A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
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Tuesday, April 30, 2002
I've got an all day field trip to the JFK museum today with my English class. Josh might be going... Wish me luck...
After that I'm headed to either the Bass Hall or the Myerson, I can't remember which, to see Betoveen's (yes, I know, I butchered his name) Ninth Symphony. When I get home it WILL be late. Probably 11 or 12. Talk to you guys and girls tomorrow. Love ya much
7:28 AM
Monday, April 29, 2002
uhhhh, it didn't post this earlier.......
8:32 PM
An excerpt from my note book to Analise........ I thought it was easier than trying to explain my day yet again................
Apr 29
A guy I don't know commited sucide this weekend. Ouch......
Sonya
Why did you leave me?
Why did you go?
Disappeared to me with this pain and fear
I could have done better
I should have been there
To help and to guide you
And been a true friend
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I know that you will
I just don't know if I ever will
(4 hours later)
Owowowowowowowow I hurt. Bad. Josh has been "saved." His parentw have manipulated him to the point where he says being gay is a sickness. He says that we're wrong and that unless we repent we're going to hell. He says that my love for you is evil and fake and that I've just made it all up. It hurts so bad. I've been crying since he told me. He told me that he is required to try and "save" me. That if he doesn't try to "save" me then he can't be my friend. God it hurts. My best friend has all but abandoned me. I want to curl up on your lap right now. I want to cry on your shoulder. I want you to tell me that its all okay and that you love me and that we're right and that Josh will get better. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt....
I wat to curl up in a ball and cry now. I want to talk to you and have you protect me, cause I need it now. So, so bad. I wanna go home..... I need you sweetheart.......
*Big picture of a heart with the word hurt in the middle of it. The heart is scribled out and the backround is shaded in black. The whole pic is in black for that matter.*
I wish I could scream..... I wish I could collapse down into a heap of tears. I wish you were here Analise.... I wanna paint the world over black, make everything the same and ok. I wanna sleep to make this pain go away. I wish you were here. I know you could make me feel better. You always do. I wanna cry...
Thats the end of the excerpt. I need a big bear hug right now. The guy that commited sucide hurt a lot. Brought back bad, old memories. It got me worried about Josh and Ricky. Both are somewhat sucidal, though for different reasons. Please don't ever kill yourself........ Anyone and everyone. It hurts the ones that are left behind so badly. I still have a hole in my heart from five years ago. It still hurts. Please don't.
I need Analise here, now. I need her to wrap her arms around me and wipe away my tears. I'm hurting pretty badly. Josh cut me deep. I REALLY dislike his parents. He did apologize to me later but I don't know how much of it is real. The boy is to fucked up right now. Analise, come give me a hug...... Come kiss me and make me feel better....... Let me crawl on your lap and cry while you soothe me, cause damn I need it............................................
Ouch.............. Ouch. It all still hurts. I've got tears welling in my eyes............
Please....... Analise..... where are you? She isn't coming home until 7:30 and I know that. I need her though................
I have to get offline at 6 but I get it back at 8. I'm going to call Analise if I can at 9. If you need to talk to me and miss me before 6 I will be on from 8 to 9 possibly 10
Ricky, I need to talk to you...............................
Analise, call me or get online when you read this. Please........
5:25 PM
Sunday, April 28, 2002
WHERE ARE YOU SUNSHINE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I miss you............................
4:05 PM
Wow, long time, no see. Can anyone say GROUNDED??? Well I can!!!
Yeah, yeah, I was grounded. I know, I know........ I'm evil, lol sure.
A lot of stuff has happened in the past couple days. I am now banned from Josh's house because his mom said, "Its all Rebecca's fault isn't it, this is all her fault!!!" I guess I sprinkled a little to much gay dust on Josh's head because apparently I turn people gay!!! Better watch out my little straight readers, I'm comin ta get ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Shakes head* How dense could some people get? Josh is no longer allowed out of the house or on extra curricular trips. He has no access to the phone, the computer, the internet. The boy is the ULTIMATE grounded. I do not like his mommy.
My mommy doesn't like my girlfriend........ In fact, I don't think she would like any of the girls I bring home, not that I've brought any home, just in theory... Anyways, she really doesn't like Analise and only because she doesn't have a penis. Sorry sweetheart, my mom is insane. Well, maybe not insane, but more close minded then I would like her to be. She keeps on saying "Penis........ Celibacy....... Penis.......Celibacy....." like I find it amusing and funny. Guess what??? I DON'T. *Sighs* I wish my mom would just accept the fact I don't want a boy. I want the cute short girl with the tight shirt and the tight pants thats walking infront of me........... Sorry mom.
I'm doing the lesson at church today. Its based on the saying- This, too, shall pass. Great lesson on change, I hope to teach the class that change is not only a good thing but a thing that is absoultely needed. Yep yep.
Hahahaha, I guess that either no one besides my best friends read this or that the other readers are to chicken to "call" me up online. Oh well..................
Hold on, writing paper........... Okay.... All done!!! I have to write a paper so that I can go to the International YOU Conference. I think I've done a pretty good job. Have a look-see:
Ring of Virtue
By: Rebecca Williams
Breathing deeply, I closed my eyes, letting the energy flow through me and across my consciousness. I slowly opened my awareness and allowed my pupils adjust to the calming dark, taking my first step into the labyrinth where my fellow leaders were already walking. Pace by pace, stride by stride, I made my way to the center of the sacred weaving path. When finally reaching the internal chamber each newfound YOU leader reached among the glowing candles and burning incense to draw forth a simple necklace. Hanging from each necklace was an inconspicuous flat ring. Upon each ring was written a word of simple wisdom. On my ring was written “Patience”.
I left the room the next morning with that necklace and all its meaning hanging around my neck. I knew that it was the perfect word for me. In my fast paced life of cross-country, marching band, high school honor classes and leadership at my local church I had NO time for patience. All I had time left over for was the occasional nap before I awoke and began my busy day at four a.m. Every thing that I did had to be perfect and thought out. To fail was not only unrecoverable but also unimaginable. Nothing in my life could be flawed. Or at least that is how I wanted life to be…
At the beginning of the school year everything WAS perfect. I was running second on the varsity cross-country team, performing as the percussion field commander of a successful drum line, finding and teaching spirituality in my youth group, maintaining great relationships with all of my friends and making good grades to boot. I even had the energy to smile to everyone as I walked down the halls of my school.
However, as the school year continued on, I started to lose parts of my perfect world. I began to have dizzy spells during cross-country practices and even passed out during one of my races. Half of the drum line failed and were unable to participate and the drum captain, the senior and most important leader, was in a car accident and was unable to march. With all of my busy activities I began to lose focus, not only at home, but in church also. I was unable to keep up with my schoolwork, not to mention the many relationships I had formed through church, athletics, band, and school. It seemed that my perfect world had all but disintegrated into a universe of imperfection and disappointment.
The thing that hit me the hardest was my incapability to make it through a single day without having a dizzy spell. In practice, I could barely run a mile without having to stop and sit down. I couldn’t even carry my twenty-pound drum for thirty minutes without having to take a long break. Something was wrong, really wrong. After I fainted at the Cleburne cross-country meet my parents and my coach made me take a break from running. I was so angry with myself. There was NOTHING I could not do if I pushed hard enough. If I just ignored the dizziness I could make it through practice, I could make it through the day. Its not like it was hurting me, I was just wimping out. That’s all that it was. Yeah right…
After I went to the doctor and had blood tests done I found out I had hypoglycemia. I wasn’t concerned with the actual meaning of the word, I just wanted to know what I had to do to make it better so I could run and play in the band again without fainting. There was no pill, no magic solution. All I had to do was to stop eating sugar. As silly as it seems, that hurt, it hurt a lot. Suddenly I had to quit eating things that I loved and cherished. I had to though, or my hypoglycemia would only get worse.
It had its plus sides though. After a week of eating no sugar I could start running again. So I did what was asked of me and in a week I was out on the track at five forty-five in the morning with the rest of my sleepy team. We ran our warm up lap and I did just fine, keeping up with the fastest of the group just like I used to. Then it was time for the real practice- one mile repeats. I managed the first mile without feeling the slimiest bit queasy, but on my second mile I began to feel the effects the my usual light-headedness. I finished out the second mile and told Coach that I had to take a break. With her signature understanding smile she said okay. After resting for a few minutes I wanted Coach to let me run my last mile, I knew I could do it. She said no. I walked away, angry and disappointed in myself. How could I be doing this? I’m so horrible, so terrible. I suck at cross-country. I can’t even make it through one EASY practice without screwing up and wimping out. I leaned on the fence post and softly cried until the end of practice. Coach thought I was upset with her for not letting me run, but she was wrong. I was the one who was imperfect…
During the time that all of this was happening, I had drifted away from two of my best friends and then drifted right back to their open cyber arms. I had met Analise and Vanessa through my church youth group, the Youth of Unity, or the YOU. Some how we all just happen to meet at Bi-Regi and we clicked wonderfully. Because they live in Austin, the only way for us to communicate was through e-mail. They helped me through the hardest times, helped me to realize that I AM perfect. That though I may not love what is happening to me right now, I must accept it and learn from it, as it is my perfect path to infinite wisdom. They helped me smile again and to remember that I must be patient with myself. I am allowed to make mistakes and I am allowed to not be able. It is who I am, and its okay.
Just last weekend I stood in my YOU room, trading paper hearts with my fellow leaders, old and new. We smiled and hugged and finally put our hearts on the wall for all to see. Then, each with a deep breath reached inside a small satin bag and drew out an inconspicuous flat ring . On my ring was written “Patience”.
I have learned patience for myself, yet there is still more to work on, there is still farther to grow. Patience is a virtue and a difficult one to grasp at that. Lets hope that someday I’ll be able to draw a different ring from that bag of wisdom. I’ll be waiting…
So, yeah, now I'm done. I'm off to church........ To those that actually talk to me, tell me what you think later.................
8:57 AM
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
Hell is a justification for hate, heaven is a justification for love. More later
Anger gets you no where. It only henders, never helps. More later.
I'm a little bit sad today. Analise is leaving to go to the choir trip on Thursday and she's newly decided that she's reducing the amount of time she's spending online. Her grades were falling and she just couldn't handle that stress anymore. I guess its cool, I'm just going to miss those long conversations we always used to have. I mean, thats ALL that we have together........
I guess I'm ok with it. Its what she needs and I want her to be happy. So, its all good............. or it will be.
Driving is fun. I enjoy it alot and I've managed not to hit anything so far.
No one better die. No one better leave, no one better disappear. You know who I'm talking about... And if you don't then, well, you don't happen to be Analise, Celeen, Vanessa, Daniel, Donna, Tim, Josh, Andrew, Amanda, Yvonne, Rose Anne, Kaitlan, Lauren, (and yes) Ricky or one of my other million best friends. *Shakes head* Damn, I have a lot of best friends........ But thats not the point. I'm getting paroniod about losing someone again. I DON'T want to lose anyone. Ever again. I guess thats not possible but still........... Be SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Becca
6:48 AM
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
I'm at school and I've just finished my two section summary that everyone else in the group has been working on for three class periods. I started this morning. *Muahahahahahaha* I love being a procrastonator!!! Well, except spelled right, lol.
I've gotten Josh hooked on alchemy. I LOVE that game.
Sarah told me that I should change my addy for this site because everyone from school is reading it. HAHAHAHAHA. I don't care!!! If you want to know the truth about me then read this. I don't care, I have nothing to hide in the truth.
I find it strange that people have said stuff to Josh about being gay but I haven't gotten any shit about being bi. I wonder how many people know............
Hey!!! I have an idea!!! If you have AIM and you read this, just pop up and tell me!!! My sn is dabopgk and I'm kind of curious how many people read this. So, if you're from Joshua High or if you've randomly stumbled upon this pitiful site give me thirty seconds of your time and tell me what you think. *Sighs* If you're going to try and convert me then I'll talk to you for a few minutes but after that if you continue to harrass me then I'll block you. Lol, I wonder if ANYONE besides Analise, Celeen, Ricky, Vanessa, Tim, and Andrew read this...............
JOSH IS OBSESSED WITH WITH ALCHEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's talking to himself about it lol.
I talked to Sunshine already today!!! I was on sending her an e-mail of kind encouragement and then she popped up!!! It made me soooooooooo happy. It absoultely made my day. Speaking of Analise, Yvonne and Josh decided I have an unhealthy obsession with her........ Lol, like they know what its like to be in love.................
Josh just told me he hates us lifebonded types!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha.......... I guess you would have to read Mercedes Lackey to get that one. Read Magic's Pawn. Its a goooOOOooood book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*SIGHHHHHSSSSS* I'm bored. I should be doing my AP theory homework that was due Friday............. I'm not though!!!
YAYYAYYAYYAYYAYYAYYAYYAYYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Josh is starting to understand Alchemy. I LOOOoooOOOVVE that game..............
Josh needs to be careful with that boy of his............ I just hope he doesn't get caught......................................
Love to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:28 AM
THANK YOU TIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tim tried desperatly last night to try and fix this darned thing. I appreciate it Tim!!! Love you much.
Ricky, if you want me to talk to you, give me some time. No, you don't get credit for giving me time because when I checked my e-mail today I had EIGHT messages from you. Leave me alone, I'm having issues on whether I want to talk to you or not and harrassing my girlfriend and harrassing me is NOT helping. If need be I'll block your e-mail too. For god's sake, leave me alone for a couple days.
I gotta go, I just really got on to address that issue. Love to all.......
Sunshine, feel better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you *smiles and winks*
5:22 AM
Monday, April 22, 2002
*Pouts* No........ I didn't fix it...... I don't know whats up with this site, but if any of you do, please tell me!!! I really wish it would stop doing this crazy elongated thing........
Got my permit today. Drove my mommy places. Didn't hit anyone.........
I need a serious hit of Analiseness.......... I really want to talk to her. I'm going to go to bed soon because I can't concentrate on my homework at night. I can't keep my mind off of her because I know there's a chance of us talking......... Thats a big reason I do my work in the morning, no distractions. Of course it doesn't work to get up at 4 if you went to bed at 12............. I need sleep......... But I need to talk to Sunshine more...............
I have some strange questions for her. I don't quite know why, but all of these crazy things have been popping all up in my head these last couple days......... I'm tired................
ANALISE WHERE ARE YOU?????????????? *sighs* I am pitiful. I guess its weird to need someone this much. I just need to talk to her..........
I'm going to bed at 9:30 if she isn't on by then..........
8:58 PM
Did I fix it??? Did I fix it???
8:50 PM
I think I know why I can't stand my parents. My mom always freaks out over EVERYTHING I do and my dad never gets excited about ANYTHING I do. I can't go to either of them with problems because I'll get one of those two reactions when all I really need is a pat on the back and a "go and get 'em." Yeah, thats my excuse for being rude and talking back to my parents........ Pretty weak, aye? I need to treat them better.......
I feeling relieved about not having to deal with Ricky today. I think I'm talking a long break. A long break.
I am gtting off at 8. I have to get off at 8, to much home work to do. So if you happen to read this and are online at 8, please tell me.
ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I always have something kick ass to write about then I don't remember it when I get online......
Oh, lol, I remembered one..... I think I'm going to stop cussing. I was thinking about it today after three people behind me said gay right in a row. That always pisses me off and makes me mad and offends me terribly. However, if I make no effort to check my language then I have no right to be upset, I would only be being hypocrytical. But then on the other hand, I do not use gay or gay/lesbian/bi slurs in my speech. If I am editing myself (its not a real challenge, I have no need to use those phrases) in that way I do have a right to say something about it. I would not have a right to get on to someone about cussing if I do it myself. Yeah, I'm not going to make a concious effort to stop cussing. Not like I do it all that much in the first place........
I'm sending out psyic signals *Analise...... get online........ Analise........ get online.........NOW!!!*
I miss my girl.................. I don't know how I'm going to make it 33 more days. Darn. 33 days.................
I guess I'll go, I can't think of the other cool stuff I wanted to write about..................
6:40 PM
Ricky- I am now just not talking to you. All that you do is just hurt my feelings and say derogatory things about me and the girl I love. I don't like being around people as negative as you are.
To the rest of the world- I WANT TO LIVE IN AUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Analise and I talked for a long time last night and we decided I was going to come and live in the huge closet shes going to have at her other house. I could fit a twin bed in there and then I could live in Austin and see her every day and be soooooooooo happy. And then I could hug her, and kiss her, and squeeze her all over!!! Lol, I'm silly.
Gotta go, have to do that boring thing we call school......
I love you Analise, you are the Sunshine on my cloudy days, you are the hope when I've lost faith, you are the sparkle in my eyes and the joy in my smile. Thank you.
6:30 AM
Sunday, April 21, 2002
FYI for all of you people out there. I HAVE A GIRL FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's really pretty and really sweet and absolutly gorgeous. She makes me laugh and smile and when she touches me I get those good kind of shivers all up and down my back. And guess what!!!!!!!! I think....... I think.......... No, I know............... I'M IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I asked Sunshine out last night and she said a very enthusiastic YES!!!!!!!!! *smiles* It made me happy......
I gotta go..... I have to go with Josh to pick up his might be boy and get a present for Marlina's b-day. Love to all.......
3:22 PM
Ricky- I unblocked you yesterday but I wasn't online at all besides those three minutes it took to unblock you. Anyways, I'm still mad at you. You're surprised that I took what you said that way!?! Hellllloooooooooooo???????
"I love you... and I want to wait for you... but I want to fuck these other three people while I wait..." That's Becca, a little elaborated... but that's Becca.
Hmmmmmm, how else could a person take that? You can't just go around flinging out these insults and false truths without people getting angry and offended. So what if you put "a little elaborated" next to that damn sentance of lies? Its not "a little elaborated" that is plain, straight out NOT the truth. I haven't kissed ANYONE, I haven't made out with ANYONE, I am not a whore and I am completely faithful to my Analise. Always have been. Always. And by the way, thats NOT an analogy. An analogy is where you compare things, like Josh and I using the sun and Icarus to describe Analise and my relationship a couple months ago. What you did was to embellish a misconception. Not an analogy. Now that we're done with our english lesson..............
Ricky- I am no longer going to sit back and let you treat me and others like crap. I'm sick of it. YES, I understand that you are hurting because Analise is not in love with you anymore. Yes, I understand that. However that does not give you ANY excuse to treat her or any one else involved badly. WE are NOT at fault for your feelings. Analise is NOT at fault for your feelings. YOU are at fault for your feelings. You and only you can control your emotions and only if you chose to. You told me yourself you don't want to change. If you are unwilling to change then you are causing yourself this pain, not Analise, not me, not Celeen or Bob Dole. You have no right to "make them feel like I do, they deserve this pain too." Nope, sorry, they don't, we don't, Analise and Celeen and I don't, deserve to feel any pain. Neither do you. However you are continuing t feel this pain by choice. The rest of us have moved on. I understand that it takes awhile to get over something like this. I HAVE been there before. But what you have to realize is that other people have valid information about what you're going through. LISTEN!!!
Oh, by the way, there's a new lesson that I'm doing- Human beings have basic same emotions from which all feelings are built off of. If we have all of these similar feelings, why is it so hard to accept others?
Must go to church now. Love to all.
Becca
8:33 AM
Saturday, April 20, 2002
ARGH. Parents suck big ass. I can't stand my family!!! I wish I could just leave.........
Yay!!! I'm about to leave!!! I get to go to the iniation, or however you spell that, for new the new Ft. Worth YOU Leadership team. I'm going to be giving up my patience necklace and recieving a new one. Wow, thats scary, I'm giving up my necklace...... I've had it since August...... Through a lot of tough times.... I guess I now have new lessons to learn!!! Love ya much!!!!!!! See you around 9!!!! Bye........
2:28 PM
Friday, April 19, 2002
I am angry. I am very angry. Ricky, I blocked you, and I refuse to unblock you until you tell the world that shit you said about me was not true. Never ever have I said shit like that about you. Never EVER have I spread rumors about you, lied about you, or done anything like that. You've dug your self a deep whole and filled it with feces. Sit in it asshole, cause I'm not digging you out again this time.
I am very, very angry. I want to lash out and say all of the faults I see in the damn boy. I want to state every god damned thing he has ever done or said or commited that was wrong. I'm not going to though. Thats not the way you treat your friends. You don't bash them, even when they deserve. Thats what FRIENDSHIP is about. Some people need to learn that.......
AASsl;kajsd;lfkj;sodifkkdskkdkda;aslkdfja;jfiejknkdakdj;akfjds;lkfja;siejfa;kleja;iypiuzvkcjv;klajsdFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK........
Ok, I feel better. Man, I had a whole bunch of enlightened stuff to write tonight. I've forgotten it in anger......
This girl named Beth saw the picture of Analise that I carry around with me. She said she looked familar, that, in fact, she looks like me. I couldn't help but laugh. Analise and me? Look the same? *Psshaawwww*
Another admirer has been added to my list. A girl, who's name I will not mention because she is not out nor does she wish to be, told me she likes me today. We wrote notes back and forth for awhile and I finally said that she was a nice girl and all but I already have my girl. At that I flashed one of my pics of Sunshine. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings.........
I wish that Yvonne would just smile. She and Rose Anne are fighting, about what I don't know, they won't tell me and thats pissing me off. But Yvonne is love sick over this asshole and she's moving and then there's Rose Anne..... And she just won't smile. It makes me sad when my best friends frown all the time and won't even tell me why....................
Analise, where are you? I want to talk to you Beautiful, I need to talk about everything thats happened..........
I want to be more connected to Celeen and Vanessa. They're both my girls and I barely ever talk to them. If Celeen gets on tonight we're starting our website..........
I'm worried about my boy. I don't know what to do about Josh and his new "boy" that he hasn't met yet. What if his parents find out? What if MY parents found out? Just bad shit for all involved. Damn, I just wish Josh didn't need this so badly.........
I want to make out with Analise!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to hold her against me and kiss her and do all of those wonderful things I can't mention on this. Damn. Damn distance and damn time. I can't stand this any more.......................................... I miss my Sunshine.
Bored? Check this out. Then check out the dancing George Bush. Its awesome.
I'm going to teach a lesson soon. I've got quite an interesting thing planned. Its going to be on intolerance. Intolerance. Not tolerance. Intolerance. Its going to be based upon this quote- "What is not love, is fear and nothing else." It should be quite interesting. In fact I'm going to start writing it out now. Bare with my ruff drafts of ideas.....
"What is not love, is fear and nothing else"
Many times in life we find ourselfs denying, making fun of, or harrassing those that are different. Damn, its already started being something I don't like........
I'm going to talk it out with Analise tonight. I had such a good idea in my head while I was doing the dishes, then I got pissed off..........
Where is everyone?????? No one, out of the 79 people I have on my list are on. Not except for Josh's friends whom I never talk to. Someone, please tell me where all of my friends are when I have to blow off steam!!! Oh wait, you're probably with them too..............................
I'm still looking for god in my life. I'm coming closer to reaching a conclusion every day. It would be nice if I could write about it, but I can't organize my thoughts clearly enough yet.......
6:59 PM
Thursday, April 18, 2002
"I'm so tired of playing this game"
I just wish that this would stop. I'm sick of people missunderstanding me, taking things I said in a way I didn't mean them. Oh well.......
I miss my girl. I need her so badly. I just wish I had the chance to hold and kiss her, I know that she wants it too, that we both do and we can't have it. Shes my baby girl, my every hope and dream come true. Why does life make it so hard for us to be in love? Shit has been thrown at us from all directions. We've made it through some how though, stronger than ever. God I just love hearing her voice. Even listening to her do history homework, helping her do history homework. I love that girl. With my heart and my soul.......
Have you ever watched someone's are while they were writing? It is a quite an amazing thing. I watched Josh's arm muscles while we were writing notes in math, it rather intrigued me........
Its amazing how humans can deal with so much pain and still function. I still can't believe I made good grades even while Analise didn't want to talk to me. My soul was being ripped to shreds but I still managed to do math. How strange..............
"The whole world is fucking blind!!!" A quote from myself from the Disney trip. I was on medication and I was being quite crabby. Jessica Hernandez was pissing me off because she was saying gay and stuff like that so I told her to shut up. Later she asked me why I was mad, she was just playing around with Reilly, he isn't really stupid. I said thats not it, thats not what I'm mad about. *Side note* This girl had been sitting infront of me on the bus for the majority of the trip, I talk about Analise continously and I even had a photo of her pinned up against my seat. I had even gotten on to other people about saying gay five minutes ago. She couldn't figure out what I was mad about. So I said, in my angry, medicated way, "The whole world is fucking blind!!!" I then promptly fell asleep. I can't believe that everyone in band doesn't know I'm bi, I mean, damn, I thought rumors flew faster than that and that the people in band were semi intelligent. I thought they would have figured it out by now........... I thought the world would have.........
I saw someone with pretty eyes today......... I can't remeber who now, they just had pretty eyes...........
I thought about how everyone says I walk funny. I can't remember how Analise walks. I wonder how much she's changed in six months. I mean, gosh, I've grown an inch, gotten glasses, changed my style of dress some, grown long nails, pretty ones at that lol, my hairs longer too........ God only knows how she's changed. Not that it matters, I would love her if she was 7'8" with spiked hair and only four teeth. However, she happens to be the most gorgeous being to ever walk upon this earth. She is my angel in this almost constant hellish existance. She is my girl, what more can be said?
I want to make out with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, I want to hold her, to kiss her, to run my fingers through her hair..................... Distance sucks. Time sucks. 300 miles suck. ARGH...........
36 days. 36 days and I will see her and spin with her and kiss her and love her for the first time ever in person. How scary..... how tantilizing........... how long do I have to wait again? 36. 36 days........
I'm so tired......... I need to sleeppppppppppp................. I can't though, Ricky needs me.......... Analise says I'm to nice, just in general........ I don't know, maybe, I guess......................
Will someone pretend to be Analise and make out with me? Hell, just switch spots with her for thirty minutes, I swear I'll make it worth your while. I just need to see my girl......................
How do you display love through distance? The most perfect, the most pure way to show it is with the tender kiss, how do you do that through three hundred miles of wire? Poetry? I do that. Love notes? I do that. Blowing and catching of kisses? We do that. Calling just to hear her voice for thirty seconds? I do that, ALL the time. I want to show more, to express it better. I just don't know how to.......
Are You In
Incubus
It’s so much better
When everyone is in
Are you in?
It’s so much better
When everyone is in
Are you in?
Oooooh oooooh
Are you in?
Youuuuuu ooooh
Are you in?
It’s so much better
When everyone is in
Are you in?
It’s so much easier
When sea foam green is in fashion
Yooouuuhhhh yooouuuooh
Are you in?
Yooouuuuh oooh oooh ooh
Are you in?
Well, tell me, are you in?
10:23 PM
First of all Ricky, kudos for standing up for yourself. We'll see if you'll stick to your guns this time. Second of all, I have NO relationships with any other girls besides Analise and the relationship with Analise is undefined. If it were up to me Analise and I would be going out. However that is not what is best for the both of us so we have chosen to simply be in love with no strings attached. ONE time did I freak out about a guy flirting with her and that was because the night before she told me that she might not love me. But if you will remember I have loved her and have been continous in my love since day one. She has no reason to doubt my love for her, nor do you or the rest of the world. I have stayed true through a butt load of shit, so don't start there. Next, that is between her and me. YOU are not involved in Analise's and my relationship. What we do is personal and you are not invited nor involved, stop trying to push your way in. Our love is betweem TWO not THREE and I know for a fact that I don't want you involved. Can't say the same for Sunshine, thats her own choice. I NEVER EVER said I wanted to kill anyone. Yes I do get jealous, though I hold her love I do get jealous. But only because those people are able to do those things with her, they are able to flirt, to touch, to plausibly think about kissing. I on the other hand am not able to do that. I have to flirt online with *pokes* and *smiles*. That is fun, extremly fun, but I would rather be able to touch her when I smile, to tickle her when I poke and to kiss her whenever we get the chance. I don't "fuck" anyone. I haven't kissed a person, that actually meant anything to me, since the summer before eighth grade. Yes, several people have pecked me since then but they didn't mean anything, nor did expect them, nor did I really want them. "Love requires both sides, not just Analise's" HELLLLLLOOOOO Ricky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever been aware of all that I do for her. NO. And I don't have to justify it to you, and I will not. I have every right to be sick of you. All you do is complain to me, all you do is push me away and say that the things I say are automaticly wrong. If you LISTENED to me maybe you could learn something. I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen to me damn it, I KNOW what I'm talking about. Yeah, now when I ask you questions you don't answer them, not my fault. No its not all of your fault, I am just really sick of taking your shit so I don't want to talk to you, so no its not all of your fault, I've stopped making an effort because all you ever do is blow me off. We don't care about your opinions of our love, so don't even try to comment. We will make our decisons, you will make yours. No it is not wrong for you to be hurt that Analise and I are together. No it is not wrong for you to not want us to be together. Jealosy is part of life. It is not a good part or a wonderful part or a part that we should try to preserve, but it is a part of life. It might be unhealthy for you to not want Analise and I to be together, but it is not wrong. All and all Ricky, I do love you. You are a great guy when you aren't ignoring me or screaming at me. We have a couple choices now. We can try to push through this and ignore what was said on both of our bloggers, we can try and push throught this and deal with what was said, we can stop talking and ignore each other or we can talk sparingly and wait until another fight breaks out. You pick. I am open to either or though if I had to pick I would pick the second. The second WILL be a pain the ass but will end us up having a better relationship, if we have one at all. Good job sticking to your guns and keep it up, though don't hold on to long if you're wrong.
Analise, I'm going to call you tonight, I missed talking to you last night. I really miss your voice. I love you sweetheart.
Celeen, you can talk to me anytime, about anything. Love you much.
Vanessa, where are you??? Lol, we haven't talked in days. I was told your choir did well *clap*clap*clap* Except that one isn't sarcastic kik.
Tim, where are you??? I haven't even had news of you.......... Come back..........
Love to all, even stinky boys like Ricky. Stinky boys aren't good for me in relationships, but at least they're still good as friends..........
6:14 AM
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Three, two, three on stage, straight ones on sight reading. Does that seem a little backwards to anyone else? *rolls eyes* I swear, Joshua can not do anything right..........
I'm really tired, just kind of exhausted. When I got home today I got in the massage chair to, well, get a massage. I put my headphones on and I fell to sleep right away. After my little bro turned up the tv to loud I got up and walked to my parents room and feel asleep there. I slept for like two and a half hours before Josh called and I went down to his house. Hung out there, talked about the possiblity of meeting his "boy" on Sunday, came home. I'm tired......
I was thinking at band practice today about me and Analise. We are quite a couple, quite a catch seperatly. We are both always talking to each other about boys (mostly her) and girls (both of us) that hit on us, that want to date us. I have Ollie (who by the way just got a girl friend!!!! GO OLLIE!!!!!)(lol, she still likes me and wants to date but now we're BOTH restricted, haha.) Kyle, Chris, and three or four girls that keep talking to me on the internet. Analise has Ricky, Micheal or David lol, I can't remeber which, some girl who hit on her during class, and several other admirers that I can't mention. We're both nice, funny, smart, sweet girls. She is amazing beautiful and I am somewhere in the pretty range. She dresses perfectly for the sweet, femme bi girl and I dress right down the middle just like the almost butchy girl I am. It seems funny to me that all of these people started liking us right when we hooked up, or kind of hooked up. I mean we don't have a distinct labeled relationship, we just know we love each other and thats working out wonderfully. I love loving her.
Now, to sound like I'm contradicting myself, though I'm really not, I really want to make out with Yvonne. By the way, I don't feel as if I have portrayed her or Rose Anne fairly. Neither of these girls have any homosexual tendencies in any way at all. The times that I talked about "almost" kissing Yvonne were nothing but me thinking about it a whole bunch in my head, she took no actions and probably didn't even realize that I wanted to. Anyways, today after we got back from playing, all the people who didn't go back to class and didn't have cars were hanging out in the band hall. I had just layed down and I was going to try to sleep when she layed her head on my thigh. She talked about her boy trouble, damn Richard, I should have never ever let her date him, and talked about her and Rose Anne drifting apart. She was a little bit upset so I kind of petted her hair. Then she took it out of the pony tail and asked me to play with it. So I did. And I was sitting up so that I could and our faces were only like a foot apart and *sighs*. I thought about bi-regi when Analise had done the same thing and I was fighting a war between the wants of society and the wants of my heart.... Anyways, I started talking and trying to help her with her problems and in the middle of one of my sentences she said, "I'm not listening to you, I'm falling asleep, but keep talking." That pissed me off, even though now that I think about it, it seems silly, but anyways...... So I stopped talking and I stopped petting her hair and I layed down. She sighed and then rolled over to get a piece of paper from Trent and I rolled over and talked to her while she was sketching. Our heads were all of six inches apart. Damn. I wanted to kiss her soooooooo bad. I probably would have if it wasn't for the bell. I was literally saved by the bell... Now don't get me wrong, I do love Analise, I'm just craving a kiss badly. Or touch. Or a *sexual* hug. If only Analise and I lived closer to each other everything would be perfect. She could fill all my needs completely and quite willing too I believe.........
Josh Mize is trying out for drum major. Grrrrrrrrrr...... I wouldn't be to scared because he's not a very assertive guy but, and this is a big but, he can no longer march. He hurt his ankle and for some reason or another he can't march. He's a trombone and we desperatly need him on the field but if he can't march........... No offence to Josh but if Foster made him drum major it would be a big mistake. I have known the guy since 7th grade and he has just started talking to me in the past three days. Its not like I haven't tried to talk to him before, its like he is so amazingly quite and shy. He barely ever talks above a soft whisper. Argh. I better get drum major. I downloaded the song I want to direct and I'm going to go through it three times a day until try outs, get all of the cues. I better get drum major.
Do you ever just not want to deal with someone, or with some problem? Yeah you do. I don't want to deal with Ricky. He refuses to listen to me. Every time I offer him help he shoots me down and ignores me. I know what I'm talking about damn it!!! Hellllllooooooo, was I not in his postion only two months ago? Yeah, I was.
I'm sorry I'm such an asshole... all the time. I don't wanna stop being friends... please try to deal with me... I need you right now... and it's not that I'm negative all of the time... it's just that you never talk to me when I'm not. Please try and be there for me... don't get frusterated... remember what we used to have and remember that I'm your friend and right now I need you more than ever before... you to talk to me online... you to talk to me period... and if you can't forgive me then I'll understand completely... and I'll not talk to you ever again... I love you... I miss talking to you already.
-Ricky
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He never defends himself. He never sticks up for himself. Even when he's right, though he's not now, he never sticks to it. I would like for just once him to stick to his guns for at least a little while, even if he's wrong. Another thing, he expects me to carry on the ENTIRE conversation.
and it's not that I'm negative all of the time... it's just that you never talk to me when I'm not
I TRY to talk to him. I put out things for conversation. He goes yeah. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
If I'm going to be there for him he should at least listen to me damn it. I don't help people who don't want help or reject everything I say and thats what he's doing. Ricky, STOP BEING SO DAMNED NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand where you are at. I DO. Start listening to me and stop mentioning all of those negative things like sucide and drinking and death and depression and all of that negativeness. Yes, I do realize you feel like shit but if you continue to mention those things and keep them in your conciousness then all you're doing is hurting yourself. Realize that. And stop mentioning sucide. Everyone, including you, knows that is something I am not able to deal with very well. Stop.
Speaking of suicide, I sat in the spot with Josh a couple weeks ago. He was walking me home from his house and I looked at it and just decided to do it. I had him sit next to me and I pointed out the constilations and talked about Sonya. It lasted for all of thirty seconds, thats all I could take, before I stood up and hugged him and told him good night. I was ok on the outside, shaking on the inside. I'm gonna try again sometime.........
I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm calling Analise and going to bed......................
9:47 PM
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
Wow, long time, no write....... Oh where, oh where to start.............
Disney World was great!!! I had a real blast, aside from getting sick on Friday. I stunk at the actual concert because I was on drugs from being sick but besides Friday morning it was awesome!!! Guess who all of my friends got tired of me talking about? Analise silly!!! It got to the point that everytime I would say I was going to use the phone they would roll their eyes and call me silly. It was great.
On Sunday the bus got home early so I made it to church. For once not a good experince. Not even a decent experince. More like a horrible experince. Yeah, so, anyways, a couple of adults were doing the lesson and they were having us write down things that were on on our minds a lot and then we were going to tape them to various things of various weights. You would put something you thought about a lot on something heavy and something you thought about some on something lighter, etc. So one of the things that is on my mind the most is my sexuality. Not like trying to decide if I'm bi or not, I am positive I am, but thinking about the morality and such of it. So, thinking that I could be myself at church, I wrote down sexuality and taped it to a heavy block of wood. I then proceeded to position the block so you couldn't see my paper unless you picked it up. This guy named CJ picked it up and started showing people and making fun of it. A girl who I don't really know said, "There better not be anyone here with problems with sexuality." I just kind of sat there in silence. My mind was racing a million miles an hour and I was trying to decide how to feel. Angry, depressed, offended, sad, lonely, furious, all of them, none of them... After I decided to feel hurt I grabbed my purse and left the room. I went outside and sat under a tree by myself for like twenty minutes trying to get enough courage to go back to class. I finally decided that I had to find strength within myself and that because I am part of god I have infinant strength. So upon remembering that I filled myself with strength and went back to class. I was fine until we were about to say the closing prayer and Matt said a derogative statement about gays. That was the last straw. I stood there for the prayer almost crying and as soon as it was done I turned and raced out the doors. Sarah followed me and asked me what was wrong. I told her and broke down crying while she hugged me. Then she and Shands and I went to one of the unused classrooms upstairs and talked for awhile. They made me feel a lot better. Then Cheryl and my mom came in and I had to tell them the whole story again. It hurt. I was really really hurting and I'm even kind of stunned now. I mean, I thought I was safe there. I thought that church was a place where no one would be made fun of for their ideas and feelings. It hurt. A lot.
After church Josh came over and secretly checked his e-mail. Guess what??? A BOY HAD WRITTEN HIM!!!!!!!! A boy from Joshua. A gay boy from Joshua. He had found Josh on Gay.com and he had been e-mailing him nonstop for like ten days!!! We were both very excited.
I stayed up late talking to Analise even though I was extremly tired from the bus ride and I was still sick. Lol, she was even telling me to go to bed but I refused to; I had missed her to much in the last week...
I woke up at 2:30 Monday morning to do my scrapbook for English. I finished it at 7:20 and I missed drivers ed.
Went to school, found out that the percussionist were now playing with both the Concert and Symphonic bands, got my music for Concert band, went to the rest of my classes. Then I did the whole band practice after school thing and then I came home. Talked to Analise and Mikey (Josh's new "friend) for a couple hours and then I went to bed at ten.
Today I woke up and went to drivers ed. After that I went to first period where I gave Josh the disk that I had saved Mikey's pics on and the convo I had with him last night. He saw one of the pics and read the convo in first period because we were in the computer lab. He was so happy and giddy!!!!!!!! It made me sooooooooo happy for him. He needs a good boy to keep him sane. By the way, I talked to Mikey for two hours last night and he is a good boy!!! On a side note, Mikey is gay and his best friend is a girl named Shannon who is bi. Josh is gay and his best friend is bi. *psssssstttttt*Josh's best friend is me* Mikey wants to hook me up with Shannon but I told him that I'm taken by my Austin girl. Oh, by the way, Mikey is home schooled so Josh hasn't met him yet. Anyways, back to me. Then I left class to go to UIL Concert band and we ate a CiCi's before we played. I got a temporary tattoo with the rest of the girls and put it on my arm. It's pretty cool. We then played and then went home. We got straight 3's in concert and 2's in sight reading. Went to class and talked to a giddy Josh about Mikey, went to Symphonic band practice, came home, now I'm here. I'm really tired. Really sick. Really drowsy. I'm gonna go to bed soon.........
Analise is wonderful. She is amazing and gorgeous and beautiful and the most inspiring person I have evere met in my entire life. She makes me laugh and giggle and dream and hope and learn and grow and love. She lets me love her. She lets me say silly things and then she laughs at them. She smiles for me even though I can't see her smiles. She laughs even though I can't hear her laughs. She loves even though I'm three hundred miles away. Somethings in my life are bigger blessings then I deserve. She is definatly one of them.
Love to all, night.
9:31 PM
Monday, April 08, 2002
DDIISSNNEEYY WWOORRLLDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be back in a week, love to all.
Becca
P.S. *psshhhtttt* Analise, I got 'em!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:33 AM
Sunday, April 07, 2002
Piece of Soul
Analise's Blogger
Celeen's Blogger
Ricky's Blogger
Crazy Beautiful
6:45 PM
dabopgk: sorry beautiful
dabopgk: computers are stinky
FaithfulAngel04: yeah
dabopgk: so how are you?
FaithfulAngel04: im good
dabopgk: good to hear
FaithfulAngel04: how bout you
dabopgk: ditto
FaithfulAngel04: how was church today?
dabopgk: it was good
FaithfulAngel04: fun stuff
FaithfulAngel04: i thought about you
FaithfulAngel04: haha
dabopgk: chris was supposed to be doing the lesson but he wasn't really prepared so i had to do it
FaithfulAngel04: it ws kinda funnya cctually
FaithfulAngel04: HOW FUN!!!
dabopgk: why did you think about me dear?
dabopgk: yeah, it was great, like seriously
FaithfulAngel04: well we have all these little heart pillows from heart talk at adult rally. anyways we were doing a meditaiton and we were lying on the floor. I had a pillow uynder my head and celeen was lying on my belly. After we got up she wacked me with a pillow. and then i grabed two pillows and we had a pillow fight and then she started tickling me and i surrendered. i had a dream exatly like that but it was you not celeen
FaithfulAngel04: haha
dabopgk: that would be fun lol
FaithfulAngel04: it was
dabopgk: *tickles*
FaithfulAngel04: justin kept throwing me pillows to hit her with too
FaithfulAngel04: hee hee
dabopgk: haha, awesome babe
dabopgk: i don't know this justin, does he go to rally?
FaithfulAngel04: no, ithink hes going to service though
FaithfulAngel04: im not positive though
FaithfulAngel04: HES SOOOOOOOOOOO cute
FaithfulAngel04: hes really nice too
dabopgk: ok, so thats why i don't know him, i know the ENTIRE chapter lol
dabopgk: thats cool
dabopgk: hahaha
FaithfulAngel04: haha
dabopgk: sorry, randomness
dabopgk: *pokes*
FaithfulAngel04: riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
FaithfulAngel04: *tee hee*
dabopgk: *smiles*
dabopgk: *flirts*
FaithfulAngel04: i love you
dabopgk: i love you too babe
dabopgk: *smiles REALLY BIG and pretty*
dabopgk: yay, i'm happy
FaithfulAngel04: hug!!!!!!!!!
dabopgk: are you happy?
dabopgk: *hugs back*
FaithfulAngel04: i love you when youre happy
FaithfulAngel04: i love you all the time though so thats beside the point
FaithfulAngel04: yeah, i am.
dabopgk: haha, i was about to say lol
dabopgk: yay!!!
dabopgk: i like it when you're happy......
dabopgk: *pokes again*
FaithfulAngel04: *oh thats it, you waged war* *poke**poke**poke**poke**poke**poke**poke*
FaithfulAngel04: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH
dabopgk: *pins down and tickles sunshine*
FaithfulAngel04: *AHHHHHHHHHHHH*
FaithfulAngel04: *ok, you win*
dabopgk: *smiles*
dabopgk: *flirts again*
dabopgk: *thinks about kissing.......*
FaithfulAngel04: leans forward, kisses my girl
dabopgk: yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dabopgk: *hugs and twirls in circle with beautiful*
FaithfulAngel04: hee hee
FaithfulAngel04: we're such dorks!!!!!
dabopgk: yeah, but its fun!!!!!!!!!!
dabopgk: i'm still smiling REALLLLLLLYYYYY BIG
dabopgk: and laughing
FaithfulAngel04: i wish i could see your face right now
dabopgk: i wish i could see your face to babe......
dabopgk: i bet you're smiling really big and pretty too lol
FaithfulAngel04: OF COURSE I AM!!!
dabopgk: yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dabopgk: i love you
dabopgk: i'm so glad we're ok now!!!
dabopgk: *debates poking again*
dabopgk: *thinks some more*
FaithfulAngel04: thank you for loving me
dabopgk: *flirts instead*
dabopgk: thank you for letting me love you
dabopgk: cause you're wonderful and amazing and perfect
FaithfulAngel04: thanks for seeing me that way
FaithfulAngel04: i feel special
dabopgk: and i don't really think i deserve some one as special as you
dabopgk: lol
dabopgk: you ARE special sunshine
FaithfulAngel04: you are so beautiful and so loving you deserve three times as much as me!!!!
dabopgk: i don't think there is anything better than you
dabopgk: welllllll, maybe chocolate
dabopgk: lol JUST KIDDING
dabopgk: you are WAYYYYY better than chocolate
FaithfulAngel04: very true
dabopgk: *giggles*
FaithfulAngel04: lol
FaithfulAngel04: wrong box
dabopgk: oic lol
FaithfulAngel04: haha
FaithfulAngel04: but it fits!@!!!
dabopgk: haha, amen ta dat
dabopgk: *hugs sunshine from behind and whispers amazingly sweet things in her ear*
dabopgk: kik
dabopgk: i only wish......
FaithfulAngel04: i love you babe
FaithfulAngel04: i have to go helpw ith dinner
dabopgk: ok
FaithfulAngel04: ill be bakc in a while
FaithfulAngel04: i love you
dabopgk: okey dokey
dabopgk: love you too beautiful
FaithfulAngel04: you are the birds in my sunshiny world
dabopgk: bye sunshine
FaithfulAngel04: haaha that was cheesy
dabopgk: it was but it made me feel special!!!
FaithfulAngel04 signed off at 6:12:57 PM.
4:10 PM
*psssssssttttttt* The blog below this one was published yesterday but for some reason didn't show up....... Enjoy!!!
3:08 PM
Saturday, April 06, 2002
*Sighs long, deeply, and with great relief* Last night was hell. Pure hell. Analise told me she didn't love me anymore. And I went into that whole shock thing again where I shake and rock back and forth while hugging my knees. It hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe part of the time, I guess thats my new nervous hurt thing. Shaking, rocking, hugging my knees and not breathing. Lol. How horrible!!! Yeah, so, anyways, we were talking online so when she went to get off I asked if I could call her. And she said I could and we talked. Well kind of talked. For the first hour or so it was just that semi-silence that happens when you're talking on the phone and you're upset with them. Finally I just broke down and started crying. You know, one of those horrible sobbing crys you don't want ANYONE to hear you do. Yeah those. It felt good though, to get it out. I haven't really cried in a long time... Anyways, we were silent for awhile after that and then we started laughing and joking about things. Bob Dole, his flying monkeys, Albanian monkey hunters, algebra, english, history, chemistry. She's oxygen and I'm hydrogen. Hehe. No idea why or how we made that up, but we did. We laughed and joked and talked about her and me without getting really emotional. I made up some dumb analogies that made her laugh. And by the end of the night she told me she loves me. Like, in love with me. And at that point my entire body relaxed, ungripped, untenesed. It felt good inside and out. I couldn't do without her, not really. I mean I could live, and I could have relationships with others, but every single moment they were in my arms I would be wishing they were her. I don't look at anyone without thinking of Analise. Ever. Well, only when I'm looking in a sexual way lol. I don't look at my chemistry teacher and think that he reminds me of Analise. Hahaha,. sorry, I found that funny...........
People are wonderful. Especially people from Austin. Especially Tim and Celeen and Ricky and Vanessa and Analise. Tim, thanks for not getting mad at me last night for not talking to you. All the shit was hitting the fan at that moment and I had to concentrate on Analise. Thanks for being there for me just like you always are. Celeen, thanks for stating the obvious that I didn't see in your blogger. You are such an insightful person. More on her blogger later. Ricky, thank you for helping me last night. Yeah, you frusterated me today but it happens. Love you babe. Vanessa, thanks for all the laughs and giggles and silly things that make me laugh and feel good. Analise, thanks for listening to me last night. I know that sometimes I am not the easiest person to be patient with, but you were and I am truly grateful. Love to you all.
About Celeen's blogger, read it and then I'll comment-
One thing I'vew been thinking lately is about love. This past week, I haven't felt much difference between my romantic and friend type loves. Beca made me realize that. She wants Analise to love her romantically, "in that way", and Analise already loves her to no imaginable extent; Becca just doesn't know that for some reason. I tihnk her self esteem is very low, and this is the way she deals with it. Becca doesn't see lisie every day, so she doesn't know how often she talks about her, and how much she loves her, so she then feels bad about herself, because if Analise doesn't love her than there must be something wrong with herself, and not Analise(because she loves her- Becca loves Analiose that is), and then she interrogates Analise about it and Analise gets freaked out about making promises she can't keep, because I tihnk she really does love Becca, she just isn't sure, and she doesn't want to hurt her if("when") she decides she doesn't REALLY love her, and it's just a big juvenile mess of non-developed minds, including my own poo taxed incapacitated brain. *sigh* People this young shouldn't have to deal with that.
Now my comments- I have low self esteem...... BUT, only in some areas of my life. Soccer, band, school, intelligence, I know that I'm awesome. I kick ass at soccer, lay down sweet beats in band, I do well in school, and I'm pretty damn smart when I want to be. Now, when it comes to close relationships with someone I really care about, well, I suck big time. I do stupid stuff and whats worth is I'm extremly unsure about myself when I do them. I am so nervous and uptight around Analise that I'm not acting like me, like the real Becca. I am so afraid of losing Analise, though I've never really had her. I mean, we have never REALLY been together for an extend period of time. But thats beside the point...... anyways..... Analise does really love me. I realize tht now. I just need to stop pushing, stop trying so hard. And I'm going to TRY to stop TRYING lol. Analise and I both thought that was funny. Yeah.
So Analise loves me but doesn't want any kind of relationship or commetment right now. Ok........ I can do that, just as long as she loves me...............................
6:56 PM
Friday, April 05, 2002
Love and attraction are sooooo frusterating. No body better touch my stomach!!!!!!!!! I don't think I could take liking one more person. Or loving one more person. Today, in the hall during school, I did something I useually don't do. I checked someone out. A GIRL out. I usually don't look at people I don't think would want me to. Today I didn't care. She was walking in front of me. Beautiful shape, beautiful curves...... a really nice butt... I mean a REALLY nice butt. And then you know what I did??? I thought about Analise and I compared her butt to the girls butt. No matter what I do I can't keep her out of my mind. *Smiles* I'm sure none of you want to know this, but Analise's butt is better... Lol, its funny that I can even remember what Sunshine looks like at all. Five months since I've last seen her, and not a single week that we haven't been in conflict. Thats amazing. How can I still love her like I do when all we do is disagree??? How do I do this? Why? Now the possible answers-
1. I have a need to be obsessive compolsive about someone else. I am not happy with myself unless I can make someone else happy. She is a person whom for a time I made extremly happy. Now that I think about it I was obsessive compolsive about Donna before Analise, and befor Donna my friend Lacey. Not in a sexual way though, for either of them, though at my first rally I did check Donna out. That scared me, I didn't know I was bi. But anyways, maybe she is just someone who I have latched on to and I am using this damn obsessive compolsiveness as "love."
2. I really truly do love her. She is truly the only person for me and having realized this I have devoted myself to trying to make us be together, but alas, only causing more problems in my bumbleheaded way.
3. She's a crush blown out of proportion, WAY out of proportion. A good friend + a crush = love OR disaster. Not always a good mixture.
I don't know...............
I'm kissing Ollie this weekend. I am sick and tired of being lonely and of not having someone to hold or someone to hold me. I will probably kiss her and then I'll probably cry. I feel like crying now. Analise isn't even sure if she loves me anymore. God that hurts. But I am doing a good job of not letting it upset me to much, I mean I had a great school day. Laughing and joking. Avoiding thinking.......... I miss her so much, and I need her so much. And she knows. I wouldn't be surprised if it annoys her, I would annoy me....... No I wouldn't. I would love to have some that needs me as much as I need her. And maybe she does need me that much. I don't think so though, at least not right now. She needs some time to work on herself. I understand that. I just wish she would tell me whats going on, whats wrong, so that I can help. Maybe she doesn't need/want my help. Thats cool, I guess. She just needs to do what she needs to do. Maybe I should just let go of this. I mean, I might not be able to for a long time, but I could start trying. Maybe it would be best for the both of us. She wouldn't have to worry about hurting my feelings while working on herself, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. Not this empty lonely feeling. I could cuddle and hug Ollie. I could feel her against me. I could kiss her and close my eyes........ and wish she was Analise..... Damn. Analise, move to Joshua. NOW. I need her. I need someone. Something. A robot maybe. Just something that I can hold and kiss and look into its eyes. Something that can wipe my tears, my fears away. Something that I can feel. Feel. Touch. Caress. Kiss. Hug. Its been so, so long now. This emptiness is not making me a better person. It makes me quite crabby actually sometimes. I am quite crabby sometimes. I get upset over stupid little stuff. When I'm already upset mentally, its easy to be mad about some damn picture I can't figure out. About a 95 instead of a 100 on a project I didn't work that hard on. I think I need to cry. To cleanse this feeling, to release it through tears. Tears on a rock face. I don't have to be strong ALL the time. Ha, I've got the big guy mentality. I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR THEM, THEY CAN'T BE STRONG WITHOUT ME. *GRUNTS* ME, BIG STRONG, ME OK Now I just need someones shoulder to cry on....... Josh has enough shit..... Analise lives three hours away....... Vanessa does too........ Marlina doesn't understand........ Ollie isn't close enough to me yet........ My mom would send me to therapy............ Maybe Shands..... But by the time I see him I'll have become my STRONGER self again...... I can already feel it coming............................
Yvonne needs to stop wearing her hair down. And standing so close to me. And smiling at me. And giving me hugs. Damn...........
NO TOUCHING MY STOMACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn you all. Everyone keeps turning me on. Making me feel something that I CAN'T act on because of consequences. I kiss Josh, he weirds out, we don't talk for two weeks. I kiss Yvonne or Rose or Kaitlan or Misty, they slap me and walk away never to talk again. I kiss Ollie I hurt me, I hurt her, I hurt Analise. I kiss Analise............ Yeah right, don't dwell on dreams stupid.......... I hug myself and continue on this life alone.............. I'm hurt. In pain and in sorrow. Never crying the tears that well up in my eyes......... Everyone else is ok. Sounds, *sighs* great to me. At least on not hurting them...... I can't stand to hurt the people I love. I guess I don't love myself then. I continoulsy hurt myself by bowing out to their wills. By not acting on what I'm feeling, sexually and mentally and physically. If it'll help them to have my lunch money, hell, why not give it to them? Damn. No lunch money for tomorrow....... Thats ok!!!!!! They're happy.......... Yeah, thats happened before. Not to often, I like my food. But, apply it to the rest of my life....... Yeah, thats me. Give, give, give, give. Recieve, recieve, recieve, recieve. I do my fair share of both. I get a lot from those around me. Sometimes I need more though.........
I want to give you
Whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
Whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it within me?
Is it? Can I? Can you? Can we? What now? Yes or no? Later? Now? Maybe? Where? No? Yes? Maybe............
God damn questions...................
5:16 PM
Wednesday, April 03, 2002
Ender Will Save Us All
Dashboard Confessional
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.
Again I Go Unoticed
Dashboard Confessionals
So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?
Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
wont be the only way you'll look at me then.
If you didn't really read those songs, go back and do it now!!! Both good songs, both partially how I'm feeling......... I just want a night where I am the only thing that matters. No tv, no coloring, no painting, no computer and NO homework. Just Becca. I want to matter that much. *Sighs* Maybe I just love her more. Maybe I can just show it better. Maybe I'm not really good at showing it, I'm just really annoying with it and she doesn't want to annoy me. Maybe I'm a really needy... Maybe? Pssshaw. I know that last one is true. I just want to all that matters at one point in her life. Maybe that point has already passed... I don't know. I love her. I do. But god, how much can I take? How far can I push? Even a rock crumbles, even a falcon falls, even Becca has a breaking point.......
Yeah............... I'm done.
5:16 PM
I never said you weren't good enough. I never said I don't love you. I never said that your sorrys mean nothing. All I said was you hurt my feelings when you picked homework over me. I'm sorry I'm so sensative. Sorry I have feelings and that I love you so much. Think about this Analise, if you weren't good enough would I have fucked around waiting for you for 6 months? If you aren't good enough why am I not with Ollie? If you aren't good enough why the hell did I decide I'm bi-sexual??? I love you with my heart and soul girl, but damn, I don't even know what to say. How would you feel if you weren't able to talk to me for three days and then when you finally could I was like, nope I'm going to go read. What am I more important than? Where do I stand in your life, in your order of importance? Because if I'm behind homework.......... well......... fuck........ I'll just put up with it, because I love you. I'll just accept whatever you need to do because I love you. I'll wait, again, until you are ready to talk to me. Fine. I can do that. I won't be happy doing that, and I'll probably be hurt by doing that but I love you. And you matter more. Fuck...
By the way, she does get brownie points for getting back on, I mean she did come back after all. Doesn't mean the first time didn't hurt..............
5:29 AM
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
Damn it. I broke my leg today. Josh and I were having one of our tickle fights in the hall and I tripped over someones bag. When I fell my ankle locked but the bone above it broke. Now I have to wear this stinkin' cast for eight weeks and I can't go swimming or do anything at Disney World. And the worst... the doctor says I might not be able to run anymore... I think I'm going to cry. I hope I can still play goalie, thats all that matters now. I mean, I don't have to run all that much, do I? Fuck..........
LATE APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I know, its lame, but I HAD to do something!!! Lol.
Yeah, so, anyways, a lot has happened in the last couple days. So the last time I posted was Saturday and I was in a deep blue funk. Getting upset over silly stuff... *Rolls eyes at self* Sometimes I am such a drama queen!!!
So, by Sunday I had decided that I would wait it all out for Analise. For when we could be together. So I get to church and it was Easter Sunday so the YOU (Youth Of Unity) was in the santuary. I was up in the balcony with the rest of the YOU when Ollie comes up the stairs with her dad. I've never met her dad before, remember that. So here I am in an uncomfortable positon, shaking her dads hand, making small talk before the service. Her dad knows shes a lesbian and is completely cool about it. I even think they were talking about me as they were coming up the stairs. Talk about pressure!!! We sat next to each other and she kept moving closer to me and touching her leg to mine. And she is so damn sexy. I don't know what it is about her, I mean she has the basic body shape that I like, but she wears kind of baggy shorts that go to her knees and these shirts that are tight, but not tight and damn. I like them. Alot. So we're sitting there "listening" to the sermon and the entire time all I could think about was the girl that was touching me and the girl who has my heart. And I moved away from Ollie. And I needed to. I love Analise and I'll wait if she will. Maybe if she won't. Anyways, it got the the point in the sermon where you're supposed to greet everyone around you. So I'm giving everyone around me hugs and then I turn to her and she hugs me and leaves one arm on my upper back and puts her other hand on my stomach. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Alarms going off, and not good alarms for church, let me tell you. *psshhhhtttt* Just a tip, if you want to date me, touch my stomach. Yikes. Then we go to sing the Peace song and we're holding hands because you hold hands with everyone. And yeah, we were holding hands but not like couple holding hands with the fingers intwined. I think I spelled that wrong..... Oh well!!! So the service is over and her dad goes to get the car while she and I talk for awhile. So I walk her to where her dad is picking her up and when he drives up she gives me a lingering hug and then holds my hand as she walks away. Damn girl. Once again, alarms ringing all in my head. But I am proud to say that the entire time I never did once try to flirt back or to touch her. I had Analise on my mind the whole time and I know what I want. And I want Sunshine. Darn stomach touching girls of the world!!! They are just to darn cute. Well, except for that wonderful one with beautiful eyes that see right through me. Who would have thought that after four months I still have a clear picture of her gorgeous eyes in my silly head? I would have....
Monday was no biggie and neither was today. If I can remember what I wanted to talk about, I'll talk about them. Until then adios!!!
5:59 PM
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