relationship we were in. Friendship, lovers, acquaintances, no matter what I would be there to catch her, to help her, to guide her in her time of need. I would like to think that she would do the same for me. No matter whatever else she is involved in. Maybe she needs time to work up to that. Maybe she is not like me. Everyone is different, maybe its just something I do. But thats what I want. I want someone to be with someone who I can lean on, and have lean on me, equaly. Maybe time will fix this. Time will either change her, or me, or most likely, both of us. Just gotta wait........
Ricky made me mad last night. I was talking to Analise on the phone, one of the rare times that I get to, and he kept telling me to tell her this, tell her that. Once, when I told him that I wouldn't, he called her right then, interupting our conversation. Yes, I understand he is hurting and that he needs to talk about this, but why the hell does it have to be everytime I'm talking to her. I need to talk to her, just one on one, without anyone else bothering me. For now on when I'm talking to her I'm logging off line. Or I'm getting off of aim. It really makes me mad. Why can't he talk to her in thirty minutes? He sees her every day and has a billion more chances to talk to her than I do. Talk then, don't wait until its my turn. Argh.
Well, I should go and write my english paper...... Tootles.....
9:14 PM
Well, I should be writing my english paper. I'm not. Of course. I need Josh to get home so I can ask him something about it. I hope he gets home soon....
I made a new friend a couple days ago. Josh was over at my house and we were in my room. He got online and was talking to some of his friends and then wanted to show me a website. I was like, ok. Well, guess what popped up on my screen? Gay.com...... I had no idea there was such a place. So we were going through and looking at the personals for him (gay guys obviously) and then he went home. Later on I checked out the site and decided to join the website. Its called Gay.com, but its for all homo- and bi-sexuals. Yeah, so anyways, I made a personal and I put it on the web. When I put it out I was looking for someone to date, but I'm not anymore *smiles and winks.* Anyways, one day I was scanning through the personals for me and I stumbled acrossed a girl who lives rather close to me. She said she was looking for someone to talk to and so was I, so I e-mailed her. We started talking on aim and she's really awesome. Her name is Ollie and we have such a great time. We laugh at a bunch of crazy, silly stuff. Yesterday she was feeling in the dumps, and me being the Becca I am, cheered her up. When she was feeling better she said she wished I was avaliable. *sighs* Why do they all have to live so far away!?! Oh, by the by, she lives in Ft. Worth, near Hulen Mall, but I probably won't ever meet her. Not that I would leave Analise for her, I wouldn't, but all of the people who like me are really far away... It doesn't make sense at all. Does that mean I'm unable to maintain a romantic relationship with people who interact with me daily, or does it mean that there is just no opportunitys in Joshua? Both? No idea, just a thought. Something to chew on for awhile, my own rind for those of you who have read I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. Yeah...
Yay!!! Analise misses me. She really, really does. She wrote me an e-mail last night and it made me feel really good. It got me over the bad day I had been having. She always makes feel better. It made me happy that she missed me. I needed it. She has this thing about love. Its kind weird to me, I guess... I think she feels that she must completely love herself before she can love others. That she must love herself more than everyone else. Now, that sounds concieted and mean, but its not. I don't know all that happened, but at one point in her life she hated herself. Everyone hits that point, I have several times, but it hit her extremly hard. I think she feels that if she doesn't support herself completely that no one will be there to catch her. She has to put herself first. To me, that is very strange. I am very dependent on others emotionaly. I love many people more than I love myself. I love her more than I love anyone. It just doesn't make sense to me that one should always love oneself more than any others. I would like Analise to love me more than herself. I would be there to catch her. Always. No matter what kind of relationship we were in. Friendship, lovers, acquaintances, no matter what I would be there to catch her, to help her, to guide her in her time of need. I would like to think that she would do the same for me. No matter whatever else she is involved in. Maybe she needs time to work up to that. Maybe she is not like me. Everyone is different, maybe its just something I do. But thats what I want. I want someone to be with someone who I can lean on, and have lean on me, equaly. Maybe time will fix this. Time will either change her, or me, or most likely, both of us. Just gotta wait........
Ricky made me mad last night. I was talking to Analise on the phone, one of the rare times that I get to, and he kept telling me to tell her this, tell her that. Once, when I told him that I wouldn't, he called her right then, interupting our conversation. Yes, I understand he is hurting and that he needs to talk about this, but why the hell does it have to be everytime I'm talking to her. I need to talk to her, just one on one, without anyone else bothering me. For now on when I'm talking to her I'm logging off line. Or I'm getting off of aim. It really makes me mad. Why can't he talk to her in thirty minutes? He sees her every day and has a billion more chances to talk to her than I do. Talk then, don't wait until its my turn. Argh.
Well, I should go and write my english paper...... Tootles.....
8:34 PM
Tuesday, March 05, 2002
We lost again tonight. 1-0. But we played really well and that first goal was only a fluke. *sighs* Oh well........... My throat hurts. I'm drinking tea so this is only going to be as long as it takes me to drink all of my tea. So, yeah, anyways........
Analise is frusterating me. I haven't talked to her in three days. I've written her a couple e-mails, none of which she has responded to. What does that mean? One of them was a love poem and the other was an e-mail that actually talked to her about stuff. You would think she would write, that was cute, I love you bye. I don't want a lot. Just to be missed and shown that I'm missed.
I was thinking today, how could someone love me? I mean seriously, how could someone even be attracted to me? Yes, I have a good body, a really good body, but the face isn't anything. In fact I would probably look better without a head. And I am so controling. I boss everyone around whenever I get the chance. Well, not really. Just when I'm in a leadership position. But still, I don't understand it. I'm just to damned masculine. I'm just to damned not what I'm supposed to be. Blah.
You know what I realized? All of the people that are attracted to me are at great distances away. The ones that tie for the closest are 300 miles away. I talk to them ONLINE. I never ever see them. I never communicate with them in everday life. What would happen if they hung out with me for a couple days? They would simply decide that I'm a better friend. Everyone does. Long distance relationships suck.
I miss Analise. I am just beginning to be able to deal with my new feelings for her. For awhile I thought I didn't love her anymore. I realize now that it was just the fact that my feelings were being accepted and returned to some extent. I didn't know how to deal with that at first. I'm trying to do better. I just wish she would act like she misses me. I hope she does.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Goodnight
11:03 PM
Sunday, March 03, 2002
I have a princess!!! I have the most beautiful girl in the world dreaming about me!!! I have the most amazing, sweet, gorgeous, loving, sexy princess in the whole entire world!!! *Sighs happy/longing sigh* By the way, thats how we defined our relationship lol. She's my Sunshine Princess and I'm her knight. I get to be the knight!!! Yay!!! I have waited my whole life for this, even if I was denying it the majority of the time. I have a princess!!! When I get down to Austin I am going to sweep her off of her feet and carry her away for just a while. *winks* Hopefully we can find an empty class room so I can at least kiss her while I'm there. Yay!!! I have a princess. My Sunshine Princess, the most beautiful girl in the world. Wow. I have a princess!!! *Sighs* And I love her... And she loves me... And we miss each other... And though it feels horrible its the best feeling I've had in a long, long time. Oh, I talked to her about that stuff. Its all good. I kind of worked it out inside of myself before I talked to her about it, so it was easier. I love her. I truly do. I can't wait until I'm down there and I can bring her flowers. Until I can cook her dinner and put it in basket and take it to the park with candles. I can't wait until I can wrap my arms around her waist and smell her hair. Until I can look into the amazing orbs of beauty and soul that she calls her eyes. Three months. Damn. Damn. Damn. I might have to steal a car *teehee.* *Sighs* Absence makes the heart grow fonder... I think if we get much more fonder we're going to explode... *Smiles* That makes me happy, very happy. Everything about her makes me happy. Her voice makes me happy... Her pictures make me happy... Not as happy as if they were her but they still make me happy. Damn. I need a teleportator. Now. *Sighs* I must go, maybe I should plan the church lesson now.........
10:13 AM
Saturday, March 02, 2002
Wow, its been a while since I last posted. Part of that is that I've been busy and part of that is that Analise didn't want me to for awhile. I'm assuming that its ok now... I hope so.
SHE LOVES ME!!! She, Analise Herrera, my every hope and dream come true is in love with me!!! Me, crazy Becca, she loves me!!! It makes me so happy and yet so scared all at once. I have a lot of weird feelings. I'm going to talk to her about those later tonight before I put anything on here.
Ricky really, really scared me on Thursday night. Analise broke up with him on Wednesday and I was grounded so I didn't find out until Thursday. Ricky was suicidal. He did some stuff that really scared me. I almost couldn't handle it. Suicide just messes me up. Brings back old memories. Memories of hurt and pain and confusion. Of guilt. Of funerals. Of looking into Sonya's little brother's eyes and not knowing what to say to him. How to explain. Memories of challenging my beliefs. Of changing all that I thought was right. How could she be in heaven? Not after the life she lived. Not after that... Of looking out my window and seeing where we used to sit and look at stars together. I have never sat there again. Ever. I don't know if I could. God damn it. Don't you ever, EVER, do that to someone. I don't care who you are, I don't care if I know you or not, don't you EVER do that to someone you love. To someone you hate. Ricky scared me. When I was talking to him on aim I had to log off for a couple minutes. If I hadn't been talking to Analise I couldn't have stayed on. She calmed me, soothed me with her voice, told me everything was going to be okay. I was so close to breaking down. Damn it. I don't like suicide.
But I helped Ricky. I got through, he got through. We are both alive and well. Thats what matters. I helped him.
Lately its been really hard on me. Being bi is really hard. To try and justify your feelings even to yourself. To try and repress those feelings. I am so different. I am such a guy. I act like one. I hate shopping, I hate prom dresses, I hate makeup. Hate is a strong word......... Dislike with a passion crazed frenzy. Thats a better discription. I love sports, I love football, I love writing silly poetry, I love sweeping beautiful princesses off of their feet with sugar sweetened words. I want to kiss my princess. I have a princess. Bloody hell. Society hates me. My soccer team would hate me if the knew. We had a pasta dinner before the game last night and we were talking and some how it got around to if gays/lebians/bi-sexuals are wrong/evil/damned to hell. About every single girl in that room was looking at me like I was crazy for defending "them." I couldn't just sit there and let them say those things about me but I couldn't stop lying. I hate lying. I hate denying all of what I feel for "society." Fuck, because of society I can't talk about Analise. Because of society when I see her this summer after six months of being apart, I'm going to have to wait until we get to a "private place" before I kiss her or hug her or hold her hand. Fuck society. Last night after the soccer game I was doing the traditional hand shake with the other team and all of the bench sitters on the other team called me "Man" as I slapped their hands. That shouldn't hurt, I shouldn't care what they say. But it does hurt. I am not a man. So what if I act like one? So what if I wish I was? Fuck society. Damn I'm weird. Damn. I'm ashamed of myself. Of what I feel. Of what I want. I was at a party last night. Sitting next to one of my best friends I wanted to lean over and kiss her. To hold her. Fuck. Is no one safe? Do I have to be attracted to all of my friends? Fuck. I love Analise. I do with my heart and soul. My attraction to Yvonne was purely physical but damn it was real. And it sucks. I can't hold Analise, I can't touch her. Fuck. Distance sucks. Society sucks. And I am to negative sometimes. *sighs*
I should be happy. I have the girl of my dreams. She loves me. I love her. But I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'll discuss more later...
I need to finish planning the lesson for tomorrow........ I need to make my poster for leadership elections.... I need to finish presents....... I need to move to Austin.......
All for Austin, that would be a great name for a band. AFA. I wrote that all over a folder once. Its true. All for Sunshine. AFS. Nah, AFA sounds better.
Love you guys.
10:37 PM
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