A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
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Friday, May 31, 2002
That’s Just Jessie
Kevin Denny
Sometimes in the morning,
my coffee gets ice cold
And I'll burn up three cigarettes,
'fore I have my first smoke
Missed my exit on the way
to work every now and then.
I always blame it on the traffic
when they ask me where I've been.
And in a crowded elevator,
I'll start humming that ol' song.
There's no way of knowin'
when that urge will come along.
I've been stuck in some meeting,
look down at my legal pad.
I see hearts and flowers and butterflies,
and I can't help but laugh.
That's just a dirt road,
Summer eighty-nine
That's just a back seat,
And some musky dime wine.
That's just auburn hair
Brushing cross my cheek.
And those kiss me green eyes
Smilin' back at me.
That's just my mind,
Jumpin' fences once again.
But, I'll be fine once
I get it rowed back in.
I know sometimes
I may act a little crazy....
But that's just Jessie.
Sometimes in the evening,
I hear barefeet in the hall,
And I see your slender silhouette,
dance across the wall.
Then I catch the sent of jasmine
perfume in the wind,
And I know it's her sweet memory
coming back again.
That's just a dirt road,
Summer eighty-nine
That's just a back seat,
And some musky dime wine.
That's just auburn hair
Brushing cross my cheek.
And those kiss me green eyes
Smilin' back at me.
That's just my mind,
Jumpin' fences once again.
But, I'll be fine once
I get it rowed back in.
I know sometimes
I may act a little crazy....
But that's just Jessie.
In a white cotton dress,
that's just a wildfire
That I ain't put out yet.
That's just auburn hair
brushing cross my cheek.
And those "kiss me" green eyes
smilin' back at me.
That's just my mind,
jumpin' fences once again.
But, I'll be fine once
I get it rowed back in.
I know sometimes
I may act a little crazy...
But that's just Jessie.......
4:54 PM
Thursday, May 30, 2002
I feel pitiful. I don't know how to explain it, but I do. They are all down there having a great time. I'm up here, by myself on a computer. I am really living in a dream world. I don't know what else to do though. If Josh was still talking to me I would be hanging out at his house right now. If I had a best friend here I could call them up and talk. But, all of my bestfriends are in Austin. I really do have a sad existance. I am loved, dearly loved by many, yet I never quite have a place to fit in. Josh and I worked together. We fit. I don't have that anymore. Not in Joshua. Its so hard when you love people that live so far away. I wish I could go randomly riding in Celeen's car. Talk to her about everything, anything, nothing. I wish I could go to V's house and laugh with her about that one time that we did that thing, yeah, that was so great. I wish I could snuggle with Analise, quite frankly anywhere. I wish that I could go on long walks with Ricky, figuring out life as we slowly padded along. I wish I had a chance to experince Daniel's driving. *Smiles* That would be great. I don't know, I'm not really all that sad. Just thoughtful. I need something to fill the emptiness that consumes me because of these people's absences. But I don't want to replace them. None of them. I love them all so much.
Daniel- I'm pretty sure you don't read this, but I love you anyways. *Smiles* You are amazing and spratic and insane. And I love you all the more for it. I love how you tackle me EVERY time you see me. It helps keep my medical bills up *grins.* I'm really going to miss you a heck of a lot next year. You have to come and see me all the time. I love you boy.
Bob Dole- You've changed my life. I can't tell you how many inside jokes have been made at your expense. Amen brother.
Celeen- Girl, you are amazing. I love talking to you. I wish I loved hanging out with you, but, lol, I would have to do that first before I can enjoy it. You are so spiritually wise and wonderful, you see so many things that I would never ever begin to grasp without your help. Your musical talent astounds me. I can't believe how many skills you've mastered. I hope that someday I can be as awesome as you are. I love you.
Vanessa- *Clap clap clap* And NO, that one was not written mockingly. Lol. I'm applauding your amazingness. You are quite simply the wisest person I have ever met. I love your mild sarcasm and your eagerness to laugh and joke with me. I love your kindness and your sensability. You make more sense then any teacher I've ever listened to or any wise saying I've ever read. You are amazing. God bless you. I know he has me by letting me know you. I love you.
Ricky- We've been through some deeeeeeeep shit man. Deep. And all in all, I still love you crazy boy. You still make me laugh. You still make me smile. It was great to finally meet you. I have to admit that I had my reserves about meeting you, but it went wonderful. I enjoyed your company, your laughter, your mutal silliness. I love you. Stay awesome crazy boy.
Analise- Now, of course, I could say all of that cute silly stuff like- I love you more than there are stars in the sky or even you are more beautiful then the singing of angels but I won't. However, *blushes* that doesn't make them untrue. I had a realiztion last night sitting on top of my chimney. Relationships, love, friendship, its all built upon the ability of the people involved to learn from each other. When you stop learning, you become bored and move on with your life. Knowledge is all powerful, and all seek it. I think thats why I love you. Because you teach me so much. Because through my life with you this last year and a half I have learned more than I ever have my entire life. You have set me free, allowed me to become myself, become a better person. You have taught me joy and sorrow, happiness and disappointment, ecstasy and yes, even the ever alluring patience. You have made me what I am and have loved me all the way. I could not have asked or even hoped for more. Thank you for the knowledge you have bestowed on me. I am truly greatful.
I love you.
I love you all.
Gods bless. Gods speed. Gods light.
I wonder if I'm ever going to mow lol..........
I've found my way back to peace again. Third day in a row. I'm happy.
Believe in yourself. You can do anything. ANYTHING.
I love you and that makes you special!!!
Thank you. Come again.
Bye.
8:33 PM
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
I feel wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two hours of sitting on your roof watching the sunset then watching the stars and talking to the person you love most in the world will do that too you. All is good on the earth. I am at peace. It feels good. I feel good. Bless you. And your little dog too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, life feels good. Life is great. So is love. And forgiveness. And tolerance.
Wow. I just realized that I've achevied one of my biggest goals in life. I have found peace within myself without rally. Amen. I'll make it in the real world some day.
God blessyou. Allah bless you. Buddha bless you. Confuscious bless you. Ancestors bless you. Muhmad bless you. Spirit bless you.
I apologize for miss spellings *grins*
Love to all.
10:36 PM
Wow. There has been a lot of up and down today. School was fun, well the two hours I had to be there. I came home and I was feeling great. Josh happened, then I talked to Sunshine and she made me feel somewhat better. Went to drivers ed and I actually came away quite happy. I'm tired yet I have a smile on my face still. I love Josh though he hurts me. Its kind of crazy. Its kind of like when Analise wouldn't talk to me, except a different person and a different love. Oh, well, and a different reason. I mean the feelings are basically the same. I think love is structurally the same, that is if love can be said to have structure. Who knows? Not me. I'll figure it out someday.
I'm debating talking to Donna about me once being in love with her. I don't think it would change life all that much but then again I don't even know if its relevant. On the other hand, would it be lying not to tell her? I have no idea. I'll probably end up talking to her about it regardless at rally. Whatever works, works.
I'm unsure what to do about my hand. I think I'm going to put some heat on it.
I'm bored, I have nothing to do.
Ostinato.
That one word, inspired by Analise, has me excited about a musical piece. I was wrong by the way sweetheart, by refering to the idea in my head as a pedal point, though it is something like an ostinato. Some day I'll explain lol. I have a great idea...............
I have nothing to do..........................
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wrote music!!!!!!!!!!!
3/4 eighth note pattern, timpani, accents on the te of one and on beat two. The basic beat will remain the same throughout the piece while the basis of the time will change. Such as it will change to sixteen notes, possibly thirty second depending on tempo, and probably quarter or even half notes. On top of the timpani will eventually be a frenzied mallet piece.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ Its time to print out some staff paper.............
I'm hungry. I want real food. I'm sick of cooking for myself and I'm sick of Papa John's. I don't have the money to get pizza either. I have like eighteen dollars for the rest of this week.
Solution: Fettucine. And YES, I do know I spelled it wrong.......................
*Is going to cook*
7:34 PM
I don't know what to write. Should I write about how much he hurt me? How wrong he is? How wrong I am? About how much love people have shown me in this situation? About the lack of sleep or about the glorious conversations when I should be sleeping? I don' t know. Well, I know that I love him, that I love me, that I miss her, that I want to kiss her and that there isn't anything more natural than that in the world for me. I can say that I am confused, I am hurt, and I am ready to be over this. After tomorrow I won't see him for the rest of the summer. Well, that is unless his parents allow him to come out of his room, which I doubt happens. Should I write about the crying? About the smiles? About the joy in a voice? The temptation in a touch? The longing of two lovers or the disharmony of two souls? Should I even write at all? Why do I write? To explain my life to the world, to have someone listen? Just cause? To let of steam? Do I have an analytical mind or do I bullshit my way through that? Does that make sense? Do I HAVE to go to drivers ed? Maybe I could run away *smiles*.
I do have three cars at my house. I do have keys. And I don't have a licesons lol. And I can't spell. And I can't drive. Lol.
So lost, confused, just mad
Yeah, thats kind of how I feel, maybe.
I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I have all of the symptoms. I pulled out my old wrist brace and slapped it on. I'm going to wear it around the house til my folks get home. Thanks for the warning V. Love you much.
I wish there was a protien pill that I could pop once a day. Or I wish I had more will power. One or the other.
I wish my hand would stop hurting. Maybe I should stop talking because my hand hurts so bad? Does that sound like a plan? It does, however, I'm still typing am I not? Oh well........................
3:07 PM
dabopgk: can we talk?
RoninWarriorHoly: About what?
dabopgk: if not just say no and i'll leave you alone
dabopgk: about anything
dabopgk: i miss you
RoninWarriorHoly: Why?
dabopgk: just because i want to talk to you
dabopgk: i haven't had a real conversation with you in ages and i miss you
dabopgk: it doesn't have to be about anything
dabopgk: important
RoninWarriorHoly: I'm not that great of a person.
dabopgk: you are a great person josh
RoninWarriorHoly: Sure.
dabopgk: you are one of the greatest people i've ever met
dabopgk: how are you? are you at home? whats going on at church? tell me anything about you
RoninWarriorHoly: there's not much to say.
dabopgk: please josh, i didn't do anything to deserve this
RoninWarriorHoly: Deserve what?
dabopgk: just tell me how you're doing, whats going on, how you and lyssa are
dabopgk: you being so cold towards me
dabopgk: by the way, thank you for the book, even if you didn't give it to me to be nice
RoninWarriorHoly: I'm doing nothing, nothing is up, and Lyssa and I still don't know if she's off work tomorrow night.
RoninWarriorHoly: Who says I didn't give it to you to be nice?
dabopgk: i don't know, it doesn't seem like it though
dabopgk: are you at home?
RoninWarriorHoly: yes.
dabopgk: are your parents letting you on the internet now?
RoninWarriorHoly: they don't know.
dabopgk: ok
dabopgk: why did you get on?
RoninWarriorHoly: I'm speaking to Chris, per your request.
dabopgk: thanks
dabopgk: how are you?
RoninWarriorHoly: Fine. You?
dabopgk: i'm doing pretty well actually
RoninWarriorHoly: That's nice.
dabopgk: josh, why can't you talk to me? i'm not going to try and change who you are, only you can do that. i'll love and support you no matter what. please let us be at least aquatinces who are mildly nice to each other
dabopgk: i miss our friendship
RoninWarriorHoly: We are acquaintances who are mildly nice to each other.
dabopgk: it doesn't seem like it. you avoid me whenever possible
dabopgk: why can't we be friends?
RoninWarriorHoly: Because it's not allowed.
dabopgk: by whom?
RoninWarriorHoly: My parents.
dabopgk: melissa told me that you said that it wasn't true, you were just choosing not to talk to me
dabopgk: please don't lie to me
RoninWarriorHoly: I didn't say that.
RoninWarriorHoly: I said that I also believed that it was best for me not to talk to you.
dabopgk: but i'm not going to try and change you
dabopgk: you be whatever you find happiness in and i'll be happy for you
dabopgk: there is nothing wrong with sharing happiness
RoninWarriorHoly: Rebecca, you have a great influence over my life. I can't be around you until I'm much stronger. I'm not saying that we can't ever be friends, but we can't be friends now.
dabopgk: i'm NOT going to try to change you josh
dabopgk: why would you being around me cause you to falter?
RoninWarriorHoly: Because I once believed the same lies, and no, I won't appologize for calling them that because I truly believe that they are just that, as you did. And seeing you laughing, seeing you happy, hearing you talk about Analise might just be enough for me to lose everything that I've worked so hard to build back up.
dabopgk: josh, it doesn't matter what you need help doing, i will help you be strong in becoming straight if you need that
dabopgk: i will help you do anything
RoninWarriorHoly: You can't do that.
dabopgk: yes i can
RoninWarriorHoly: There is only one person who can.
dabopgk: i can provide support and friendship
dabopgk: and can help you laugh and blow off steam
dabopgk: yes, only you can change yourself, but not without support
RoninWarriorHoly: Which will do nothing. Don't you understand? The things of this world are fleeting. No matter what you do, your very presence would spiritually undermine me.
dabopgk: because i'm free?
RoninWarriorHoly: I can't change myself. I can't do anything. But the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain.
RoninWarriorHoly: Because you think yourself free.
dabopgk: josh, i'm not a christian
dabopgk: i AM free
RoninWarriorHoly: What's that supposed to mean?
dabopgk: i'm not saying christianity is bonds, not by any means
dabopgk: i'm saying that i don't believe the things you do, so there fore i am free
dabopgk: i'm sorry if it came across like that
RoninWarriorHoly: Rebecca, I'm the one who's free. I have a hope of greater glory in heaven. Your freedom is the freedom of eternal damnation, I'm afraid.
RoninWarriorHoly: I'm not trying to judge; that's not only useless, but wrong.
dabopgk: if that is how you see life then i guess i'm happy you've found a place to belong
RoninWarriorHoly: But I can't sit here and watch you dance down the pathway to hell. I care too much about you.
dabopgk: there is no heaven as much as there is no hell
dabopgk: there is simply life and how we live it
dabopgk: or thats how i see it
RoninWarriorHoly: But that's not how it is.
RoninWarriorHoly: Who made you?
dabopgk: josh, i welcome any prayers you have for me, i only ask that you don't pray for me to be "cured" but for me to find my path to happiness
dabopgk: a sperm and an egg made me, as they made you
dabopgk: our parents
RoninWarriorHoly: But who made thier parents, then? Where did humanity come from?
dabopgk: evolution my dear
dabopgk: by the way, i did look up all of the bible quotations you put on that note
RoninWarriorHoly: Then where did the single-celled organisms come from?
RoninWarriorHoly: And?
dabopgk: from the universe
dabopgk: and i read them
dabopgk: i did what you asked of me, and quite frankly it made not want to be a christian even more then before
RoninWarriorHoly: I'm sorry.
dabopgk: there is nothing to be sorry for
RoninWarriorHoly: Yes, there is. In my pride, I thought that I could help you alone. I wrote that note without praying first.
dabopgk: josh, lets set religion aside for a moment
dabopgk: how do you feel about me?
RoninWarriorHoly: Why?
RoninWarriorHoly: I feel that you are a good person, but your lifestyle is wrong.
dabopgk: because i would rather talk about something else, but we can return to it in a moment
dabopgk: not like that, how do YOU feel about me
dabopgk: do you miss me, do i matter, why or why not?
RoninWarriorHoly: That's how I feel about you.
dabopgk: thats it? completly?
RoninWarriorHoly: I'm going to be honest: I don't miss you that much. Everything I had with you, I now have with Lyssa, but there's so much more with her.
RoninWarriorHoly: I think you matter, because God created you and loves you, as he created and loves everyone. Would my life be better without you? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't have any answers.
dabopgk: ok
dabopgk: analise made a bracelet for you a long time ago
RoninWarriorHoly: oh?
dabopgk: she was going to give it to me to give to you but kept it because of what was happening
dabopgk: she thought that you wouldn't take it or something
RoninWarriorHoly: Why wouldn't I take it?
dabopgk: because it was from her and i
RoninWarriorHoly: I don't approve of the two of you, I don't accept it as natural, and I don't condone it, but I do not hate either of you.
dabopgk: why can't you just accept that josh
dabopgk: why can't you just love us as we are as we love you as you are
dabopgk: ?
dabopgk: we don't try to change you, don't try to change us
dabopgk: don't try to save me, i am saved, i love myself and i love her
RoninWarriorHoly: I would love to be able to do that, but I can't.
dabopgk: why not?
dabopgk: and what about it is not natural? have you not seen the look in my eyes when i've talked about her, the joy and the sadness that have come with the relationship?
dabopgk: how are emotions and feelings not natural?
RoninWarriorHoly: Because God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
dabopgk: i am neither adam nor steve nor eve
dabopgk: i am rebecca and she is analise
dabopgk: love is love, no matter where it exists
RoninWarriorHoly: "Do not lie with another man as you would with a woman, for this is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord."
dabopgk: i am not a christian, so this doesn't matter to me
RoninWarriorHoly: If you say so.
dabopgk: josh, i love you. i care about you and i always will. you've hurt me alot, i won't lie about that, but i will always be here for you. i don't know what else i'm supposed to say to you. i can tell you don't want to talk to me anymore so whatever.
RoninWarriorHoly: I don't understand you.
dabopgk: how so?
RoninWarriorHoly: You're happy, really happy... I was never really happy until two weeks ago.
dabopgk: yes, i am happy with myself because i accept myself
dabopgk: because i have found where i beling
dabopgk: belong
dabopgk: and maybe you have now
RoninWarriorHoly: But how? The world hates you.
dabopgk: no, the world doesn't
dabopgk: and who cares about the world anyways
RoninWarriorHoly: I did.
dabopgk: if i am happy and shes happy and i get be in love then who cares, not me
dabopgk: you still do
dabopgk: you always have
RoninWarriorHoly: No, I don't. I care what God wants. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I'm so unworthy of what He's done for me. But I'm happy. I love Him more than I ever imagined possible, and I know that He loves me.
dabopgk: i've had that realization too, but i had it within myself. i see the god within me and within others of this world. i love myself as being one with god and being one with others. i am not unworthy of anything god has bestowed upon me. i am worthy because god loves me and i love him through loving people
RoninWarriorHoly signed off at 12:24:44 PM.
12:36 PM
I have no idea what to write, yet nothing to do but to write.
I had a strange dream last night. I changed characters several times, watched as if I was in a movie, played a boy, played an old man, played myself. Very strange dream last night. It was almost like watching a movie, seeing the world from so many different perspectives.
Chris was flirting quite openly and phsyicaly with me one day so I told him I was taken. Today he was teasing me about "having a boyfriend" and I said that I didn't. He said, "You're taken, but you don't have a boyfriend? Do you have a girlfriend?" I smiled and nodded. We talked about it for awhile, he asked if I still like boys and I said yes and he said that was all he cared about. He kept on asking a lot of sexual questions about things Analise and I have done and I asked him what it was about lesbians that turned boys on. He said, "Its cause, well, um, I guess I would want to do those things to you too, so its cool." Hmmmmmm, somebody was hitting one me...................
I gotta go. Josh just got online.
11:56 AM
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Corinthians 6:12-18
12 You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. 13 In return- I speak as to children- widen your hearts also.
14 Do not be mismated with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Be-li-al? Or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living god; as god said,
"I will live in them and move among them,
and I will be their God,
aand they sahll be my people.
17 Therefore come out from the,.
and be separate from them, says
the Lord,
and touch nothing unclean;
then I will welcome you,
and I will be a gather to you,
and you sall be my sons and daughters,
says the Lord Almighty."
James 4:4
4 You are like an unfaithful wife who loves her husband's enemies. don't you realize that making friends with God's enemies- the evil pleasures of this world- makes you an enemy of god? I say it again, that if you r aim is to enjoy the eivl pleasure of the unsaved world, you cannot also be a friend of God.
Exodus 20:12
12 "Honor your father and mother, that you may have a long, good life in the land the Lord your God will give you."
John 3:16-17
16 For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son so that anyone who believes in him shall no tpersh but have eternal life. 17 God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.
Josh wrote me today. He gave me a book that we once read together, Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey (absolutely great by the way), and gave me a note written on several note cards. I would type it all, I wouldn't mind a bit, but it gives me a bad feeling to think of it bloggered and posted up. He says that he loves me but he can't talk to me because "When you believe a lie for long enough, you come to accept it as the truth" He thinks that if he hangs around me he will sink back into his former "evil self." He's right. Some people say I have a way of bringing out the best in people. I don't mean that in a mean or condescending way. I've got tears in my eyes. He was wonderful then. He was amazing and fun and happy. He was my best friend. At least it proves I give him strength. That I help. *Shakes head as single tear runs down face*
He says that he cares for me but he cares for his family and God more, and he has to do what's right. He says that he prays for me. *Sadness swells* He says everyone needs prayers. He says he loves me. He says goodbye.
Today was such a good day, and I'm not even kidding. I smiled and laughed and listened to music. I did it by myself, but I throughly enjoyed it. I was at peace much of today, a feeling that I haven't felt in a good ten months. Not since Conference. That long ago. I felt it today and I saw beauty in people that never existed before. I found joy in the unintelligent screams of my fellow classmates. I was truly happy. It was great. I don't know where it turned bad. Drivers ed I think. Coach Hallmark screamed at me the entire time. It felt oh so great. Did you notice that sarcasm? Dang, you were supposed to...........
The quotes that Josh asked me to look up in the Bible scared me. I don't like the Bible. For every encouraging word I've found in the book I've found yet another two damning me and the people I love. The boy doesn't realize I'm not a Christian. I don't want to be a Christian. Forced love of a god because of fear of burning in an eternal hell does not appeal to me. I prefer to acknolwedge the god in all of us and honor it within myself and others. I try not to damn others with my words or my actions and especially not with religion. I don't know why we humans need ultimatums to keep us happy. Why do you need a reward for acting good? Why do you need a punishment for acting bad? We should just all live by the golden rule- Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. Life would be better like that. I'm not saying I'm an angel however, I have my faults as the rest of the world does, but that doesn't mean we all shouldn't try.
Josh is a mold and it scares me. At least he said goodbye.
I wish I could display the happieness I felt today. The peace and the glory of being relaxed. I wish I could describe that. It would be nice to feel that once again. I've lost it today, I'll try to hold on longer tomorrow....................
Everyone from Austin is out doing stuff. Analise, Vanessa and Daniel are out having fun. Ricky and Amber are doing something, don't know what. Celeen is practicing for one of her various musical instruments. I'm at home, typing on a silly computer, with silly red eyes and sore fingers. My fingers are hurting worse lately and I have no idea why.
For those of you that don't know, I'm a drummer and a goal keeper and I type an amazing extent every day. I've done both drumming and goal keeping for the majority of my life so my hands and fingers are throughly screwd, scared and stiff. I have to pop my fingers like ever ten minutes to keep them workable. They've been worse lately....................
I feel like I have so much to write. But I don't.
I wonder what that means............
I have junior and senior year to get through with Analise. Then we can both go to the same college and be together. Or at least thats the plan. Two years is a very long time for a long distance relationship. A very long time. I need, we need, to figure out something we can do to keep this alive through the time. I know that it will all fall into place as it needs to. I just want it to end up with me seeing her every morning I wake up..............
Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly happy with us right now. I love her more than there are stars in the sky or fishes in the see *teehee*. I'm just worried about the future. I should just go with it right? Yeah, you are right. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this.....................
You know, before I went to look up those bible quotes I was compeltely ready to do a full out happy blog. Oops. Oh well...............
7:43 PM
Monday, May 27, 2002
I love her. I love her, I love her, I love her. I want to live in Austin. I want to feel her body against me again, to hear her say that she needs me, that she wants me and not have it be on the telephone. I want to kiss her again. And again. And again. I love her.
Yesterday was pretty boring for me. I woke up, did the chores, got online and wrote that HUGE blogger thats below this and then played around on the internet. Then I called Analise as I was getting ready for baccalorate (sp) and then Josh (Bonnie's big brother) picked me up to go perform. Sat through that, the entire time thinking of Analise and the irony that existed in my situation at that moment. I was sitting in a church service for a religion who's eyes I had been damned in. I chuckled to myself and once again thought of her amazing face. Damnation? Second helping please!!!
Came home, played on internet, watched half of Shrek, called Analise like 8 times, finally got a hold of her, climbed on roof to look at stars while we talked, came down and layed in bed, got of the phone with her, slept.
Our conversation was riveting. I love when I get to talk to her, make her laugh. Those are some of my greater joys in life. Vanessa once said that its funny the power Allison has over Daniel and the power Analise has on me. I'm fine with it actually. I enjoy it. If I could I would give the girl everything in the world. Give her everything she could ever want or need. And you know what? Some day I will. Some day we'll be together for longer than two hours. Some day I'll come home and she'll greet me at the door with a smile and a kiss. Now, I just have to keep myself busy in the waiting time. *Ho Hum*
Well, I must go, I have to clean the house because Tanzi and Kaitlan are coming over to do the Senior Survival packs. It should be fun!!!
I love you Analise.
I love everyone else too.
Heck, I even love the green giraffe
*Smiles*
On NOW I'm done.
8:14 AM
Sunday, May 26, 2002
*Sighs* Did you know that they're real? That I haven't been having a huge scizophrenic scene the last year of my life? Did you know that she's real? That she tastes? That she's even more beautiful then I imagined? That she has the most amazing walk, breath taking eyes? Its true. Its all completly, wonderfully true. Did you know that she's three hundred miles away? Its true.
Heaven on earth. Nirvana in Austin. Rapture in her arms. Joy to the hearts content in her caress. She didn't want to let go of me. When we were saying goodbye, I started to leave and she pulled me closer. She needs me. There has never been any greater happieness in my being then the moment we sat down by the river. When I looked her in the eyes and kissed her. When my hands went to her back and my soul soared. God I love her. So much. So, so, so much. Heaven on earth. Nirvana in Austin. Rapture in her arms.
Friday night, after we got to County Line, Yvonne and I went to get something out of the van. She wanted to go straight back in but I made her take the long way, walking around the entire cirlce of cars. Then I saw their car. I saw her in the back seat, saw Celeen driving, Vanessa in the passenger seat and Ricky and Amber sitting next to Analise. When they pulled in I ran to the car and held Analise's hand while the car was still moving, I had to let go so I didn't get run over lol. They parked and I was engulfed in hugs. My heart was racing. We went inside and I ignored the rest of my school mates and sat outside with them (them being my Austinites). I sat there next to Analise talking to all of them and laughing. V got her nose pierced. I like it. Ricky looked different then I thought he would. Amber was bright and smily and Celeen kept randomly singing which made me happy. Analise, well, she stunned me. In my mind I imagined her beautiful but oh my god, there are no words to describe the beauty of that being, nor the feeling in my soul that I get each time I look at her. Stunned. I couldn't talk, literally. We talked more, inspected my "gal bag", looked at my glasses which I think everyone liked, played with bubbles. Then Analise said she wanted to go see the turtles. I agreed.
We walked down the stairs, halfway holding hands, and then walked along the river until we got to the end of the property. We sat on a large concret slab and she said something that I can't remember and I kissed her. We kissed. *WHOoooooooooOOOooshhhhhhhhh* *BANG* *fireworks* Not even kidding. I felt her body so close to mine. So, so close. Heaven on earth. Nirvana in Austin. Rapture in her arms.
After maybe ten minutes we decided we had to go back to the table. So we did. Then they buzzed us because they had our table. I had to eat with my school but they sat right next to us. Mr. Foster was pissed because he went looking for me. I didn't care. I told Yvonne and Rose Anne that I kissed her. They both made weird faces, I guess because they weren't sure if they were happy for me or not. I mean, up here in Joshua they really don't have to deal with me being bi, there is no outward sign of it. In Austin there is. I was happy for me. Very extremly happy.
I ate a single rib, and only because Rose made me, and then sat with the Austinites *teehee*. We sat and talked and the conversation wasn't as forced as it was at the table. It was more relaxed, or at least it seems that way to me. We talked and then Rose Anne and I went to get the presents that I made for all of them. They liked all of them. I'm glad. I worked hard on the ones I made and thought alot about the ones I bought. I finally gave Analise the Mikey mouse that I got for her in Disney World. She liked it. She says it smells like me. *Smiles*.
OHHHHHHHH, DUHHHHHH!!! I forgot to tell you what she gave me. I love it. I absolutely love it. She made me a bracelet with beautiful beads. She gave it to me right when they got there. Her hands were shaking. It made me happy. I love her and I love my bracelet.
We headed to the hotel and Sunshine and the group followed minus Amber plus Daniel and his girlfriend Alisson. She seemed nice. We all sat in the lobby and talked. Daniel attempted to kidnap me. I had to refuse. I wanted him to though. We said goodbye for the night.
I watched A Beautiful Mind with the rest of the group in the boys room. I didn't watch a lot of it. I was thinking about her touch and gazing at my new bracelet. I like it. Alot.
Slept. Woke up. Showered and ate breakfast. Watched a Night's Tale. Ran around jumping on beds. Devan (sp?) was acting so crazy. It was great. I got the flowers out that I made for Analise and made them perfect. I set them on the bed and talked to everyone. Justin walks in, picks up the flowers and throws them in the air. I almost killed the boy. The thing flew all over. There was flowers everywhere. I spent the next half an hour cursing him and attempting to fix them. I never quite got them right. We loaded up in the van and headed to to Burger King to eat and then to UT. It took us forever circling the campus trying to figure out where we should be. Finally we found it and we got out.
Analise and I found each other instantly, which was amazing enough with over 5,000 people there. She was on lunch break. I gave her the flowers which promplty fell apart. It annoyed me. I wanted them to be perfect. We laughed it off and put them in her bag and then walked across the street to sit under a tree. We talked. And flirted. And I rolled on the ground and made her laugh. Then we got up and walked to a more secluded place, there were only a few people around. We talked and flirted and got really close but didn't kiss. It felt good to feel her against me. Then we walked by some glass windows that reflected our images. It was strange to see us standing next to each other. If I could have changed anything about the trip it would have been that we stopped to look at ourselves standing there. That would have been interesting.
We walked and then amazingly enough found a place where no one was. It was secluded with trees and a tall building behind us. Celeen called. I continued walking until we were far, far away from the path. Analise stopped talking. I leaned against the wall and she leaned against me. We kissed. And touched each other. And it was truly wonderful. I wish we were still there.
We had to stop because she had to go back to work. She was working at one of the doors for choir ensembles. So I went and helped her for an hour. We flirted and joked and she tickled me *scowls* lol. Then I left. She couldn't leave the table. I hugged her and walked away, thinking that I wouldn't see her again for a month.
Did the whole ensemble thing. We played badly. Or not as good as we could have. Made a 3. I didn't care.
We got done and Foster told me I had to go find Ray and tell him where we were meeting. I did and then had twenty more minutes.
I ran across the street to her building, up the stairs and straight to her. She was stunned. So was I, I got to see her again. We sat and I helped her do her job. I like helping. When I had to leave again and this time she came with me. We stood under a tree and hugged. I tried to let go but she wouldn't let me. It felt good. We let go and I ran back across the street to where we were supposed to meet. Waited for an hour. *Grrrhhh* An hour. Then we left.
On the ride home I cried, called Analise 5 times, drank a vanilla shake, ate about 2/3s of a mcflurry and then started being happy. It was fun after that.
Got home. Called my girl. She was upset. Ricky had said something that hurt her alot. I talked to both of them online. She was still upset and so was he. She got off. Ricky and I talked some more. We reached a sort of understanding. I got off and fell into a deep slumber after I wrote Analise an e-mail.
And now I'm here. I wish that I could have stayed in Austin. I wish that I could have been there last night while she was crying. I wish I could be more than pictures and telephone calls for her. She deserves more. Oh well, I held her yesterday. I touched her and knew how she felt. I have a picture of her embedded in my mind. I love her.
I Kissed A Girl
Jill SobuleGenny came over and told me 'bout Fred
" He's such a hairy behemoth, " she said
" Dumb as a box of hammers
But he's such a handsome guy. "
And I opened up and told her 'bout Larry
And yesterday how he asked me to marry
I'm not giving him an answer yet
I think I can do better
So we laughed
Compared notes
We had a drink, we had a smoke
She took off her over coat
I kissed a girl
So she called home to say she'd be late
He said he'd worried but now he feels safe
" I'm glad you're with your girlfriend, tell her hi for me "
So I looked at you, you had guilt in your eyes
But it only lasted a little while
And then I felt your hand above my knee
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
She was just like kissing me
I kissed a girl, won't change the world
But I'm so glad I kissed a girl
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
For the first time
I kissed a girl
And I may do it again
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl her lips were sweet
She was just like kissing me
But better
I kissed a girl
Won't change the world
But I'm so glad
I kissed a girl
For the first time
I kissed a girl
10:21 AM
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
Girls are wonderful. My girl is wonderful. I love her. I get to see her in almost a day. I get to kiss her in almost a day. I love her. She gives me butterflies. She is my everything......
11:03 PM
No Such Thing
John Mayer
"Welcome to the real world"
she said to me condescendingly
"take a seat, take your life
plot it out in black and white"
well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
and the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
is still hiding up my sleeve
they love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
but something's better on the other side
I want to run through the halls of my high school
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just a lie you've got to rise above
so the good boys and girls take the so-called right track
faded white hats grabbing credits, maybe transfers
they read all the books but they can't find the answers
all of our parents, they're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
while in their memories, tiny tragedies
they love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
but something's better on the other side
I want to run through the halls of my high school
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just a lie you've got to rise above
I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
as long as I'm alive
I want to run through the halls of my high school
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
just a lie you've got to rise above
I just can't wait for my ten year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
and when I stand on these tables before you
you will know what all this time was for
8:13 PM
RICKSTER85: hi
dabopgk: hi
RICKSTER85: sup?
dabopgk: homework
dabopgk: you?
RICKSTER85: right... sorry
dabopgk: its all good man
dabopgk: i can talk, just not a lot
dabopgk: and you?
RICKSTER85: im so happy
dabopgk: why?
RICKSTER85: summers here
dabopgk: oic
dabopgk: its good to be happy
RICKSTER85: yup
dabopgk: yeah
RICKSTER85: are you okay?
RICKSTER85: okay
dabopgk: eh
dabopgk: read blogger?
RICKSTER85: yeah
dabopgk: long day
dabopgk: sick of this school, these people
dabopgk: when i go to austin, i don't want to come back here
RICKSTER85: im sorry
dabopgk: ever
dabopgk: not your fault
dabopgk: i'm so jealous of all of you
RICKSTER85: im sorry
dabopgk: stop saying that
RICKSTER85: i know
dabopgk: then why do you do it?
RICKSTER85: okay
dabopgk: thanks
RICKSTER85: why so jealous?
RICKSTER85: do what?
dabopgk: you have a place where you have friends that you connect with
dabopgk: you all have those kinds of relationships
RICKSTER85: ah
dabopgk: best friends
dabopgk: phsyical relationships with bestfriends
RICKSTER85: yeah
dabopgk: i haven't seen my best friends in 4 or 6 months
dabopgk: i hate living here, the stupidity that is here
RICKSTER85: who are your best friends?
dabopgk: some guy asked me if acid would blow up
dabopgk: ACID!!!!!
dabopgk: god
dabopgk: i don't know
dabopgk: i'm just sick of this
dabopgk: sick of god damned joshua
RICKSTER85: whoa... calm down... youll be down here in two days
dabopgk: yeah, for what 26 hours
RICKSTER85: you get to hold analise and see vanessa and cleen
dabopgk: and then i have to come back
dabopgk: and that makes me happy, but i have to face reality, i live here, i will for the next two years
dabopgk: i hate it
RICKSTER85: but you have the heart of the most wonderful girl every
RICKSTER85: ever
dabopgk: yeah, but i can't hold her
dabopgk: i can't see her
dabopgk: i can't kiss her
RICKSTER85: but you have her heart
dabopgk: i realize that
dabopgk: but i need more than a heart
dabopgk: i need a body
dabopgk: i need a person
RICKSTER85: why?
dabopgk: and i can't have that with her, so we're stuck in this long distance relationship that neither of us are willing to give up
dabopgk: because i need someone
dabopgk: i used to have a best friend, i don't know
dabopgk: now
RICKSTER85: but is she not worth the wait?
dabopgk: dude, i never said anything about quiting
dabopgk: i'm not quiting
dabopgk: i just need someone in my life right now
RICKSTER85: okay, but that means you cant have anyone else
dabopgk: i want it to be her and thats impossible so i go without someone in my life
RICKSTER85: you have her
dabopgk: duh
dabopgk: i'm not with anyone else
dabopgk: do you know how many people hit on me every day? how many people like me? quite alot
dabopgk: i'm sticking with sunshine, no doubt
RICKSTER85: you need to find happiness in her... and theres so much happiness to be found in that
dabopgk: i need to find happieness where i am, and that is impossible
dabopgk: i'm not happy with her
dabopgk: i'm jealous of her
dabopgk: of the people around her
dabopgk: of everyone close to her
RICKSTER85: what?
dabopgk: because they see her
dabopgk: because they give her high fives and hugs and they smile at each other
dabopgk: and i don't get to
dabopgk: i don't even get the fucking chance
dabopgk: i get ignored by someone i love (josh)
dabopgk: i don't have someone that i can hug
dabopgk: i hate the fact that people have that with her, i want that with her
dabopgk: i don't have that and i might never have that
dabopgk: i want it though, so badly
dabopgk: i wish i was the girl next door...
dabopgk: then i could see her every day
dabopgk: i could hug her and smile with her
dabopgk: laugh with her
dabopgk: tickle her
dabopgk: know what she looks like
dabopgk: damn it
dabopgk: i really, really, really don't like joshua
RICKSTER85: hey... she loves you
dabopgk: i know
RICKSTER85: i would trade places with you in a second
dabopgk: don't say that because you have no idea
dabopgk: no one does, and i shouldn't expect you to, but i do
dabopgk: i hate when i talk to her and vanessa at the same time
dabopgk: they both laugh and joke with each other
dabopgk: i'm completly left out
dabopgk: i just sit there and miss them like hell
dabopgk: i don't like talking to them both at once
RICKSTER85: i dont understand
RICKSTER85: why dont you laugh too?
dabopgk: what don't you understand?
dabopgk: because they're at one of their houses and they're tickling each other, or laughing at a picture or an inside joke or a million other things
dabopgk: something that i can't do because all i can do is hear their laughing
RICKSTER85: oh...
dabopgk: yeah
RICKSTER85: i know you dont want me to say this... but im sorry
RICKSTER85: i really am
dabopgk: ok
dabopgk: what time does wednesday night church usually get over?
RICKSTER85: about nine
RICKSTER85: her cell phone is off
dabopgk: are you serious?
RICKSTER85: i already tried
RICKSTER85: yeah
dabopgk: 9?
RICKSTER85: yup
dabopgk: damn it
7:52 PM
Tired. Bored. Sad. Depressed. Frusterated. Angry. Exhausted. Fed up. Pissed. Lonely. Longing. Sleepy. On the edge. Oh, oh, how else to describe how I feel...............................
I want Analise to come to my house now. I want her to pull me close to her, to kiss me. Then I want her to hold me as I cry and then as I fall asleep in the arms of heaven. I want her to play with my hair and tell me that she loves me and kiss my forehead. I just want to rest in the arms of my love. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I have to go. I have an assload of homework. And here is my anthem for today-
Sometimes I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
Wish I was young
Wish I would try
Wish I was honest
Wish I was you not I
{Chorus}
Cause I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, just mad
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Lets start over
Lets start over
Sometimes I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for how people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could leave
I wish I could change the world
For you and me
Chorus twice
6:14 PM
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
I Feel So
Boxcar Racer
Sometimes I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
Wish I was young
Wish I would try
Wish I was honest
Wish I was you not I
{Chorus}
Cause I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, just mad
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Lets start over
Lets start over
Sometimes I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for how people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could leave
I wish I could change the world
For you and me
Chorus twice
I love it. I love it. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. Perfect song. Love it. Goodbye.........
7:09 PM
I wonder if blogger is down.........................
5:49 PM
Monday, May 20, 2002
Whew....... That last post was a little silly. It was fun though............................
To the girl that wrote me the letter about the post earlier this week, yeah the one whom I'm no longer allowed to use her name. That one. I apologize, I should not have used your name. I understand why you would be upset, so yes it is changed to Bob Dole *smiles*. I think you misinterpreted my intentions behind that paragraph. Those words were not meant to anger you or upset you. They were meant to make you aware that I did infact know that you know about everything *laughs*, now that just sounds silly doesn't it? It does. Lol. Anyways, I could care less if the school knows or not, infact my life might be easier if the whole school knew because then I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I still do in some of my classes and I don't like it, but I'm to chicken to stand on a lunch table and scream it to the world. When Josh and I started this we decided it would be our PA system. We had wanted to shout it over the school speakers but decided not to *grins*. Anyways, it worked quite well and I'm glad. It's made my life easier. And I was serious about the "why don't you try talking to me" part. Why not? We might learn something. So, I'm done with this subject. I apologize, if you would like to check its changed. Once again- Have a great day.
Anyways, done with that. Today I've been with Sunshine for a month. Like offically. It seems silly, you know, that word, offically. I would like to think us as having been "together" longer but thats not true. We've been in love for quite a long time, just not together. Never the less, I am quite pleased that I haven't been able to screw this relationship up yet. Lol, or that she's just rolled her eyes and told me she loved me when I've gotten close. One, or the other, or both. Haha. I love my girl........
You know Donovan, you are a great guy. You have to be the smartest person I have ever met. And the best gentleman at that. You are an amazing person and I'm honored to call you my friend and my adventure buddy. You are so extremly high up on my favorite people list that it's hard to believe that we've only really known each other for about five months. I'm glad that I know you. Truly glad. I want you to know that what you said earlier, during myth, is completely cool with me. In fact, some times I know what you're talking about, I think sometimes I have the same feelings. However, we both know what stands in the way. I'm sorry.
Someone wrote me a poem today and showed it to me in Spanish. A love poem. A poem that talked about how she lies awake at night dreaming of me. She didn't flat out say that it was about me, but she hinted. And flirted. And darn I'm sorry I'm taken. Happily taken at that. *Sings- I love my girl, she's so pretty, I love my girl, but she lives in the cityyyyyyyyyy* *Bird dies, dogs moan and cats try to attack me in order to end their pain* hahahahahahahaha.
Yay.
*Looking for war protest song for English*
One Tin Soldier (The Legend of Billy Jack)
------------------------------------------
(Lambert-Potter, sung by Coven)
Listen, children, to a story
That was written long ago,
'Bout a kingdom on a mountain
And the valley-folk below.
On the mountain was a treasure
Buried deep beneath the stone,
And the valley-people swore
They'd have it for their very own.
Chorus:
Go ahead and hate your neighbor,
Go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of Heaven,
You can justify it in the end.
There won't be any trumpets blowing
Come the judgement day,
On the bloody morning after....
One tin soldier rides away.
So the people of the valley
Sent a message up the hill,
Asking for the buried treasure,
Tons of gold for which they'd kill.
Came an answer from the kingdom,
"With our brothers we will share
All the secrets of our mountain,
All the riches buried there."
Now the valley cried with anger,
"Mount your horses! Draw your sword!"
And they killed the mountain-people,
So they won their just reward.
Now they stood beside the treasure,
On the mountain, dark and red.
Turned the stone and looked beneath it...
"Peace on Earth" was all it said.
Chorus (x2)
Enjoy...............
8:33 PM
Guess what today is??? Well........... GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its Sunshine's and mine one month anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm happy. It makes me happy. It makes her happy. It makes us happy. And isn't that great. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Double YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Donovan is making me an epic hero!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's writing a story and I'll post it on here. It makes me happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today is a happy day. Misty just said, "I guess you're happy huh?" Lol. Just a little bit *smiles*.
I get to see my beautiful, amazing, sexy, loving, kind, wonderful, fantastic girl in just four days. Can anyone say estatic??? And happy?? And nervous? Cause I sure can *smiles big and pretty*.
Becca, "I'm always sexy."
Hahahahahahahaha, this is completly random. I like it.
Water was present in both storys. (What I'm supposed to be doing <-----------, comparing and contrasting mythologies........)
A beautious madien with magic. Thats me *stands tall and looks like she has magic*
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DONE...............
11:03 AM
Sunday, May 19, 2002
Pieces of Soul- My poetry blogger
Morning Sunshine- Duh!!! Analise's blogger
Dead Journal- Celeen's Blogger
Yeknom- Ricky's Blogger
Crazy Beautiful- A wonderful blogger that I started randomly reading one day
Maybe God Is Always Angry- This guy is the most sarcastic guy in the world!!! I love it!!!
All done............
1:15 PM
Well, I got it, and I didn't get it. I'm the drum capitan and I'm field commander. They made a whole new office for me!!! Basically I'm a the number one drummer who stops and directs part of the time. I'm excited. Rose Anne and I are going to have so much fun, we're going to kick ass together. I'm excited. Oh, lol, Rose got drum major, if you didn't notice *giggles* Yeah, so, anyways........
I had the most wonderful conversation with Analise last night when I got back from the banquet. We've decided we're going to the rainforest, and the beach, and the lake, and some place with sand, cause we both like places with sand. *Laughs* So thats added to my to do list for when we're really together. *Starts saving money now* Lol, we'll see, we'll see.
Finally heard from my mommy and daddy. They're good.
I'm good. I'm tired but good. I have to go do jobs in a minute, so I'm trying to stall. Not working very well cause I know I have to do them. Oh poo.............. At least I'm getting payed.
Ricky, I haven't been on in the past week because I've had drum major tryouts, drum capitan tryouts, drum line tryouts, drum line practice, NHS inductions, band banquet, an AP test, a band concert, my class trip and all of the homework that comes with missing two days of school to extracurriculat activites. 10 seperate things that each take like 3 hours of my life each. Then I do this thing called school and this thing called sleep. I don't do that very often, but when I do, I do it for an extended period of time. Its nothing personal, I'm just super busy. Cause guess what? I'm MULTI-TALENTED GIRL. Exciting, is it not?
Off to clean house and feed my circus of animals. I just hope they don't eat me first.................
Love you sweetheart, I'll call you later today, I know you have to study but we can still talk for a little. Love to all.
9:13 AM
Saturday, May 18, 2002
Hello Bob Dole. How are you doing today? I'm quite fine thank you. *Grins a big meniachal grin* *shakes head at spelling* I'm honored that you've chosen to frequent my blogger and to tell everyone at school. I'm only concerned with the fact that you haven't said anything to me in two years. You share my life story with all, but don't have a part in my entrical soap opera existance. Maybe its time you joined in, so try talking to me. I swear I won't bite you and that I won't molest you. Hahaha. Trust me, that won't be happening, theres only one girl for me, so don't you worry about that. Trust me, I'm not all that scary, in fact a lot of people like me, so trust me, I won't kill you. Anyways, have a great day.
Now, back to the rest of my entrical soap opera existance. Yesterday was weird. I spent the entire day fighting my attraction to various girls, well specifically Analise, Rose Anne and Yvonne. I wish I could kiss one of them, one in particular, but I could pretend the other two were Sunshine. But anyways, it got particuarly bad during AP theory when I was "helping" Rose with her algebra. I really wanted to help her, to make her feel better. Nathan, the guy she's in love with, is an ass and is ignoring her. She's in charge of Band Banquet and is stressed about that, and add to that the fact she's not doing all that great in class and you get a nervous wreck. I wish I could help. I wish I could hold her, because when someone holds you it makes you feel better, it gives you a sense of security. She needs to be held so badly, and the one she wants won't. What an ass.
Anyways, after school and before drum line tryouts, I was feeling so weird and desperate that I decided to break things off with Analise. I was amazed that it didn't shock the shit out of me. Usually, when I think idiotic things like that, I go into shock. I didn't this time. Scary.
Drum line went either ok or great, I can't decide which. I started out on center snare and stayed there for a long long time. Then they took me off and had me stand on the side. Then they put me back in at center. Then they took me out. And then it ended. So I'm guessing that they were trying to decide if the drumline could survive without me. I hope they decided that the drum line could. *Praying* Hopefully.
After that I headed to the middleschool cafeteria to set up for band banquet. Did that for awhile, calming down Rose, helping her do all the decorating, making people laugh and threatening to do karoke. They were scared, very scared. Then Rose took me to Levels to get cupcake mix and then she took me home. We were sitting in the car and the words I've been thinking for the past few months burst from my lips. "Rose, I just want you to know that you are one of the kindest, most amazing, wonderful people I have ever met, and that if Nathan can't see that, well he's blind. You are a great person and if I could date you, I would. And now I'm going to leave," gets back pack stuck on door and pens fall out of purse, "as I look like a complete idiot," lots of laughing from both, I trip. From Rose, "Thanks Bop." "Hahaha, you're not an idiot, bye." Lots of waving. Yeah, I felt stupid. Still do. Oh well........
I got home and called Analise, she wasn't there. Called again, wasn't there. Called a third time, she was home but she was eating, call back in twenty minutes. I ate, then called back. We talked about breaking up, not being together. We both decided against it, however she decided not before I did, once again scaring me. We talk and flirt and think about the possibilty of her coming to my house, that very moment. We both wish..... Yeah, but yesterday was weird. I have no clue what today will bring but hopefully it won't be as complicated *knocks on wood*.
Anyways, I don't have much else to write. Love to all. Analise I'm calling when I get home tonight, and it will be late, to tell you if I got it or not. Love you much, bye.
11:04 AM
Thursday, May 16, 2002
*Deep long sigh* I'm done with the test. Done with the class. FOREVER. Well, maybe not. After the test we sat in the band hall watching Amadaeus (shut up about the spelling!!!) and duh, its about Mozart. Some guy on there talked about wanting to write music, to create it for god, for the people, for himself, for his soul. I want to do that. I LOVE music. I don't know if I can feed my love and children on writing music, but I want to. Maybe I could conduct the symphony. Maybe I could write scores for movies. Maybe I should learn to compose.........
I've figured out the whole, I'm in love with Donna thing. Wait a minute lol, I was in love with Donna thing. Not anymore. But anyways, I was in love with her, she was the girl of my dreams for a couple months there, then we lost touch. But I was in love with her. Then at bi-regi, things were kind of weird and standing there was a beautiful, amazing girl whom I like to call Sunshine. She stole the heart Donna didn't even know she had, and wisked it away for keeps. Or at least I hope so. But, yeah, I was in love with Donna. *sighs* It kind of scares me, well not scares, but maybe intrigues me, that love can be so short lived. We all grew up with the idea that true love was forever. And ever. And ever. True love is relative. Love is relative period. *Sighs* The truth of life is so complex........
I don't know if Analise and I are going to make it. The distance, and that thing I don't know how to describe and is right on the tip of my tongue, that is what is going to make us fall apart. I just don't think we're going to make it. And Ricky, if this makes you happy, well whatever, but it makes me very sad. I want to make it with this girl. She wants to make it with me.
This song made me think a couple months ago, when she still wanted both of us. I just wondered who was saying goodbye, him or me. Or both.
Long Goodbye
Brooks and Dunn
I know they say if you love somebody,
You should set them free.
But it sure is hard to do.
It sure is hard to do.
I know they say if you don't come back again,
Then it's meant to be.
Those words don't pull me through,
'Cos I'm still in love with you.
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle.
But it's just you and me goin' through the mill.
climbin' up a hill.
This is the long goodbye.
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can't make it,
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try,
I always make you cry.
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it.
All that's happening here is a long goodbye.
Sometimes I ask my heart did we really,
Give our love a chance? (Just one more chance.)
But I know without a doubt,
We turned it inside out.
And if we walked away,
It would make more sense?
But it tears me up inside,
Just to think we could still try.
How long must we keep running on a carousel?
Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere,
On a wing and prayer.
This is the long goodbye.
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can't make it,
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try,
I always make you cry.
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it.
All that's happening here is a long goodbye.
Long goodbye
Long goodbye.
All of it doesn't ring true right now, with our relationship, but this verse still makes me think...
This is the long goodbye.
Somebody tell me why,
Two lovers in love can't make it,
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try,
I always make you cry.
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it.
All that's happening here is a long goodbye.
Goodbye? I don't know. Thats what I was thinking about last night when I talked to her. For that first ten or twenty minutes. But then I stopped thinking and started talking and making her laugh and giggle and started acting silly. And I was, am, so deeply in love. I don't want to say goodbye.
2:53 PM
AP TEST. AP TEST. AP TEST. AP TEST. AP TEST. AP TEST. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Attempting to breathe* I've got the AP Music Theory test today and I'm soooooo nervous. I was even nervous in my sleep. I'm going to do just fine though, I'm going to pass and maybe even make a 4. A 4 is my goal. Maybe. Then I've got the band concert tonight. *STRESS* *Breathing* Wish me luck.......
6:20 AM
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
Vanessa, you're going to have to settle for a mildly not sad post today. I'll do a happy one later lol.
Went to Six Flags yesterday for the class trip. If you pass the evil, meniacal TAAS test at my school you get to go to Six Flags. So exiting, aye? So I hung out with Cassie, Marlina, Melissa, Ashley, Josh, Andrew, Lorretta, and Donovan. Spent all day halfheartedly flirting with one of the girls, who was conciously flirting back. She knows I know shes bi, but she doesn't want anyone else to know so I won't say anything. I flirted a little with Donovan too. He is an amazing person, just has an amazing mind. I LOVE amazing minds. I happen to be in love with one right now *teehee*. Anyways, at the beginning of the day, Josh wouldn't even look at me and by the end, he looked me in the face and told me that he would see me later, that made me happy. WE DID THE SKY COASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know that thing where you put on like a body suit thing and they put you together with a couple of your friends then you get pulled up like a hundered feet and then you swing? Yeah, I did that. Its my second time but it was just as exilarating as the first. Marlina and Cassie did it with me. We had a blast.
So, drum major try outs. I was perfect except for I messed up on my pattern on 4/4 once. I'm going to be the best damn drum capitan there ever was. I'm almost sure of it, Rose Anne will get drum major, I'll get drum capitan, and I'll wish like hell I hadn't helped her so much. I didn't do anything amazing when helping her, I'm not claiming that, but I made her fill out the papers, practice, get help from our old drum major, and on and on. I was just being a friend. But then again, its not personal is it? Its buisness. Yeah, well, I was to friendly. I love her to death though, shes one of my best friends. I just wish we could be drum major together. That would be the best, but of course, there's only going to be one drum major next year. *Tears for me* And because the drum line is undisiplined and so young, I don't get to be drum major. Not because I suck, but because they suck. Dang it. Maybe next year...........
School bad..... Sleep good....... School bad....... Sleep good.......... I wanna go back to bed...........
Of to school. Love to all.
Analise, can I call you tonight?
6:44 AM
Monday, May 13, 2002
God, its been awhile since I posted. In fact, it's been awhile since I've been ungrounded....... Well, here it goes..............
Saturday I woke up to get ready for the peace rally and was ready to go. I told my mom five minutes before we had to leave that we needed to leave. She made me ten minutes late. I got pissed off, she got pissed off, she has the power of grounding me so she did. Chalk up one more day. I got to church and was completely depressed. The girls, Lauren, Meagan, Natalie and our sponsor Cheryl, cheered me up partly on the drive and I cheered the rest of the way up when I saw Donna. I'm happy for her. She had been in a long distance love relationship with this guy named Ian who never really responded back to her love, or at least thats how I percived it. Anyways, she is now with a girl named Amelia, but NOT the one from YOU. I did see that Amelia there on Saturday, the YOU one. So, yeah, anyways, I'm happy for Donna, she deserves someone wonderful. Analise, I still need to talk to you about Donna stuff...... So, the rally was great, got a bunch of new friends from other religions and a lot of new info about creating peace in the world and our lives. I liked it a lot!!! The Dallas chapter did a great job. So then I came home, fell asleep in the massage chair at like 7:30 and then went to sleep in my bed when my parents woke me up.
Tada, mother's day. Tada, everyone fighting and screaming and Rebecca curled up on the couch crying bitter tears. I couldn't take anymore negativity yesterday, I was chock full. We celebrated my little bro's birthday yesterday too, cause he's going to be in Europe with my parents on his b-day. Anyways, they were opening gifts and didn't tell me, so I was on the computer writing my lesson with my headphones on. Suddenly Zack pops up, all in my face with this singing hamster. I screamed, he screamed, my mom screamed, "No computer or phone." I'm like damn it. I get upset, go to my room and cry, but not only cause I can't talk to Analise today, but because I'm hurting so much inside. Its like when a pool of water is almost overfilled but not quite, then a single drop makes water fly out of the pool everywhere. I've got so much emotion built up inside of me that it just overfilled yesterday. So I cry for about ten minutes in my room, come out and try to print my lesson. Printer refuses to work, I go back to my room and cry in frusteration. Download lesson on a disk. Go to church, along the way my mom and I fight. Get to church, get a wonderful present from Vanessa that made me cry because I knew that somebody out there loves me, lead lesson super depressed and everyone notices, talk to Shands by the new fountain in the garden, drum, go home, fighting all the way. Get home, cry on bed, move to living room, cry on big yellow chair, Zack fights with mom, dad and mom leave to go to movies while screaming at us, they come back as Ben drives up, everyone gets in car, pretends to be nice as we go to Subway to eat, then to the movie theater to see Spiderman, get back in car, come home, mow yard even though its so dark I can't see, do homework, lie in bed with Analise's present, miss her like crazy, attempts to sleep....... And thats my horrible mothers day/lil bro's b-day. Sounds like fun?
Yeah, so now I'm off to school. Love to all. 11 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5:53 AM
Friday, May 10, 2002
I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed. Analise, if you want to talk tonight, call the 0017 number. I'll answer then get online. If not, whatever. I have that day rally thing in Dallas tomorrow. Yay for waking up early on weekends. I hate my life. Goodnight.
10:09 PM
Why did he leave me? What didn't I do right? What could I have done better? I tried, I tried so hard to help him. And hes gone. Its like he's dead, like he's Sonya and he's gone all over again. And I'm alone. I'm at fault, again. What could I have done? Anything? I don't know. I don't know.
Josh won't talk to me. He doesn't look at me. Its like there was never anything between us, like we had never been best friends, like there had never been hugs or smiles or even mild friendliness. Its like I don't exist. It hurts. So bad. And he's still talking to Lyssa. He's still talking to her, even though his parents said not to. And he stopped talking to me. Am I that easy to let go of? Am I that meaningless to him? Did I ever matter? Was I ever his best friend? Ever anything more than an aquantiance? Was I just some idiot he found along the way and used for awhile? What am I? Worthless? Helpless? Hopeless? It seems that I am.
What am I supposed to do? I want to help, but he won't talk to me, he won't look at me, he carefully avoids using my name in conversations with others and even changes the subject when someone else says my name. Am I some kind of virus or something? Some dreadful thing that shouldn't be spoke of? Were we ever friends? Or was I just clinging on what I thought was friendship, like I always do? Is it ok for me to be crying now, or should I just ignore all of this? Chin up, keep on marching against the tide? How? I am alone in Joshua. No one to hold me, friend or lover. No one to help, they just don't understand. They don't want to listen or they say all the wrong things. No one lets me just speak like on this. But this isn't even a person, not a friend, not a foe, not alive and caring. I am talking to a robot damn it. Why can't I have someone to help? Why can't someone want to listen? Why can't I get help? Why did he leave me? Why? What did I do? Why? It hurts so bad, so so bad. I'm crying. I've been crying since before I posted this. Why? Why? Why? I can't ask why. I can't ask what I am to him. I can't ask for a hug and a decent goodbye. All I get is his ice and bitterness. All I get is nothing. Nothing. To get absoultly nothing out of a person who you used to get so much. Ouch. Ow owowowowowowow. I want to curl up and cry. I want to sleep and make it go away. Why won't it go away? Now here's the need for Analise rising, why? Its useless. All of this between her and I. We can't be there for each other, we can't help each other. So why do I love her so god damned much? Why did that even pop out of my mouth? Why is it even relavant? Why the hell can't I spell? I am so desperate for a hug. For someone to lay my head on they're lap and have them pet my hair while I cry. Not for me. Not now, not for two years. The only one here that I could do that with won't talk to me. All the others live hundreds of miles away. I want to paint it over. Paint it over. Hello, I lied I read it with Josh. About a gay boy who falls in love with a girl, has love with her, and then goes back to his gay lover. Hello, he lied. I was never anything. Nothing special. Nothing wonderful. Nothing that mattered. Hello, I'm nothing. Hello, I'm crushed. I'm hurting with no help. Paint it over. Just keep painting it over. We've spilled the wine glass Josh. Its toppled over and spilled my tears as you turn your back. Icarus has flown to high to that sun and is tumbling down. The falconer has shot his falcon. Why am I writing to him? Its not like he cares, not like he'll read this. Oh god I wish he could read this. I wish he could understand and care what I'm feeling. I wish he wanted to talk to me. I wish someone could get on that could help me. Anyone wanna make out? Anyone care to physically touch me, tell me I'm good, I'm ok? Hug me and let me cry? No. No one. Ouch.........
I got grounded during the hour of weeding. I'm going to post this and maybe continue writing, maybe play some games to keep me from thinking. I have no phone tonight, so if any of you that know the both of us and read this, could you please call her and tell her I need her tonight? I would apprecaite that. I'm probably staying on for awhile..............
9:30 PM
Long day..... Not a bad day, but a long one.......
Last night Analise and I had a semi fight. I don't think either of us were mad at each other, we were just frusterated at our inability do things. Her to express her love and me being so god damned dependant on her. I just need to know that she feels the same way that I do, that I'm not the only one who is head over heels and breathless. I don't need her to express it in a huge way, I just need to know that I'm not the only one hugging pillows wishing it was her, not the only one can't keep their mind on school work because someone said something that remind them of the other, that I'm not the only one who wants us to hold and caress each other in the most fantastic ways imaginable. I love her.........
Josh refuses to talk to me now because his parents forbad him to speak to me. His parents also forbad him to speak to Lyssa. He talked to her the ENTIRE lunch period. Talk about a smack in the face......
AP theory test next week. Drum major try outs next week. Drum capitan try outs next week. Drum line try outs next week. NHS initation next week. Band banquet next week. Six Flags class trip next week. Completly, totally exhausted next week. I don't even want to start it......
Analise is going to see a movie, I think, and I'm staying at home and weeding. How fun. I was going to go to see Spiderman with a bunch of my friends but I had to mow the lawn. Now the lawn is to wet to mow and now I have to put up with my mom for an hour of weeding. SHOOT ME NOW. Thanks, I appreciate it.
I have a day rally at the Dallas chapter this weekend. I'll get to see Donna, and that'll be great, tell her about how Analise and I are doing. I wonder if she even knows we're together........
Anyone want to listen to something slightly weird and a little scary? I think, maybe, at one point, I was in love with Donna. WHAT??? Those of you that know the both of us might ask. Well, I'm going to talk to Sunshine about it and then I'll write more. Have fun wondering......
Gotta go weed....... *tears for me*......
Analise, I'm trying to call you at ten and at ten thirty, please be home.......
7:15 PM
Thursday, May 09, 2002
I really wish the archives would post.......
I've had a long exhausting day. I woke up, wrote a lot of horrible stuff, a crabby e-mail that was supposed to be sweet to Analise, went to school, lost my best friend, found out I have an ass load of make up work, had an hour and a half drum major practice, an hour drum practice and now I'm home. And I'm tired. And sad. And I want someone to give me a hug. I'm getting off at nine and I'm talking to Analise. I need to really bad. I'm tired...........................
8:42 PM
You know why I say what I do? I say it because its the truth. Because you need to affirm in your life that you're over her and that she loves me and not you. Because without that affirmation, you'll never be over her. IT'S TRUE. She is in love with me. We are together. She wants me. How many more ways does it have to be said? I don't want to fight with you. I just want this to be over. The last couple weeks I haven't talked to you I have been almost unstressed. Last night, talking to you for five minutes, I was ready to punch you in the face. I seem to have no patience with you. Damn it. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah paper about being patient blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I have to find some god damned way to deal with you without blowing your head off. If not I'm hypocrytical. Damn it. I really just don't want to deal with you, with your anger. All you do is scream at me, push me away, degrade my girlfriend. You don't listen, you don't even try to be nice. You say hi and then you start accusing me of everything. How am I supposed to like you? How am I supposed to deal with someone like that? Could someone, anyone, besides you because you'll just say I'm wrong and I'm not, tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do? I just want him to stop harrassing Analise and stop randomly screaming at me for no reason. Unfortuanatly, I can't stop talking to him because he'll harrass Analise more about it and then I would be hypocrytical. But then who wants to talk to someone who starts fights with them EVERY time you talk to them? Bah humbug. Yeah yeah, I sound mean, yeah yeah, I know, yeah yeah, guess what? I feel mean. I feel like cussing the boy out and never ever talking to him again. But I can't, and I won't, and I bet you anything he uses what I'm writing against me. Well screw him. ARGH. I'm supposed to be an enlightened spiritual person. I'm supposed to remember my morals. I'm supposed to be nice to everyone. Damn it. I don't want to be nice, he's making my life hell. I don't get to talk to Analise without him calling her every three minutes to see if we're off the phone. I have to say goodbye to her after ten minutes of talking cause his feelings are hurt and she has to talk to him. I want to talk to my girlfriend damn it. I want to speak to her everyonce in a while. It would be nice considering thats the extent of our relationship and it has been for six months. Bah humbug.
*Feeling so angry and up tight that its impossible to describe* Not a good feeling............
7:07 AM
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
*Trying to publish archives for Donovan.....*
9:43 PM
AAAaaaahhhaaaaAAAaaaahhhhhaaaAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... Ok, now I'm all better *SMILES BIG FORCED SMILE*
So whats happenened since I last posted? Well, actually posted one that wasn't just a passing on message........
Wellllllllllll in short, Josh ceased to be a zombie and is now just a poor beaten boy, I went to prom, went to church, on Monday I had school awards, Tuesday drum major practice and athletic awards, today drum practice and school and the wonderful *monthly visitor*............... I was SOOOOOoooOOOO excited, let me tell ya......
So now in long, Josh. He told me on Friday that he doesn't know what he is, that he's just going right now and thats all he can take. I gave him a big hug. He keeps acting like everyone is going to kick him. I swear I won't let it happen, they have a problem with him, they have problem with me and the rest of his five billion other friends. I just hope people aren't asses ALL the time at Joshua, I don't know, it seems like it....
PROM!!! Awesome, fun, great...... I could go on. I wore a long baby blue dress, painted my nails, wore high heels, had my hair done, wore the smallest bit of makeup, and looked very nice. I kind of liked it but I hated all the time it took me to do it. I don't understand that about women and I am one... I'm waiting for my dad to upload the pics and send them to me so I can send the to Sunshine. I'm kind of worried that she'll like me better all prissed up then my normal jeans and a t-shirt self. Seriously, I'm not that kind of girl, even dressing up a little makes me extremly uncomfortable. I like being the strong looking girl that looks at the girls with the make up, thats more of me lol......
Church was cool, we had it with the Uniteens and it was a little weird but still all good.
Monday was cool. I bonded with this guy name Donovan (dear god I hope I spelled his name right lol). We have mythology together and the boy is a genius. Probably one of the top five smartest people I have ever met. I have NO idea who the other four are, but I guess it sounded good lol. Anyways, we hung out a lot on Monday and he even sat next to me during the awards even though we were supposed to be in alphabetical order and hes a Sneed and I'm a Williams. It was a blast. I got the mythology medal and a top 5% award (a big blue comfy sweater) and the A/B Honor role. Donovan got 10 awards that I can't exactly name because the list is so huge. Only two people beat him in number of awards- Josh and our senior Valdictorian Amanda Ellis, one of my best friends in the world. Haha, I hang out with smart people!!! YAY....... Anyways, I took a great pic with all of my friends, well some of my friends, well a couple of them, and I'm going to try and post it on here when I try the prom ones too. Yeppity yep yep......
Tuesday was ok, not anything bad or anything good. It just happened to be. I'm probably not going to be drum major, my life long goal. It hurts a little but I'll be drum line capitan and I'll play some killer beats so I'll smile anyways. And I'll be center snare (aka, best snare on the line). *Jumps and clicks heels halfheartedly* Anyways, I got MVP at the awards banquet for soccer. That was kind of exciting, I was expecting it, but it felt good to affirm my hope. *claping for Becca*
School today was fine except the aching in my back that made impossible to think. Periods suck. BIG TIME. Vanessa is a goddess. Just FYI. Thought you should know. Drum practice was ok. Lord of the Flies kicks major booty. Good book.
ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER. anger. Some things are just better left not dealt with at all. If I was in Austin I would have probably been in a fist fight today. *trying to breath and calm down but not working*
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh............ *deep relaxed breath* She is almost like a drug. Just talking to her and knowing she loves me make everything better. Worries wash away. I love that girl................
9:35 PM
Monday, May 06, 2002
Please post......
1:47 PM
Yeah, sorry about that, the thing wouldn't post before so that one is reallllllllly old. Yeah so anyways......
Sorry Ricky, I got grounded again, I wanted to talk to you and its my fault. Sorry.
Yeah, I'm grounded until Tuesday, but thank god for school and computers!!!! Yep yep.
Sweetheart, why be any but yourself? If you weren't you, you wouldn't have me. Think about that, I mean if you love me so much and you value my opinion so much then listen to me on this one. I worship the ground you walk on. You are amazing and sweet and gorgeous. There is not another being on this earth that gives off the glory of your light. You don't have my leadership skills, no one does, only me. Each and everyone of us are gloriously different. You don't have my leadership skills, but hell girl, you're a kick ass swimmer. No, you aren't the best swimmer in the world, I'm not the best leader in the world, but that doesn't mean you aren't amazing. It just means that you're growing and that you'll get better and become even more breathtakingly wonderful. Gosh, if I worship the ground you walk on now, I wonder what I'll be doing when you keep getting so much better. I think I'll have to ask you to come to Hawaii with me......
Gotta go, love you all.........
11:37 AM
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
*sighs* patience, right? trying again......
9:43 PM
*sighs* patience, right? trying again......
9:43 PM
*grrhhhhhhh* the damn things won't post......
9:39 PM
Well, today wasn't all that bad......
I was ten minutes late for band because of writing todays previous post. Played some rockin' percussion music, I even have a tom solo. Its exciting.
Mentor was boring and uneventful
So was World Myth. Mrs. Snyder wasn't there so we had a sub and we played Presidents and Assholes the entire period. I love that card game.
We took that new replacement for the TAAS test in English, Josh was absent.
Spanish was boring.
I GOT A CONFERENCE SPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, so, so excited. I get to go to Unity Village again before the conference ceases to be there. Cheryl said I wrote an excellent paper. YAY!!!
I miss Analise. Of course I miss Analise, I ALWAYS miss Analise. I don't know what I'm going to do for the next two years. That is assuming that she and I will be together for that long. I mean thats what I want but things change, so we'll see what happens. It makes me so sad to think that I can't hold her, that I don't know her as well as I'd like to. I mean, think about it, we are missing the most important part of a relationship besides love, the being together part. I don't just mean the physical making out or holding hands part. I mean the seeing each other in every day life. I have no idea how she would react to anything, no idea what she looks like when she's being tickled, no idea what she tastes like or feels like. This is so hard for me. I want to hold the girl so badly. I don't know how we'll manage two years of this.......
I don't like Braveheart...... The sounds coming from the tv across the room are giving me chills, not to mention the fact that its moving the walls because my dad has the volume turned up all the way....
What if she isn't what I think she is? What if we're both just caught up in what we think the other is? What if I'm not what she wants? How do we tell this? God, we never get to see each other, NEVER get to talk face to face. What if we spend two years talking on the phone and writing e-mails only to find that it will never work? It scares me sometimes. I love the girl, I do, but what happens if I ever don't? Why am I freaking out about this? I think its my deprivation of sleep...................
My girl went to call Ricky. I wish she would hurry up and get on here because I wanna talk to her before I'm to exhausted to stay awake................
9:38 PM
please just post......
7:21 AM
*Sighs* Yesterday was a long day. When I got to school Josh refused to talk to me and continued in his akward silence for the rest of the day. The van we were supposed to use had something wrong with it and we had to wait for an hour and a half to get it back. The JFK musem was boring as hell, considering I've already been there eight years ago and it hasn't changed since. The Pulitzer Prize picture exibit on the seventh floor was quite amazing. I'm going back and I'm taking my mommy with me because that was so amazing. We ate at On The Border and it was ok, I guess its a good resteraunt but I don't really like mexican food. We walked down to the Grassy Knoll, wher JFK was killed, just fyi, and then back to the van where I sat in the front with Ms. Campbell again. I ruled over the stereo which made some people quite mad for I was listening neither to sad songs nor rap songs and Ms. Campbell had already vetoed (sp) country. Ms. Campbell amazed me. She named EVERY song and EVERY artist that came on the radio. When we got home I aplauded her. Yes, I know, I stink at spelling.....
The symphony was beautiful and magical and it made me want to play music forever. Fortunatly, that wore off by the time I got home. Betoveen's Ninth (I know, I know...) was brillant. A wonderful statement on the eventual brotherhood of man. *Muah* It was PERFECT. The timpanist was absoultely amazing. She played with such fluidity and passion that I sat there the entire time just watching her. After the concert I tried to find her to tell her how absoultely marvolous she was but, alas, I did not find her.
Javiar and Matt harranged me again on the way home. "Thats real GAY man. Real GAY." "No its not man, its real BI, real BI." *Contorted pig like chuckles coming from the back seat* Ok, maybe not pig like but still...... And then it was "Mike, did you say Mike?" "Mike? I didn't say Mike." "Oh, did you mean she's a DYKE?" And a little later, *Coughing and then in a high pitched voice* "Oooooh Becca....." Matt had offered me a ride home because he lives like a block from my house and I had accepted while we were still at the Myerson. When we got about 20 min away from home I called my dad to pick me up. And YES, it was on purpose.
Josh spent all day hanging all over our friend Lyssa. Lyssa happens to be engaged and is actually getting married next year. Josh was trying so hard to act straight that he was acting unbearably gay. It made me mad......
Josh is all but dead. Our laughter is past and our smiles have drifted away. He will either now ignore me or try desperatly to save me. Like I need saved from the clutches of a beautiful woman? No, I need no savior but Sunshine herself, and as I am a person of great strength, I only need a savior when times are desperate and I am once again alone in this pit of shit named Joshua.
I hope you all do realize that I am a writer and that even on here I do write what sounds good. The pit of shit named Joshua part, while not completly untrue, is a fabrication of writing technique in which I decided to exercise my mind. Most things aren't as bad as I make them out to be, though the post before this was no where close to what I was feeling. God, I'm feeling semi-intelligent today...........
I'm now off to attend the pit of shit's school system in which people of a gender other than male, people that are different racialy, spiritualy, physicaly, sexually are discriminated against. I am off to be ignored by my once best friend turned zombie, off to be harrassed by ignorants. I am really spiting fire today, now aren't I?
*Sighs a longer, sadder sigh* I should be better than to think, feel, write something like that. Accept, love, forgive. Maybe someday..................
I love you all. Thanks for your love and encouragement. Thank you.
Analise, I miss you and I love you, but..... this distance hurts terribly. I really wish you were here. I need you now and yet you are still three hundred miles and twenty three days away. If only I could shorten distance and speed up time. If only I could be the girl next door for you and we could kiss every night. If only, I wish, yada yada yada. Sentimentalism is getting me no where. I need you Sunshine....
Thank You. Come Again.
7:21 AM
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