A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
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Sunday, August 18, 2002
I'm sitting here waiting for my mom to be done with the phone so I can finish my english project. I should probably be doing bio, but that's not due until later this week so it doesn't matter as much.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my world the past couple days. Love, attraction, the physical, the mental, friendship, how I feel about Analise, Donovan, Erin, Casey, Chris, Josh and Ricky. About how much I want those people involved in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking of abolishing anyone from *Becca land*, its just that things are changing and I'm wondering how much of me I need to give to each, or really how much I want to give to each.
Relationship wise, well, I'm a little confused. I want someone that I can have those special *romantic moments* with, but not someone who I'm tied down to. Not particularly because I want to date others, but just because of all of the energy and pieces of me that go into that kind of relationship, I'm simply tired. I want the physical and most of the mental and emotional, I just don't want it to weigh me down like it used to.
I want someone "better" than me. I feel like the majority of my life I've been bending down for relationships. That doesn't make sense. I feel like I've been the one who has to provide the entertainment, the seriousness, the feeling, the mood, the intelligence. I want someone as smart as me, some one as funny as me, someone who can get serious, someone who can make me laugh and think at the same time. I don't want to make me laugh, I want them to. I want to say this, I'm not trying to hurt feelings, but Analise and I knew that I was some, not all, of these things in our relationship. I knew that a lot of it was riding on how funny I could be, or how stable I could be in that moment. That was ok then, that was what we both needed, but now I need someone equal or better than me in those ways. God, I hope I'm not hurting feelings, I'm not meaning to at all. What she and I had was amazing and beautiful and it was some of the best moments in my life. It was a breathtaking feeling. If there was a chance to have it back, gosh, I would be so tempted, but its not, and I don't really want it to come back. I want to take some this time, take just as much as I give.
I am an amazing person. I am kind, nice, funny, considerate, smart and good looking. I am an amazing person. I've only realized that in the last few weeks, realized it and began to believe it. Now I know I am. Isn't that silly? It took me almost 17 years to figure out what all of my friends and close ones have known all along. Now, once again don't get me wrong, I realize I have numerous things to work on and to grow with, but even though I know I'm not done growing I know that right now and always I have been an amazing person. I love me and it makes me tear up when I finally say it and truly mean it.
People love me and I mean *love*. People like me and I mean *like*. Not everyone, not even close to everyone, but quite a few, I might even be hitting double digits. Its not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. Sometimes I find it funny, sometimes slightly depressing. I've had to tell three people this week that I'm not ready for a relationship with them this week. One of them I actually looked into their eyes when I said it. I don't like to hurt people, even though it wasn't a huge deal. This person isn't in love with me as far as I know, its just a small let down I hope. I don't like it though, I don't like hurting the people I can't be with right now. I can't be what everyone needs or wants me to be, but I will promise to always be a friend. I always want to hear from you when you have a problem or something amazing happens in your life. I want to be happy with you and I want to be sad with you. I'm a good friend and I always want to be that way.
I don't want to write for you anymore. So many people are reading this now, I just don't like the pressure to produce, I don't like not being able to write whatever the poo I want. I'm getting a new blogger, in fact I've already made it and posted once. Its not that I don't want to share me with you, it's just that to many people are getting in me, searching around and knowing. I just don't feel comfortable doing it anymore. This is something I need to do for me. I might give the address to a few people, but I want it to stay within those few, few people. Its nothing personal if you don't get it, please don't be offended. If you must, you can ask for the address, though I probably won't give it to you. I'm more likely to give it to someone I know inside out and someone that I don't know at all. Its those people in the middle that make me uneasy. I'm sorry.
I might post here every once in a while, though not as much as I used to. Even on the new blogger I won't post as much.
I feel kind of sad, a worn out, stretched, incomplete sad. Maybe not incomplete, I feel whole in myself, but not around me. Not like my house though, not like my family, but maybe in my relationships. So many things are changing. Life is changing. That's not bad at all, in fact it's a really good thing. But, it still makes me feel a little sad.
Last night I felt alone, really alone. I just want some closure on Analise and I. I want to discover something new and amazing. It doesn't have to be love, just something else.
I am happy at this time in my life, I really am. Right now I'm just thoughtful.
"That's when Analise loved me the best, when I was rambling." Something I said to Erin last night, after we had talked about *stuff* and made sure everything was ok. She said something about not being able to find some one like me, something about they didn't think out loud like I do. I love thinking out loud, it brings me such a great joy. I think that's what Analise fell in love with, my thoughtful ramblings. That was when she loved me the most.
I'm going to leave you with a song, one I'm very fond of. I hope you enjoy and I just hope that you know that I feel honored to have shared this time in my life with you. Its time for me to change, its time for me roll. Good bless, may you find wisdom in your journeys. I love you.
Rebecca
Mackenzie Phillips
Rebecca
Rebecca moves across the world
She’s a scirocco on the sand
She is the Nile that flows forever
Cutting a wound across the land
She’ll be your friend before you know her
She’ll have your trust before it’s earned
But like any nomad she will wander
Breaking the hearts of all concerned
History clouds what we remember
The one you wanted her to be
Mystery shrouds her like an island
But it’s an island in a lonely sea
Oh, Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca
I was thirteen going on forty
Wasting my summer on the beach
Burned on the outside, raw in the middle
That Molly’s just too hard to reach
But Rebecca moved in, she moved me
The best friend I’d ever had
And then one day she went away
Didn’t think I’d ever feel that bad
Where did you go?
Why did you lie?
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
How ‘bout the promise
That you made me?
Was it really so easy to trade me
For another town
Another friend
Another beginning without any end…
So many times I would’ve called you
If I’d had your number in my hand
You were the one I would’ve turned to
When things didn’t go the way I’d planned
I never got a chance to tell you
Things didn’t go the way I’d planned...
History clouds what I remember
The one I wanted her to be
Mystery shrouds her like an island
Does she still remember me?
My life is like a turnstile
So many strangers passing through
There’ve been more than I can number
But I still remember you
Oh, Rebecca
Oh, Rebecca
10:55 PM
Saturday, August 10, 2002
Yes, I am alive, however, I am exahusted...
I have been so totally wiped for the last two or three months, I really need to get some sleep, but first, some writing.
I miss Analise a lot. I miss being able to think about her, I miss talking to her. I miss having a bad day but then suddenly remebering that a special girl loves me. I miss being able to fill myself with her love, even from a distance, and know that my prescence is truly missed. I want some closure on this thing soon, real soon.
I have someone who I like, who I really want to date. I'm afraid that this person won't want to date me, and that if they did, I would hurt someone else by dating them. I don't want to hurt feelings, and though this may sound concieted *I'm sure it does*, for some crazy reason a lot of people have decided that I'm the one for them or that they really want to date me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but this one person is calling out to me, whether they know it or not. I just want someone to hold me and to want to be held by me.
There is this one freshman girl who is gorgeous, well, maybe not gorgeous, but very pretty. The only thing is I think she's a cheerleader reject or she quit for some reason. She seems very clickish and vally girl like to me. *BAD SIRENS GO OFF* No girl like that for Becca. Plus the fact that she rolls her eyes at me while I'm teaching her how to march kind of turns me off.
I can't look at Analise's picture anymore, it hurts to think that at one point that smile was meant IN love and now its only for love. I'm ready for it to be over but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I think of her. Oh well................
I'm wiped, band camp is really draining. I'm heading off to bed.
If anyone randomly feels moved to climb into bed with me and snuggle, feel free, friendly or *friendly* snuggling welcome.
Night night.
I'm so stinking weird....................
10:01 PM
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
I feel weird inside. Analise and I are so edgy around each other. I wish we could just act like we're ok with each other. I'm ok with her, not that I don't miss her, but I'm ok. It seems like there is this wall there. I just want to break through that wall, so that we can be ourselves to each other. I just want us to be who we are and enjoy each others prescence. God, I suck at spelling. Anyways, yeah, things could be better in that part of my life.
Last night I had an amazing conversation with Josh. It was life changing, at least for me. I really do love the boy, I really do.
I have crushes on a lot of people. I want to get out there, I want to do something. I want to experince a relationship with someone close to home. Someone I can hug and kiss, someone that can truly appreciate me and that I can truly appreciate. Don't get me wrong, my time with Analise was wonderful and amazing, but I want something more existant now. Something that isn't just wishes. I would love to have it with her, but she doesn't feel that way and even if she did, it would only be dreams and wishes, nothing real. I'm ready to move on.
A lot of the freshman in band are really pretty. The only thing is that they're freshman, I don't know if there is a single mature one in the whole bunch. Oh, lol, and I'm pretty sure they're all straight except for one of my drummers whos like a sister to me. Lol, nope, no band girls for Becca.....
I want to snuggle with someone, it feels so good!!! Anyone want to volunteer? Maybe? Please? Damn.
Lol.
I was supposed to be snuggling with someone right NOW, but, because I had to stay at the band hall two and a half hours later than I was supposed to, I'm not. Damn it, I could be kissing someone right NOW. It would feel so good.
I guess this might make me sound like a whore, or something like it. You may think what you want, I do not ask you not to judge. I have needed a physical for a year, denyed myself in the name of love and now in the name of love I seek it. Its what I need now, so think what you may my friends.
I'm really tired, I need to go to bed. I also need to talk to Vanessa to find out when she's coming up to Ft. Worth and Joshua.
Night night.
Good bless.
8:44 PM
Monday, August 05, 2002
dabopgk: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mighty Vorsh: Yay?
dabopgk: i don't know, i made him think
dabopgk: really think about it
The Mighty Vorsh: Who? Josh?
The Mighty Vorsh: About what? How?
dabopgk: josh
dabopgk: logic
The Mighty Vorsh: Do tell.
dabopgk: religious logic
dabopgk: i don't konw
dabopgk: it just came pouring out of me
dabopgk: he sat there silently for the last couple minutes
dabopgk: i think he was crying
The Mighty Vorsh: You spoke?
dabopgk: yeah
The Mighty Vorsh: What did you say?
The Mighty Vorsh: What did he say?
The Mighty Vorsh: Tell me!
dabopgk: we argued about god, heaven, hell, i told him in the end that i just want him to be happy, that god wants him to be happy and that it doesn't matter how he is happy, if he is happy gay then thats fine and if he is happy straight thats fine i just don't want to be around him when i can tell he's lying, when i can feel his unease. It doesn't matter if he is happy with himself
dabopgk: he didn't say anything back
The Mighty Vorsh: I wish I could talk to him.
The Mighty Vorsh: I still have his phone number, even.
dabopgk: don't, hes talking to his parents, i'm sure
The Mighty Vorsh: I know.
dabopgk: oh god chris, he stopped spouting verses
dabopgk: he listened
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm glad.
The Mighty Vorsh: Do you know of a time he'd be in the house and his parents would be out of it?
dabopgk: i am so happy
dabopgk: i don't know
The Mighty Vorsh: I wish I could've been there.
dabopgk: me too babe
The Mighty Vorsh: I'd really like to talk to him.
dabopgk: call him
The Mighty Vorsh: What, now?
dabopgk: i don't know, maybe
The Mighty Vorsh: No, not now.
dabopgk: i am not sane at the moment, realize that
The Mighty Vorsh: *tickles you*
dabopgk: *laughs insaninly*
dabopgk: *spells badly*
The Mighty Vorsh: I want to laugh insanininily.
The Mighty Vorsh: ininininin
dabopgk: its fun!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mighty Vorsh: That makes me hopeful.
dabopgk: me too
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm still pessimistic, though.
dabopgk: this isn't the end
dabopgk: its a beginning
The Mighty Vorsh: I certainly admire you.
The Mighty Vorsh: God's not an easy foe to go toe-to-toe with. ^_^
dabopgk: we're still going to have to struggle through everything, through doubt, but we can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dabopgk: gods not my foe
dabopgk: hes my allie
dabopgk: ally
dabopgk: hahaha
The Mighty Vorsh: You crazy Christian. ^_^
dabopgk: not a christian
dabopgk: i'm just a spiritual person
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm a diest.
dabopgk: i'm no denomination
dabopgk: cool stuff
The Mighty Vorsh: I have an adversarial relationship with the Christian God. ^_^
The Mighty Vorsh: You probably never read Ghayste, huh.
dabopgk: nah
The Mighty Vorsh: It was my magnum opus on religion.
The Mighty Vorsh: I'm busy adapting it to be a comic book. ^_^
dabopgk: o?
dabopgk: hahaha, kick ass
The Mighty Vorsh: Wanna see some of the art for it?
dabopgk: sure
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/treasure=color.jpg <-- Saegrum "Sage" Morriv, the main character, as a young boy. He's a thief.
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/merialcolors.jpg <-- Costume sketch for Merial, a priestess.
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/kedrickface.jpg <-- Pretty, CG coloured pic of Kedrick Raven, a Templar (warrior priest, basically) and lifelong friend of Merial
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/ghaystedoodle2.jpg <-- Costume sketches for Kedrick and Rivin, a young boy with a mysterious secret
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/ghaystedoodle1.jpg <-- Costume sketches for Merial and Sage
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/slice.jpg <-- Pencil sketch of Slice, a fence, and an old friend of Sage
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/brothers.jpg <-- Sage and Rivin
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/sagepic.jpg <-- Sage, wearing a towel. A Valentine's day present from my artist. ^_^
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/waterfall-sage.jpg <-- Sage in a waterfall, another Valentine's day present
The Mighty Vorsh: http://meteo.rydia.net/AROH/art/catrivin.jpg <-- Lineart of Rivin, as a catboy. He's not a catboy in the comic. But you can, however, see how he's horrible deformed.
The Mighty Vorsh: I think that's all for now... ^_^
The Mighty Vorsh: Nifty, huh? ^_^
dabopgk: i like
The Mighty Vorsh: Isn't Sage a cutie? ^_^
dabopgk: dork lol
dabopgk: yes he is
The Mighty Vorsh: And Kedrick's kind of cute in that "I'm a hotheaded kid!" way. ^_^
dabopgk: silly boy
dabopgk: i've got to go to bed love
The Mighty Vorsh: See you later, Becca. It was nice talking to you. ^_^
dabopgk: right back at ya
dabopgk: nighty night
dabopgk: I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hiddenangellove: what what what!!!!????
hiddenangellove: what did you do?!?!?
dabopgk: Josh, my ex gay friend got online, and he walked up to my house and we had a three hour conversation
hiddenangellove: YAY!!!
dabopgk: i think i got him
hiddenangellove: i'm glad babe...so i'm assuming things went well then
dabopgk: YES
dabopgk: i am so happy
hiddenangellove: *hugs* i'm so happy for you hun
dabopgk: oh, god, i could cry for joy
hiddenangellove: thats great babe..are u guys going to be friends again then?
dabopgk: it doesn't matter, as long as he can love himself
hiddenangellove: well thats good, is he still denying himself?
dabopgk: i'm going to copy something on to here, maybe it'll make more sense
dabopgk: dabopgk: we argued about god, heaven, hell, i told him in the end that i just want him to be happy, that god wants him to be happy and that it doesn't matter how he is happy, if he is happy gay then thats fine and if he is happy straight thats fine i just don't want to be around him when i can tell he's lying, when i can feel his unease. It doesn't matter if he is happy with himself
hiddenangellove: wow
dabopgk: i wasn't talking tess
dabopgk: it just came out
dabopgk: the logical conclusions jumped out of my mouth
dabopgk: i connected everything as the words flew out
hiddenangellove: thats awesome becca, i'm really glad you finally said it all to him
dabopgk: i must have talked for an hour straight without failure
hiddenangellove: thats great
dabopgk: god, i am so excited and happy
dabopgk: yikes
dabopgk: ok
hiddenangellove: and whats even better is that he listened
dabopgk: breathing
dabopgk: yeah it is
dabopgk: wow
hiddenangellove: yeah hun deep breathes
hiddenangellove: lol
dabopgk: yay
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: i hope he really heard me
hiddenangellove: i do too hun, for your sake and for his
dabopgk: i hope that i can speak like that again some day
dabopgk: that i can teach someone, help someone
hiddenangellove: but you just have to let it be now, you've done all you can, love him and see his divinity....i'm sure y ou will babe, if you can do it once you can do it again
dabopgk: oh god, i have never felt so connected
hiddenangellove: *hugs*
dabopgk: *hugs back and laughs and cries*
hiddenangellove: it makes me happy to see you so happy becca :-)
dabopgk: me too *giggles*
hiddenangellove: aww hehe
hiddenangellove: your so cute
dabopgk: it makes me happy to know that you're happy because i'm happy because he's thinking
dabopgk: hahahaha
hiddenangellove: lol
hiddenangellove: THAT wasnt confusing..but hehe i gotchya
dabopgk: *giggles*
dabopgk: that sounds like something you would say lol
hiddenangellove: lol *nods* yup
dabopgk: wow, i am amazing
hiddenangellove: *nods* yes yes you are
dabopgk: isn't it silly how some times we dont' believe that?
hiddenangellove: yeah it is
dabopgk: ok, check this
hiddenangellove: ok
dabopgk: i love people, and those people love other people, and those people love other people, and those people love other people. Everyone is loved by SOMEONE, even if by only one person. If we are ALL loved, and god IS love we are ALL GOD BECAUSE WE LOVE ALL!!!
dabopgk: god, i am SO saving thqat
dabopgk: that
dabopgk: lol
hiddenangellove: wow, your on top of the world right now babe, you go....thats awesome
hiddenangellove: !!
dabopgk: wow, holy shit
dabopgk: i'm crazy, in a good way lol
hiddenangellove: deep breath babe
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: gosh
hiddenangellove: :-D
dabopgk: i wish i could have recorded my self talking
dabopgk: i said so much
dabopgk: in so little
dabopgk: i even worked in the fact that words are dead lol\
hiddenangellove: thats awesome
hiddenangellove: lol
hiddenangellove: now theres a task
dabopgk: wow
dabopgk: what are we capable of?
dabopgk: everything
dabopgk: wow
hiddenangellove: :-)
hiddenangellove: your on such a high right now
dabopgk: yeah, this is different than rally hig
dabopgk: h
hiddenangellove: yeah
dabopgk: amelia, the regi my first year in YOU had this workshop about breaking through walls, in our lives, about conquring fears and living rally in the real world
dabopgk: she talked so continuesly, so divinly
hiddenangellove: *nods*
hiddenangellove: thats cool
dabopgk: i think i sounded like her tonight
dabopgk: wow, i must be boring lol
hiddenangellove: you sounded like YOU tonight
dabopgk: i mean in the sense that we were both divinly inspiried
dabopgk: or spelled right lol
dabopgk: we both spoke with the same passion
hiddenangellove: yeah
dabopgk: i know i sound a little crazy right now, but wait until you've had this kind of moment, you'll be just as crazy
dabopgk: wow
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: i've got to go to bed love, i'm gonna writein my journal for a long time
dabopgk: i love you
dabopgk: thank you for listening to me
hiddenangellove: ok babe...no problem it was so much fun
hiddenangellove: i'll ttys ok?
hiddenangellove: sleep well
dabopgk: night
hiddenangellove: what time is it there anyway?
hiddenangellove: love you
dabopgk: oh, its 11 20
dabopgk: you?
hiddenangellove: 12:20
hiddenangellove: :-)
dabopgk: go to sleep!!!
dabopgk: love you babe
dabopgk: night
hiddenangellove: lol
hiddenangellove: night
hiddenangellove: ditto
11:20 PM
Wow, I don't feel like writing. How amazing.
I am successful, I am loved, I am perfect, I am divine, I am deserving. I AM ME. I AM GOOD.
Just be, have no expectations.
Peace be still and know we are god.
Josh might actually still care about me.
Analise and I are just fine.
Life is good.
Band is great.
V and Daniel are coming to Joshua soon.
CONFERENCE WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:10 PM
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