A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
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Sunday, February 24, 2002
My dad is an asshole. A complete and utter asshole. He won't let me do a horrible, nasty job so that I can use the phone tonight. I am willing to go work three hours in the hot sun breaking apart our old fence just to talk to Analise for an hour tonight. I need to talk to her really bad. We were supposed to talk last night but she was amazingly tired after swimming so she just went to bed. And thats cool, I understand how it feels after a big race, or three like she had. I just really wanted to talk to her. I wrote her a poem that I want to read. I went and saw A Beautiful Mind last night. Great movie. The woman in it, I can't remember if her name is Alica or something else like that, but she was beautiful. Amazingly beautiful. And (duh) she reminded me of Analise. Specifically the part where she was looking at the paintings at the govener's house. That dress and how it fit her, the way she glided, the way she turned her head and looked into his eyes. I could see Analise on the last night of Conference, standing elegantly in her dress, smiling and laughing, making my heart flutter and take off in a wonderous flight of somersaults and curves. Damn. If I had only told her then. *sighs* Its ok, its gone, the moment has passed. I just have to open myself to the possiblity of another moment like that coming. I'll act on that feeling next time. I wish she would get home... You know sometimes I wonder if I am obsessing over nothing. If I am blowing my feelings for her out of proportion. But then I talk to her and realize that I have underestimated them yet again. I want to know how she feels about me. I want her to define it in some way. It doesn't have to perfect or exact. I just want to know if when she says I love you she means platonic love or in love. I just want to know somewhat where I stand. But its not like she hasn't told me, its like we haven't had time to talk and I can't seem to get it through this thick head of mine. Argh. I want her to get home. At least I can talk to her on aim.................
3:11 PM
Saturday, February 23, 2002
Hmmmmmmmm........................ Today has been a day of thought... About Analise, Ricky, my future, my choices, how they effect the people I love. Its kind of scary. Guess what??? Now you get to sit through me processing all of that thought!!! Fun stuff...
I was out scooping my pool and I was, of course, listening to music. The combination of the music and the pool made me think of Analise. The fact that she is swimming today at state and the fact that any song ever written about love ever written reminds me of her. Yeah, so, anyways, I was thinking about her and how much I want to see her. How I want to hold her. Scooping all of that shit out of the pool and trying to decide for myself where exactly I stand in her heart. That is really a futile search within myself. She is the only one to decide that. Anyways, I was wondering at the possibility of one day seeing her swimming in that pool, one day swimming with her, swinging on the swing in my backyard with her. I wonder if that will ever happen. If I want it to happen. I do want to do those things with her, but I don't want her to know my family. I don't want to have to confirm what I have told them about myself. That is hard to think about. At least now my dad can pretend he will walk me down the aisle someday, my mom can pretend that I will be pregnate someday. To tell you the truth, I can say that I don't really want to be involved with a man at all. I don't want to get married or be someone's pretty little girlfriend. I want to be the one who comforts, who holds the scared one in my arms. I want to be the knight. Not the beautiful princess. Well, I do want to be comforted, and held, and looked at as if I am beautiful, but not all the time. Thats why I would feel so much comfortable with a girl. Because sometimes I could be weak, sometimes I could fall, but then I could be strong, I could comfort her and wipe her tears away. Boys are pointless for me. Can't live with 'em, could definatly live without 'em. Its the princesses that get me.
That scares me. The fact that someday I will be with someone forever. A woman forever. We won't be able to have kids. We won't be able to things opposite sex couples can. In all seriousness, that trip to Europe with Sunshine could be a bad experience. We could get heckled and harassed. We could be miserable because we can't hold each other with out repercussions of hate. The kid thing scares me a lot. To never give birth, to never breast feed, to never hold a child and see yourself in them. Some how though, I am going to be a mommy. There are a couple options for me. I could adopt or I could have an artificial semintation. I am against the artificial semintation, I mean, why bring another kid into the world when there are some out there that need to be helped already? I want to adopt. But then how do I explain to my little girl that I am Prince Charming? That she has two mommys? What would she call us? Mom 1 and Mom 2? What about my little boy? How do I explain that I think that she's pretty too? How do I justify the fact that there isn't a daddy? That he doesn't have a father to take him to soccer, that he has to settle for me? How do I explain to them that on take your dad to school day no one can come for them? Is it worth it to put my children through the ridicule that they'll receive from their peers when they find out their mom has sex with a woman? Is it worth it to adopt? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I don't know. I want a little kid to take to soccer, to teach music too. But is it worth it? I don't know.
What about my parents? My brothers? I know that my mom and dad and Ben accept it. I haven't talked to Zack yet, he's still to young. I know they accept it but how will they feel at Christmas when I bring my life partner back with my adopted kids and they have their wives and their grandchildren? What will they think? Will it hurt them? Will it matter? What will my grandparents think? On my mom's side they will try to "cure" me to keep me from going to the hell I don't believe in. My dad's side will probably be okay with it after awhile, after all my uncle is gay. What about my friends? They're cool with it now, but what about when I'm holding Analise's hand at solo and ensemble? What then? I have always said I don't care what people think about me. I was lying. I care very much what the people I love think about me. Will I hurt them? Will I cause them more pain? I don't know. I just don't know.
I don't know what to do about my relationship with Ricky. Right now, in this moment, I'm not mad at him at all, not even frustrated. But when I talk to him I want to smack him. He annoys the crap out of me sometimes. Just the way he says some things, the way he pretends like its all my fault. Its not. A lot of this is not my fault. He says that I don't realize the damage I'm doing to everyone in Austin. Well, I can't do anything about it unless they tell me what I'm doing. I think he means the damage I'm doing to his relationship with Analise. I don't think I'm hurting Celeen and Vanessa and Amber and Daniel and everyone else with this. If I am, would one of you tell me? I can't do something about it unless you do. About Ricky, even though he has finally told me that I'm hurting him, I can't do something about it. I can't help hurting him because the thing that is hurting him is my relationship with Analise. Sorry, but no one is important enough for me to stop my relationship with her except for her herself. If she has a problem with the way I am handling things in our relationship then, ok, I'll change it. Until then, nope. He wants to be best friends again. I wouldn't mind at all. I enjoyed my relationship with him. I really really did. But recently everytime I talk to him he is screaming at me, telling me that I'm completely wrong. I don't like people who act that way towards me, no one does. He says that he is going to try and stop doing that. I hope so. I miss the conversations we used to have, the way that I used to open him up and get him talk. The way I could help him. I like helping people. Its one of my greater joys in life and he is a wonderful person to help. I don't know. Sometimes I can't stand him. Some times I wish I could be there just to punch him in the face. I need to get over these negative feelings for him. I really do.
Wow, thats a lot of thought for an hour of scooping leaves out of a pool. I wish Sunshine would get home. She has probably gone out to eat with the rest of the swimmers and is having a great time. I sure hope shes having fun. I sure hope she gets home soon. I need to talk to her. My weekly dose of Sunshine. *shakes head* I'm a dork...
5:10 PM
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
My wonderful best friend Josh wrote me a song. Its about the whole me, Analise, and Ricky thing. He says that he took a lot of it out of my blogger. Just read...
Tears On A Rock Face
Joshua Rodriguez
I don't want her to want me
Don't want her to love me
Because I'll fall deep
And She'll just fly away
She holds him
He holds her
I fall to my knees
And wish he was me
Chorus-
Love is so bitter
Love is so painful
Why do I let
This feeling rule me
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I'm falling through endless night
It seems so wrong yet feels so right
I want a chance to have her love
More than anything
More than my life
More than my soul
Want her smile, like warm sunshine
To be pointed at me
Love is so bitter
Love is so painful
Why do I let
This feeling rule me
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
Love, can't you leave me alone?
Give time a chance to heal my wounds
Give hope time to right the wrongs
Let me belong and love
Let her love me
Let her hug me
Let her hold me close
And dry my tears
Love is so bitter
Love is so painful
Why do I let
This feeling rule me
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I've an empty shell
Of a heart that's broken
Smashed into tiny pieces
By the girl I love
I'm flying to close to the sun
The wax in my wings is melting
Don't care if I fall to the sea
Leave me alone to cry
Love is so bitter
Love is so painful
Why do I let
This feeling rule me
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
They'll hug
They'll kiss
I'll fall to my knees alone
No one holds me
No one to love me
I'll make a wish
For a better tomorrow
But, I know
She'll hurt me again
Please go away
Away...
I took a few liberties with it Josh dear. I added the last "Away" and I added like an s to something up there somewhere. If you don't like it I'll change it. I'll try to write the music for it soon. Thank you for this wonderful gift. I really love it beautiful.
7:59 PM
I haven't written in two days and it feels like forever. I just haven't wanted my emotions shared with anyone. Well, I have but I didn't want the reprucussions of my words to come into play...
Right now I am waiting for a response to a letter I sent to Analise. I am kind of nervous about it but then I'm not. I know that whatever has been decided now will change by the time I see her. Its to much time for something not to. I just hope that things start to change my way. So far every hit that I've taken has ended in a score for the other team. This time I want to block the ball, I want to keep it. I want to grab it out of the air and stun it to a wonderful silence... Weird analogy...
I can almost not bare to go to school. Not with Yvonne and Rose Anne there. Not with them unconciously flirting with me. Not with them sitting on my lap, accidently touching my leg and making school just one big horny day for me. God it is so hard to give them hugs, and I do quite often because these two girls happen to come to me for everything. Boy problems, school problems, parent problems, but most often then not, lots and lots of boy problems. So they cry, and get sad, and I make them happy and they give me a hug and I want to look into their beautiful eyes and slowly lean toward them and gently touch their lips to mine... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SEXUAL DESIRE SUCKS!!! It doesn't help that I can't keep Sunshine of my mind. I can't keep Canadian sleeping bags of my mind. I want to do so much, yet I am so restricted. Restricted by sexuality of others, by distance, by love. If I knew she wanted me too, if I knew she was dreaming about me, about my touch I think it would help. Right now it feels like I'm wishing for the impossible. If I thought that it could happen it would make things easier...
Yesterday my friend Cassie brought pogs to school. Pogs, you know, those little round card board disk thingies... Yeah, so anyways, I was looking through them and I found one with a picture of a finger rowing a boat. It said FINGER CREW on it. She let me have it. Its awesome. If you don't get the joke, think hard... Think real hard...
My hand hurts. *Tear for me*
I wish someone would get online. I would really like to talk to them. Or her. Or just read her e-mail to me. Or just show up miraclousley in her bedroom with her alone... Damn. I'm bad. Really, really bad. I had a dream about her last night. It was the first time I have kissed her in a dream, most of the time she is pushing me away, telling me how much she doesn't like me, or making out with a random guy. All great dreams!!! Did you catch the sarcasm there? I sure hope so. This time she actually grabbed me and made me come with her. But, I'll talk to her about that. None of your buisness, as if you wanted to know... Ok, now I'm just stalling, waiting for her to get on. Grrhhhhhhhh........ Waiting for anything is hard, hard, hard. Hard..............
7:05 PM
Monday, February 18, 2002
God damn it. Its all started AGAIN. Last night she and I talked for hours just like we always do on Sunday afternoons. Some how the conversation got around to places that I want to take her to some day. I am a very well traveled teenager, I've been to Europe twice and I'm only sixteen... Anyways, I can day dream about holding her in a park as we look at the Eiffel Tower, I can think about walking around the castles I've been to with her. And I do quite often. I want to take her to these beautiful places I've seen, I want her to experince these things. I want to experince them with her. Last night I walked her through those places, I told her what I wanted to do at each, I told her how much she would love it. And we talked about where we wanted to go. Together. Its like we were a couple planning it. God it was so great. I said some interesting things about an Canadian island... Long story... I'll keep that bit to myself. Anyways, it was great and wonderful and perfect in every way. So perfect. And today I wrote a dumb e-mail that was about our conversation last night, about the stuff that I left out. And it was kind of inappropriate... But she said it wasn't... Anyways, she is trying to decide if she wants me or not. Again. But this time I'll be okay when she says she wants him. This time I'm going to be fine. I decided I wouldn't let this hurt me anymore and it won't. She's talking to him right now. To Ricky. Some time tonight there is going to be a confrontation between the three of us. There always is. I'm getting sick of this. Either she wants me or she doesn't. Jenniffer wants me bad. She says the most amazing things about me. I could fall in love with her. I'm not but I could. You know Analise has never told me how wonderful I am, in a in love sense. She has never told me how pretty I am, or how when I do this she wants me like that. She has never ever said something like that to me. I want that. I need that. Maybe I should just leave her alone. Obviously I'm not worth it. I'm not good enough. I am for Jenniffer. I need to write her... I will soon.
8:25 PM
Sunday, February 17, 2002
Adam's Song
Blink 182
I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over I'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault
I never conquered, rarely came
But tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone
This song gives me goose bumps and bad memorys... Good song...
5:25 PM
Uh, I got bored and I changed my template.... Enjoy!!!
4:59 PM
Arghhhhhhhhh... I'm being analyized again. I'm being inspected to see if I'm good enough again. My inspector will see if I'm good enough, they will see if my gears work right, if my mechanics are up to their standards. So far I've failed the test. Over and over I fail this god damned test. Because I'm broken and it would take to much time to fix me. Because the parts that are needed to make me work are to far away. Because my inspector decided that they don't want this model, they want the new updated one with the extra knob. And my trying to set up my situation with Analise into a methaphor with machines has failed horribly. And extra knob, good grief Rebecca. That is how I feel however, I am just unable to use fancy metaphors on this. Well maybe I am and I just chose a bad subject for the metaphor... *sighs* I think the extra knob is funny *teehee*
*sighs* *sighs again* Had a long talk with Sunshine last night. I'm not over her. Her voice is just to damn full of memory for me to hear it and not want her. Once again she doesn't know what she wants and I'm tired of being rejected. But of course I will do what she needs. I always do. Love sucks. I allow myself to be hurt over and over again for just that one shot to hold her. For that one moment that she wants me too. And after I've taken that chance, after I have laid my self out in all of my nakedness, in my shame, once I have stuck myself out on a limb one more time, she cuts the limb. She hurts me when I'm most vunerable, when I am trying to give her the most wonderful thing in the world- Love. I'm losing love fast. This week I felt so unconnected from her. If she wants me she better hurry up because at this point I'm feeling like kidnapping Rose Anne or one of those other amazing ladies and showing them how wonderful girls can be. Because I am sure I could be wonderful for someone. Someone. For someone.....................
9:08 AM
Saturday, February 16, 2002
I'M GOING TO STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My percussion ensemble made it to state!!! Its amazing and wonderful and unbelieveable. Wow. I can't believe it. We practiced it all of like five times and the performance was the first time we went all the way through the piece. My judge had to be on crack. Wow. I'm going to Austin. May 24 and 25 I think. Wow, I'll see Analise, Vanessa, Celeen, Ricky and Daniel in their natural habitat *teehee*!!! Wow. AND I played with a broken finger. It hurt. *tear for me* Anyways, thats pretty exciting. Really exciting. Yeah.
All of my Austinites are gone... I can't get a hold of any of them. It makes me sad, I haven't gotten to talk to any of them this week. I miss them. I wish they would hurry up and get home.......
I think I'm over Analise. I THINK...
I'm going to put some song lyrics in this and then I'm going to talk about a realization I've had because of this song. k? kk (as Celeen would say).
Shooting Up In Vain
Eagle Eye Cherry
Desireless
Waking up as the sun goes down
Body all in pain
Straight out the door to the worst part of town
Shooting up in vain
Slips all his money to the man
Here we go again....Here we go again
Got bags of mercy in the palm of his hand
Shooting up in vain
So he heads for the closest roof top
And now he's free with the skyline behind
But it won't be long until his high will drop
Then you know what he'll try to find
Such a shame
Now he's back on that hunt for more
Body all in pain
Wanting to get back to where he was before
Shooting up in vain
So now he goes and sells his wedding ring
Here we go again......Here we go again
But now he's sold exactly everything
Shooting up in vain
So he heads for the closest roof top
And now he's free with the skyline behind
But it won't be long until his high will drop
Then you know what heíll try to find
Such a shame
Down to bed as the sun goes up
Body all in pain
Now he swears he's going to stop
Shooting up in vain
He's Dr Jekyll and he's Mr Hyde
He's got to listen to that voice deep inside
Got a one way ticket on a derailed train
Got a one way ticket on a derailed train
Such a shame
Got a one way ticket on a derailed train
Got to stop shooting up in vain....
That is such a great song. So, so, so great. Now, I don't have any personal experince with "shooting up" or doing drugs at all, but for some reason this piece really hit me hard. I'm not sure why. It has even inspired a painting which is still residing in my mind but as soon as I find enough time to do it its going to flow right out of me. Its cool.
Now, the realization I had... I have my own drug, my own syringe, my own poison that I keep forcing onto myself. I keep burning myself with it and yet I can't stop, I can't break myself of this. Girls. Sexuality. Attraction. Feelings. All of that rolled into a ball, forced into one word- Love. Every day I set myself up for hurt. With Analise, with Jenniffer, with Rose Anne. I know that I can't have any of them, that I can't hold them, and yet I want it so bad. I can't stop these feelings that I have, these cravings for this poison. When I'm around Rose Anne I flirt with her, I flirt horribly and I know it, I don't know if she does... It is so much fun, it feels so great, and then Nathan comes in and she wraps her arms around him and kisses him. I get that high, that flying feeling and then I drop, my body all in pain. I call Analise and I flirt with her, we laugh and my heart soars, and then she talks about Ricky, about the things they do together and I drop, body all in pain. I talk to Jenniffer and I flirt with her, and she flirts back, and then I remember that she lives in Houston, and I drop, body all in pain. I see girls at school and I think how wonderful they are, how much better I could treat them than that ass hole they've got their arm around, and then I remember not everyone is open to just falling in love with souls. And I drop, body all in pain. All over again. And I can't stop, I can't control attraction, I can't control sexuality, I can't control feelings, I can't control love. It is my drug, my poison. Funny to think about it that way... Love is a poison, love is pain and hurt and self destruction. And yet love is life, love is a saviour, love is the most amazing and wonderful thing in the world. For everything in life there is a price to pay. For love you have to have those highs and you have to have those lows. The highs are amazing and wonderful and breath taking. The lows are hellish and painful and soul destroying. And I have found that neither last. Ever. No love can ever last, can ever maintain its strength, it is always changing. No pain can last forever either. It hurts and it tears at all of your being, but eventually it goes away. Nothing is constant, nothing is for sure. Nothing but change. Kind of depressing is it not? No love can last forever, no feeling can be in your soul forever. It must be constantly maintained or it is instantly lost. Change sucks.
I think I'm over Sunshine... Maybe, I haven't talked to her at all in the past week so I might not be. Or maybe I'm just fed up with it. Thats what it feels like. I feel like telling her whatever, I don't care, leave me alone. That leave me alone is a weird thing though. I don't want to stop talking to her, or lose contact with her. I just want her to leave me alone... That doesn't make sense, or it does to me and not to you. Or maybe I have just got to the point in our relationship that I know that there is no hope in anyway at all. Because there isn't. She doesn't want me, in fact she makes a point (and a big point it is) to call me her "unrelated sister" as much as possible. It kind of pisses me off and then it doesn't. And even if she did want me she lives so damn far away that we couldn't be anything. Fuck. Distance, time, and change suck. They suck big. And I'm all acting depressed when today was a happy day for me. I wonder why.......... Oh could it be love sucks too??? That might be it.
I want to say that I'm sorry, that love doesn't suck, that its just so mean sometimes but I'm not going to. Love sucks for me. Someone will randomly fall in love with me and by the time I am in love with them they have moved on. Its not only Analise, it happens a lot. Kyle stopped dating me because I'm bi. What an ass. Boys are worthless. Jenniffer is smitten with me but I can't go to her without hijacking a car. The bi/lesbian girls (there aren't many, in fact the only reason I know of any are the fact that they made out at lunch one day) at my school are idiots who have all failed several grades and are covered in black clothing and make up. Rose Anne, Yvonne, Kaitlan and all of the other girls I want to date are my best friends and their straight. Love sucks. Feeling sucks. Emotion sucks. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so damn negative. Why??? Why can't I look to the brighter things in life? Bah hum bug. Maybe some day. Not today.
My hand is throbbing. Maybe, just maybe I shouldn't type with it. Who cares??? Not me..............
Am I not worthy? Am I not a good person? Am I not pretty, not smart, not kind, not fun? Why do I have so much trouble having physical relationships? Why do I have such a hard time finding people to have them with? Am I too reserved? Am I not free enough? Physically I mean? People are always telling me to do this, wear that, be this, use that. I DON"T WANT TO!!! Just leave me alone. I am me. I don't like to wear my hair down, to wear dresses. I feel vunerable, I feel uncomfortable. I like my pony tail and I like my blue jeans. So there. Stop trying to change me. Stop trying to make me YOUR mold. I am me and I don't give a damn about what you want. So there. Take that. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone...
My hand is plusing and it hurts really bad now. I'm going to stop typing now.
Becca
8:42 PM
Friday, February 15, 2002
Today was a strange day. A very strange day. I broke my finger at the game tonight during the warm up. Coach kicked a ball to the right corner and I dived for it. When I landed my right pinkie landed first and bent backwards as I did a forwards roll. It was quite fun *smiles*. Seriously though, it hurt a lot but I played the whole game anyways. If I just sprained it in the warm up I definatly broke it in the game. It hurts and its really hard to type with one finger missing so please excuse any typos, remember, I'm a handicapped typer *winks*. Lol.
I went through a lot of different stages today. I'm feeling pretty lonely. I want a sweet little girl to hug and to kiss and to snuggle with. The ones that I want to snuggle with are either taken, don't want me, are straight, or are five hours away. No sweet little girl for Rebecca... *tear for me* I really wish I had a girl to snuggle with, boys are just a waste of time to me. I don't want someone who is stronger than me, I want someone who I can hold and protect and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Not someone who I let protect me, hell no. So that is my main reason for wanting to date girls. Well, that and the fact that Joshua happens to be full of jackass boys while all of the girls are sweet and cuddely and my very straight best friends. I would date almost any girl that I know from Joshua, they are wonderful and nice and sweet. And straight. *sighs* I have a really big crush on this one girl named Rose Anne. She's on my soccer team and in my AP music theory class and we hang out all of the time. She's amazingly sweet and she accepts me as I am. And her boy friend treats her like crap. Boys are worthless... To bad she's straight, she knows I'm bi, and always comes to me with her boy problems. To bad she wouldn't let me kiss her... Not that I've tried but I don't see it happening. Another *tear for me*...
Anyways, I have a lot of other stuff I want to write but I'm tired and my hand is pulsing so I think I'll go to bed. Night, love you.
11:36 PM
Today was a strange day. A very strange day. I broke my finger at the game tonight during the warm up. Coach kicked a ball to the right corner and I dived for it. When I landed my right pinkie landed first and bent backwards as I did a forwards roll. It was quite fun *smiles*. Seriously though, it hurt a lot but I played the whole game anyways. If I just sprained it in the warm up I definatly broke it in the game. It hurts and its really hard to type with one finger missing so please excuse any typos, remember, I'm a handicapped typer *winks*. Lol.
I went through a lot of different stages today. I'm feeling pretty lonely. I want a sweet little girl to hug and to kiss and to snuggle with. The ones that I want to snuggle with are either taken, don't want me, are straight, or are five hours away. No sweet little girl for Rebecca... *tear for me* I really wish I had a girl to snuggle with, boys are just a waste of time to me. I don't want someone who is stronger than me, I want someone who I can hold and protect and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Not someone who I let protect me, hell no. So that is my main reason for wanting to date girls. Well, that and the fact that Joshua happens to be full of jackass boys while all of the girls are sweet and cuddely and my very straight best friends. I would date almost any girl that I know from Joshua, they are wonderful and nice and sweet. And straight. *sighs* I have a really big crush on this one girl named Rose Anne. She's on my soccer team and in my AP music theory class and we hang out all of the time. She's amazingly sweet and she accepts me as I am. And her boy friend treats her like crap. Boys are worthless... To bad she's straight, she knows I'm bi, and always comes to me with her boy problems. To bad she wouldn't let me kiss her... Not that I've tried but I don't see it happening. Another *tear for me*...
Anyways, I have a lot of other stuff I want to write but I'm tired and my hand is pulsing so I think I'll go to bed. Night, love you.
11:36 PM
Thursday, February 14, 2002
I'm grounded today, I'll try and write more later. And by the way, I would really appreciate it if you guys would keep anything you read on this site to yourselves or at least between the people that read this. AKA, no telling anyone about Sparkles liking me, or telling people I'm bi, or telling people my deepest darkest secrets. No one has, at all, but please try and do that. Love you lots...
6:34 PM
I'm still confused with love but I'll talk about that later...
I have failed to mention my beautiful, amazing, wonderful birthday present that my beautiful, amazing, wonderful Austinite friends gave me. Its a big poster that says "Happy Birtday Becca!" Then these great people went all over Austin taking pictures of it. They also made me a tape and sang happy birthday in their wonderful voices. They harmonize great together... Anyways, I've listened to the tape three times. I love it because I get to hear their voices everyday. *smiles* I have never gotten a better present...
More on complete confusion later...
6:57 AM
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
I seem to have found a princess in peril... In the most unlikely place possible... When I wasn't even trying... I seem to have already swept her off of her feet with my dashingness and suave... And I didn't even realize it... I wasn't even trying... She says she feels as if she could wait forever... And that she knows she might have to... She has just gotten done nameing about thirty reasons why I'm wonderful... I'm the first girl she's ever liked... She acts as if I'm the hundreth... She is so deliciously nervous, so tense and yet relaxed. These words just flow from her. Whoa. Intense emotions are shooting up to Joshua. Intense. Extremly intense. Holy shit...
Sparkles likes me. Jennifer likes me. Not just likes me either. Not just really likes me either. She hasn't said that she's in love with me, but she said she would wait forever. I guess it's kind of implied. Wow. She has just blown me away. I'm so confused. Oh how I wish she was Analise saying these things. And then I don't. Wow. Confused. Confused. Confused. I'm not quite sure where to go from here. What to think. Who to want. Wow. I am in love with Analise. I do want her badly, but wow, right now Jennifer could take me with no problem. Wow. Wow. Wow. I can't think straight. And I don't think that I'm sweeping her off of her feet right now because she has me in her arms and she is flying me away. I think... I don' t know how I'm feeling. I'm going to sleep on this. Wow. Someone wants me........
11:51 PM
*Sighs* *Sighs yet again*
Those sighs carry me through my day. With each sigh it lets me release just a little bit of emotion. Maybe I should do it more often... I'm just going to drop it. I'm going to leave her alone about love. I'm going to let her be happy. She needs it and deserves it. I'll get over it. Time heals. I'll just wait. I'm going to stop bringing this up. I know that she loves Ricky. I know she wants to be with him. I know she doesn't want me. I'm going to stop. I will stop. I need to and I will.
I was thinking today about me saying it would be a lot funner to be the knight. It would be. I want to be the knight, I want to sweep someone off of their feet and protect them. I want to. But there is no one for me to sweep. There is no one for me to stun with my dashingness and suave. Lol, that was a strange last sentence. Yeah, so, anyways, I want to find a princess in peril to hug, to tickle, to poke fun at. To lean toward and kiss, to push on swings. I want all of that. *Sighs* Not in Joshua. Not in Hicktown USA. Someday though. Either that or I will be swept away. Maybe thats what I need. Some strong, suave, beautiful boy to come and stun me into silence. Maybe. That could happen. Well, maybe if we get a couple of new guys to move in lol. Seriously, all the good guys in Joshua are taken. Seriously. Oh, just by the way, I was in the bathroom yesterday and I looked at the side of one of the stalls and it said "Misty is bi." I had the strongest urge to take out my sharpie and write, "Oh really, does she want a date?" I might go back and do that acctually, it might have interesting results. At least I could have a closet relationship...
I feel uncomfortable with the locker room situation during soccer. I can usually get by with changing by myself in a bathroom across the school but sometimes people see me and are like "Hey Becca, come change in here." I can't just say, uh no, I'll change by myself. I have told four girls on my team and they are fine with me being bi, in fact they are usually the ones that ask me to change with them. Hmmmm... I have a crush on one of them... She's amazing... Well, not quite amazing, but a wonderful person. Her boyfriend treats her like dirt sometimes, I could treat her better. *Sighs* That seems to be how I feel about all the girls I have crushes on. Anyways, when I do end up changing with them I change in a stall by myself and then leave immediatly. I miss changing with the girls. Locker room talk is just so much fun. *Sighs* Thats the price I pay.
I got glasses, I like them a lot. They look cool.
Monday morning, 7 am, room 519, my first day of drivers ed. That was really just to help me to remember about it. I don't think anyone cares but me.
My back is really sore. It hurts when I breath even. I need to get someone to message it, like seriously because I can't move. I don't feel comfortable asking though, I don't feel comfortable asking for any physical touch because I'm afraid people are going to think I'm hitting on them. Or that I'm getting a cheap thrill. Or that I'm taking advantage of them. By the way, thanks Celeen, Vanessa, and Daniel. I appreciate all of the hugs and the hand holding that we did at winter. It meant nothing more than friendship of course but it was something that I really needed. Come and kidnap me!!! Soon please, *makes cute pouty face*.
Today when I went in my big brother's room (he's at college) to get something I saw a bottle of night time pain relievers sitting there on his desk. I looked at that and thought that if I took all of those I would be dead in a few hours. I thought about that some more as I was getting ready for school. Thats how Sonya died. She took an over dose of all of her sisters' medicine. I wouldn't want to die like that. She woke up and got out of her room. Then she collapsed. I saw her wheeled out of the house from my bedroom window. The ambulance was parked where we used to sit and look at the stars... Wow, I didn't realize how much this still hurts me. It really does... She wasn't dead when they wheeled her out. She was brain dead in the hospital for a couple days before they just let her go. I can remember those horrible nights, hugging my mother, crying, trying to understand why this had happened. Why she wasn't coming back. No, when I die I don't want to go like that. If I ever kill myself I'll have to use a gun. Quick. Fast. Painless. I won't though. I'm to scared. I'm to chicken. I'm to loved. I'm to aware of what happens when someone is gone. I should have been a better friend to her. I shouldn't have gotten mad about stupid stuff. I'm trying to just shake this off. Its not working. Yikes.
I found out I'm number 12 in my class. My mom told me I need to be number 2 or 3.
I have a lot to live for. I know that.
I'm going to try and let go of all of this when I post it. I wonder how well it will work...
8:40 PM
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
"Its been a long day oh yeah ain't that right" Matchbox 20, Long Day
It has been a long day. A day of pain, a day of sorrow, a day of thought, a day of hope, a day of defeat. I just got home from a soccer game, we got beat 5-0. I'm not playing very well lately. Neither is the team for that matter. *sighs* Maybe we'll be better on Friday. I need to get a shut out if I want to get all district goalie. I need two shut outs. I need to play a lot better and get lots more sleep...
She just wants me to stop. She just wants not to be in charge of my feelings. I don't blame her at all, I wouldn't want so many people's feelings depending on me. I am so sorry. I don't want this for us any more. I don't want the pain between her and I anymore. I love her, I love Analise, I don't want to hurt her. Yet I do. Over and over and over again. I can't just let go. I can't let her go. Today Josh compared me metaphorically (sp, i know) to Icarus. He says I am trying to get to close to the sun and that my wings will melt and I will fall into the sea. Maybe thats what I'm doing, I'm just trying to hard to make her love me and then I hurt her and myself and then we fall again. Maybe thats it. By the way, life is a continuos allegory for Josh and I. We make up metaphors about everything... More on that later. Yeah, so, anyways, I don't know what to do. I love her so much, I can't imagen myself holding anyone but her in my arms, but she doesn't want that. She wants Ricky. I don't understand that. I don't understand how she doesn't want me. She did once. A long time ago before I knew I was bi, before she knew she was bi. She thought she was a lesbian. I wish she was, then this would have never happened... Anyways, she did love me once and she doesn't now, and I don't understand how that feeling can just go away. I don't understand. But she wants Ricky, she needs Ricky, and I just can't come to terms with that. I can't accept that. I need to. Maybe I'll be able to sometime soon. I hope so for her sake. For our sake. I have to go, its 11:30 and I need to sleep. Oh, by the way, the clock on this thing is like 3 hours behind. I think. LIke when its eight here its five on the clock thingy. Yeah, so, love you, night.
P.S. Analise, if you read this I'm sorry. I am truly sorry, I wish I could make this go away but I can't. I love you Sunshine.
11:33 PM
Monday, February 11, 2002
I'm scared again. I'm afraid again. I don't want to be hurt, again. I don't want her to want me, to love me, and then go away again. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want this situation. I'm so sick of this heart ache. Of this pain. And she isn't trying to do this, she doesn't want to hurt me. She does. She does so badly everytime. I feel like I'm the only one making a compromise. She holds him, he holds her, I grasp at my knees to try and keep from shaking. Love is so bitter. So painful. Why do I let this feeling rule me? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why she doesn't love me. I would give her anything. Anything. I wouldn't fight about the little things, the movies, the friends. The only reason we disagree is my feelings for her. Thats it. I wish I could have a chance. Just once. I would make her want it to be longer. She would want it to go on forever. It wouldn't be a chance anymore. She would want me. I wouldn't be alone. I wouldn't be hurting. Oh love, love just leave me alone. Just stop feeling, just stop being. Just give me a chance for peace. Give me a chance to belong. To love. Stop dangling it in my face, smacking me with it and taking it away, leaving me to grasp at nothing but empty feelings, an empty shell of a heart that is broken to pieces. Pain that stains my soul. A yearning, a wanting that can never come true. A girl that trys so hard to make me happy and yet no matter what she does she can't. God she is trying, she is trying and I can't be satisfied. Love stop it damn it!!! Leave. Leave me alone to cry, to be in pain once more and then vacate my life. I don't need this any more. She'll just hurt me again. I'll cry. They'll hug, they'll kiss. I'll hug my knees. I'll roll into my little ball and pretend again. Put up my wall and tell them its ok. God. God, why won't this stop. Love, just stop. Leave me empty. Please just go away...
10:57 PM
Rally was awesome. It was AWESOME. It went better than anyone had ever planned or hoped it would. I had a lot of people coming up to me saying that it was the best rally they had ever been to, and those people had been to like ten, twelve rallys. It made me feel really good, I worked really hard on it with the rest of the leadership team to make it the best we could. It was awesome. Something that is even more exciting is that the leadership team didn't fight. We didn't have a single negative word towards each other. Its great to get through something like that and not hate each other by the end. However, I do think they are all a little put out with me because I was on the mike quite a lot this weekend. I tried not to but when no one takes the lead then I do. Plus when they hand me the mike I'm not just gonna hold it, I'm gonna use it, so maybe they should have stopped handing to me every three minutes. Anywho, things went great.
I got really close to a couple people this rally. Celeen and I hung out the entire time, well whenever possible, and I chilled with Vanessa for awhile. I love those two girls so much, they are truly my life line. They make me feel so much better about life when I'm around them and that is a very good thing because lately life has been pretty sucky. BUT, and a big but, it is getting much better with their and Analise's help. And Shand's help and Josh's and everyone that I could keep on naming forever. I am really lucky to have this many people that care about me. It makes me happy.
Going to this rally and not seeing Analise's face shook me up a lot. I have never been to a rally when she hasn't. I keep seeing her in the corner of my eye, kept hearing her voice. It was really hard for me to focus and to run things when her name was bouncing around in my head. After sufi I got really upset, I was hurting really bad and I missed her so much. I threw my drum and my bag down and I layed by the lake and closed my eyes. I sat there talking to myself, trying to figure things out until I heard V's footsteps. She sat down and we talked, or really I talked, about all the shit in my life. About how I'm tired of taking on everyone's problems on top of my own. About how hurt I am that Analise doesn't love me back. It hurts so bad even though I'm pretending it doesn't. Even though I said it doesn't. I did talk to her about that by the way, Analise I mean. It was a good talk. Yeah, so, anyways I told V how for the past eight months there wasn't a day that I hadn't wanted to kill myself. And it is very true. I mean even at rally I was ready just to jump in that lake and sink forever. BUT, and thats a big but, I have all of these wonderful people who love me and I could never leave them. That is really why I'm still here, all of these people. God bless them. I have experinced suicide from a friend point of view and I never want anyone to feel that again. I will never kill myself. Yeah, we talked, she made me feel better. I love her. I love Celeen, I love Donna and I love Daniel. I am blessed. Truly blessed.
I miss Analise a lot. Today was just one big me wanting to kiss her day. Last night we talked things out and even though she still doesn't want to be with me the way that we talked, that we communicated, made me want her so badly. I am strange, ha, the way we talked about how we can't be together made me want her. I'm a dork. We talked about a lot of stuff last night, funny and sad things, good and bad things. It made me so happy that we were able to talk without getting upset. We laughed a lot. And then we came up with a way to talk about our feelings that made things so much easier. We started talking in third person, calling me five foot ten girl and her five foot three girl. It sounds strange but it was so much easier to talk about those things, it kind of seperated the harshness of the words. Does that make sense? Does to me.
I went to the optometrist today. And I know I'm a horrible speller. I got a new perscription and I'm getting glasses. They should be in Wednesday and I'll wear them Thursday to school. I like them.
Today I have had this overwhelming urge to make out with someone. Preferably a female. A shorter female. A shorter female with long, dark hair and beautiful eyes. And then when she looks at you she looks from the corner of her eyes it makes you want to kiss her. And then she wraps her arms around your waist and pulls you close just to snuggle. A short female with long, dark hair, beautiful eyes, loving arms and answers to the name of Sunshine.
Anyways, I was thinking about the whole Sunshine thing. Analise is my sunshine, she makes me happier than anyone else in the world. Like the sun she is the constant, closest, bright light. Now if she is my sunshine what does that make everyone else? I think Vanessa and Celeen are my moonlight, still constant but not as bright. Close but not as warm, and they feed off of the sun. I'm not saying that they get their wonderfulness from Analise, I'm saying that I met both of them through her. Their wonderfulness is theirs and theirs alone. Josh is a faint star, coming and going, pretending to stay and then drifting away. Ricky is a comet of feelings, brushing past me ever so often just to give my life a stir. My soccer friends, my band friends are inviting stars, warm and close, but they need my energy to help them, they need me to feed off of. And I need them. Its a fair trade, they take and they give. My lights gather around me. Or rather I gather them close to me and refuse to let them go. They are my lights, my strength, my energy. Without them my light would fade. I am not strong enough to shine on my own. Thank god for my lights.
You know what I find strange? Love, the most beautiful and amazing thing in the world, brings the most pain and suffering in life. I'm not only talking about my yearning for Analise. I'm talking about fights with friends, juvenile crushes, real crushes, being in love, being out of love, the lack of love. It hurts so badly yet we all strive for it, we all want it. We want it from a lover, from a friend, from our family and when we don't get it we hurt. And when we do have it we worry about losing it. Why? Why do we let something like this control our souls and our beings? Love is love, thats all there is to it. It is here. It doesn't go away. Yes, it changes, it evolves, but it just doesn't stop. It can't. I wish we could all just accept that. I wish that I could just accept that. Humans are silly. We have a way of believing something but then denying it. Of saying something, and then not even meaning to, doing something else. We are very, very silly creatures. Just a side note, today when we were practicing our drum ensemble I had some time to think. Guess what I was thinking about? DUH, Analise. I'll skip the details but I was thinking about how much I wanted to hold her in my arms and some how my thought evolved into something someone once told me. Humans are the only animals that make love for enjoyment, for something other than reproduction. I wonder why. Most animals just have a time in their life when they just go out and have sex, aka mating season. For some special reason humans have decided that any old time is a good time to do it. I'm not saying its a good thing or that its a bad thing, I just think its really strange. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like *ahem* fun and I would be completely willing to try it if I could find someone good enough, but it doesn't make sense. One more of life's many mysteries.
*Sighs* I promised myself I would get off line at eight. Sunshine hasn't gotten online yet. I want to talk to her badly. Damn it. I just remembered she had a concert tonight. She is an amazing singer and she had to go share her voice with those lucky enough to hear it. Damn. I think I'll move to my room and switch to the lap top. I'll leave it on line and do my homework in there. Love you much. Later.
7:59 PM
Wednesday, February 06, 2002
I just got off the phone with Analise. We talked for like an hour. Almost exactly an hour. You know everytime I say goodbye to her it hurts. No, not on aim, but everytime I can hear her voice it hurts to say goodbye. I can almost not do it. I don't know what that means. I guess thats why I always stall, I always try to keep her on the phone for five more minutes. It hurts not to be connected to her. I guess that I am always connected to her spiritually but I'm not always, in fact hardly any, in a physical sense. I miss her so much. I can not begin to tell you of the black hole that consumes me when she's not near. All of my thoughts, my actions, my words are sucked into that hole. I will be thinking perfectly clear when all of a sudden her name flashes across my mind, leaving me in disarray. Every action that I take makes me wonder what she would think of it. Every word I say. Some people might think, and I'm sure some people do think, that this is a silly first love crush. Its not. I don't know what this is exactly but its not that, it is so far from that. If it was then would I cry when people were simply discussing her? When they were just saying how nice she is? Would I think about her day and night, in my dreams and in my day? Would she be the only one that I could ever think about being with? She is. She is the best person I have ever met. I don't see why every boy in the world is after her, and half the women for that matter. I could not ask for a more wonderful person to fall in love with. She is amazing. She is wonderful. Her name makes my heart soar and the sound of her voice makes me melt. I love her with my all of my being, my heart, my soul. It hurts to know that she doesn't want me. That she wants Ricky. It hurts me to think of them kissing, of them holding hands. It makes me angry. Not like stock raving mad or anything but angry. I don't understand what I should do. My goal is of course to be with her some day. Not just like sleep with her, no not at all. Some day I want to be able to wake up every morning and sing the good morning beautiful song to her. Some day I want to take her to Paris, to Rome, to Sarlat. I want to share those moments I had in those places with her. I want to be able to hold her and know that in two days we don't both have to go home, and that she's not going home to someone else. But I don't know how to get there. I don't know what I should do. I think I should just drop it for awhile, just let it be, and I'm trying to do just that. But tonight, some things she said made me wonder how she feels about me. On the other hand she could just be flirting. And flirting is fun, if your heart isn't riding on it. I don't know what to do and I miss her so much. I have to wait four more months to see her beautiful face. And even then she might still be with Ricky so I won't feel even comfortable touching her. I don't understand why she doesn't want to be with me. She, at one point in time, said that distance, the fact that I'm not male, and Ricky keep her from me. She said she is scared of what would happen if she did love me, because then people would find out, and then the ridicule would start, the hate and the baggering. What a world we live in, our home where we can not even be ourselves. If I was down there I would protect her. Or I would want to. I want to right now. Not that she needs it, I just want to. When I was little, before I acctually realized that I'm bi, I would stand in front of the mirror and wish that a knight in shinning armor would come rescue me. And before that thought was even half way through my mind I would think, "I bet it would be a hell of a lot funner being the knight." I know funner is not a word, but give me a break, I was like eight. But anyways, I always feel the need to protect the people I love, especially girls and not just Analise, or girls I'm attracted to. I just have this need to protect. Sorry, strange tangent. I do that sometimes. Right now, where I stand is that I love Analise, I miss her more than can be described, I'm not quite sure what to do, I'm tired of not knowing what to do (that is all that i have done for eight months), and I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. And I know only one person that I want to do those things for me. She's taken and four hours away. I have a soccer game tomorrow. I need to go to bed. Love you guys.
11:12 PM
Tuesday, February 05, 2002
Josh and I are all better!!! It makes me so happy. I missed him a lot. In fact I'm going down to his house in a couple minutes to work on math homework and to help him tune his guitar. Silly boy can't do it for himself.
Kyle and I are nothing on the edge of something, I think, if that makes sense. If it doesn't, don't worry about it to much, you wouldn't be missing much. Its not such a big deal, I didn't think it would last long anyways.
I feel kind of akward writing on this. There are things that I want to write but I also know that people would read this. I guess I'm going to give you all a fair warning, if you don't want to see directly into my psyche then you better stop reading now. People from Austin, this is almost completely directed to you. It's about Sunshine.
I miss Analise so much. I keep on thinking about her and I just can't stop. Its snowing right now here and I can picture her walking through the snow towards me, her beautiful dark hair flowing, her red lips glistening in the shine, walking towards me in all of her glory. And I walk toward her. We finally meet and I reach out to hold her. I pull her close to me and fireworks go off, the sun bursts, the sky is more beautiful than any sunset, and only because we have finally touched. I see myself falling asleep in her arms. Nothing else, just her holding me while I drift of to a world of slumber. I see myself holding her close, talking to our friends, acting as if everything is just how it is supposed to be. How it should be. I need to get over this. And I am trying, but it is so hard when I can see these things perfectly in my mind, I can imagen what it would be like to hold her. I hope that I haven't made anyone mad, or that someone thinks this is inappropriate. I gave warning and I need someplace to write this. I'm not forcing any of you Austinites to read this so please don't be mad. Ricky, Analise, please don't be mad.
Ricky and I have a strange relationship. We're great friends even though he kisses the girl of my dreams every day. Even though she loves him, Ricky and I have a great connection. It is very strange.
I talked about walls in my last blog. I have a wall, even though I try not to I do. People think of me as this rock wall, this person who can take anything. I guess I try to live up to it, I always have. And I can do it most of the time, but not lately. I've been letting my sadness drift into my everyday life and thats bad. Someone might start asking questions. And I might actually tell someone. For some strange reason I get sad when I eat. I guess it's because I always have time to think while I'm sitting there. I'm strange about stuff like that. I guess I'm getting better but its taking a while. I miss her a lot. I miss everyone from there a lot. I never get to see them and they are my best friends in the world. At least I get to see Celeen, Vanessa, and Daniel at rally on Friday. If any of you read this, please give me a lot of hugs, I won't ask for them, I can't bring myself to, but I need them. Badly. I feel so alone up here sometimes. They are all down there together having a great time. I am up here, with my cows, with my bitterness, with my town of judgemental babtists. I don't think there is anything wrong with being babtist by the way, I just think there is something wrong with anyone who cuses out others for being different. *Sighs yet again*
I'm going down to Josh's house to do homework and tune his guitar. I'll be back soon for those of you that want to talk to me. Love you guys.
7:13 PM
Monday, February 04, 2002
*Sighs* *More Sighs* Today was ok, I guess.
I went back to school and everything was cool until English. Josh has that class with me. It was horribly uncomfortable because he, Marlina and I usually occupy the couch together. Without him there is this huge empty space in the middle of the couch and it is just screaming for some Joshyiness. I'm going to pretend thats a word. Anyways, class was horrible. While we were having our book discussion over One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest we were taking stabs at each other continuesly. Then Ms. Campbell gave me crap about getting upset. I love her to death but that made me mad. She exposed me to the whole class. My little wall crumbled a little right then. A couple of people from English always eat with Ms. Campbell because she is so cool, and Josh and I are usually some of them. He stopped coming since we're fighting. But anyways, we were sitting in there and we were talking about why Josh is mad and whats going on and I started crying. He wrote some really mean things about me in his little blogger thingamajig and that hurt, a lot. So then my wall crumbled, I started crying, I just stood up and walked out of the room, across the school and to the band hall. Marlina, being the great friend that she is, followed me and talked to me for awhile. She made me feel better. I know that Josh and I are going to be ok but right now this hurts. A lot. I miss him so much, I didn't realize how much he means to me. He really is my best friend here. It hurts to have him not want to be around me, to talk to me. I just wish we could make up. I don't care who is right, who is wrong, I just want him to be my friend again. *Sighs*
Kyle told me that he wants sometime to think about stuff. I told him about my love for Analise Friday and the fact that I'm bi. I guess thats ok, I can understand how he wants some time to make sense of this, but right now I need someone more than ever. Just someone to hold me I guess. It doesn't have to be sexual in any way, but just someone to who would let me cry on their shoulder. I thought that maybe I could turn to him but not right now. And thats ok. I guess. I just don't get physical contact here. No one gives me long hugs, no one wants to just snuggle and I don't really feel comfortable asking for either. I was think about this today in band. No one can ever really feel comfortable around me. There is always the possiblity that I could be attracted to them. Guys and girls. I guess it is kind of a curse and a blessing to be bi. No one can ever just be friends with you, well they can, but then there is always the possibility of other feelings emerging. And yet you get to see the world from a different and wonderful perspective. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't. That I could be normal and that I could be comfortable around at least one sex. *Sighsyetagain*
I really miss Analise. A lot. She makes everything better for me. I call her my sunshine. And she is, she really is. No matter how bad a day I seem to be having she makes it better. When I got online after all of that crap just seeing her name made me feel better. She has this wonderful aura about her. Just this thing that makes you smile, that makes you feel better inside. She makes you laugh and then she laughs with you. She laughs at all of my corny jokes, or most of them lol. She is a beautiful soul. So understanding, so patient, kind, loving, fair. She is the best person I have ever met. I really do love her. More than anything in the world. But she is down there and I'm up here. She is with Ricky, and she loves Ricky. That makes me sad. But I guess thats how things are right now. I hope that someday things will be different. "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live" Dumbledorf, Harry Potter Book 1. I need to remember that. I don't spend all my days just day dreaming about her though. I do have other things I care about in my life. She just happens to be the most important. Maybe someday I can be something like that for her... ARGH, I just contradicted my little quote thing lol. Oh well..............
8:32 PM
Saturday, February 02, 2002
Hi. Wow, I finally got a blogger. I've been wanting one for a really long time, but I finally just got around to it. Sooooooooooo, I guess I should tell you something or other...
My name's Becca and I live in a tiny little town in the middle of Texas. It's the basic small town, centered around gossip, cows, and everyone complaining about how much they want to leave. Now, I don't participate in the gossip or the cows but I can tell you I complain a hell of a lot about living here. Cows. Cows, cows, cows. Thats what the economy is based on around here. We have the second biggest ag department in the state of Texas, and thats saying a lot, its Texas for god's sake. So yeah, living here is my own personal hell.
I guess that last sentence didn't make to much sense so I'll explain it now. I am one hell of a crazy girl. Well, an angelic crazy girl. I don't do crazy things, I just believe them. My town is almost completely babtist and I'm the one that sticks out. I go up to Ft. Worth for church at the Ft. Worth Church of Unity. Unity is great, it's just a big mixed up religion based on everything. When I say mixed up I don't mean confusing, I just mean that we combined the religions of the world to try to make sense of existance. It's great, you should try it sometime. Anyways, my belief in no hell, no heaven, no devil, and really no god does not go over well here. More on my crazy religious beliefs later.
Another crappy thing about living here is the fact that I'm bi. If my school ever found out my ass would be barbequed in couple minutes. I guess that there is always guys but I don't really find them worth while. Girls are so much cuter. Is cuter a word? I have no idea. Yeah, so, anyways, I have another crazy belief, I think everyone is bi. Now before you begin to scream and attack me let me explain. I, first of all, don't see how someone can not be attracted to girls or boys. Both have their own noble characteristics. Second of all the great thing about being bi is that you can date both sexs, so that means you can chose to deny one. Giving that fact it is easy to see how we could all be bi. The straights are just conformists, doing whatever society dicates is right, the gays are rebels, set on defying the world, and bis are just here. I guess it makes sense to me. It might not to you.
Despite what I said about boys earlier I am dating one, a really nice one for that matter. Kyle is great. He just moved here from another small town but he doesn't have that small town mentality. He's nice, funny, artistic, musical, smart, tall and cute. Now the tall and the cute don't matter to much, they're just added bonuses. The other stuff is what is really important. He's really a great guy and I am so thankful that I get to experince life with him for a while. Sadly, he's a senior and I'm only a sophomore and that means he'll be leaving soon. *Sighs* Oh well, I'll miss him but I think we'll both be okay... Another reason he's a great guy is that he knows I'm bi and he doesn't care. That was really worrying me, but when I told him yesterday he just hugged me and kissed me. It was nice...
I love music. Music is my life. Well kind of, music is what moves my soul and makes me truly alive. I do other stuff besides band but I really love it. I'm a percussionist, and a chick percussionist at that. I always say that its not such a big deal to be a drummer, you just hit stuff, but it truly is an amazing experince. I love to play, to feel the beat flow through you, to know that everyone in the room can feel the vibration I'm making, to feel that vibration. God I love music.
I do everything. I'm in band, cross country, soccer, track, poetry interp., AP music theory, pre AP classes, sometimes drama, I'm a leader in my churches youth group, I do everything. I love it, but its really tiring. Right now soccer, band, my classes and my youth group are my main points of interest. Cross country is a fall sport, I'm not involved in this play, and I'm not doing track until soccer is over. I can't do two sports at once because I have hypoglycemia and I would be passing out all of the time. Not fun stuff.
My youth group is really awesome. It's the International Youth Of Unity, or otherwise known as the YOU. I really love it. We have these youth rallies every two months where all of the YOUers of Texas and part of the YOUers from Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, and New Mexico get together to learn crazy religious stuff. My chapter is hosting the next one just next week. The theme is The Beat, lol, guess who came up with that. Well, actually it was my sponser who came up with it but I was all gungho about it being based on music. It's going to be sooooooooo awesome. I'm really ready for it. It's going to be all about how we each have our "different drummer" and we step to a different beat but the music, the beats all come together to make a beautiful symphony of intricate melodies and harmonies. Wow........ That sounds cool. I might use that last sentence at rally..........
Now the real reason I hate living in Joshua is the fact that I have met so many cool people from Austin through YOU. I want to live down there so bad. I think I'm in love with a girl down there named Analise. She is amazing. However she is also my best out of best friends and doesn't want a relationship at all. She's bi too and she is in love with this guy named Ricky. Ricky is a good guy, I have never physically met him but we talk everyday on aol. I love him as a friend. Analise isn't the only reason I want to live down there though. There is also Vanessa, Celeen, Amber, Daniel, Ricky and all of these crazy people. They are my best friends and they live four hours away. But its ok, I'll get to see Vanessa, Celeen and Daniel on Friday at rally. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rally is so much fun. I love those guys so much and I secretly dream of moving down there when I turn 17. I probably won't though...........
As for living in Joshua, I guess it's not that bad. I have a house, a family who loves me, friends who do too, a boyfriend, I'm succesful at a lot of stuff, and I'm accustomed to living here. I really love my friends who live here. Josh, Marlina, Melissa, Amanda, Misty, Kaitlan, Rose Anne, Yvonne, Andrew, and Lyssa are all of my best friends here. Lol, thats a lot of best friends but I am lucky enough to have that many people that care about me a lot. Josh and I are fighting about stupid stuff right now and that makes me sad because he is my best friend second only to Analise. He's got a blogger here too. http://songforthemoon.blogspot.com/ Thats where you can hear him bitch about me. Even though we're fighting I really do love him a lot. He is an amazing writer for any of you publishers that accidently wander onto my site lol. But seriously, he is writing a book right now and its breath taking. Now he might read this and think I'm sucking up but I'm not. He's good. Really good. I wish he would stop being pissed off at me, I really miss talking to him. He won't tell me what he's mad about exactly so it's not like I can do something about it. I said I was sorry but *sigh* he won't forgive me. I guess things will work themselves out....................
Wow, this is really long. I guess I have a lot of things to say. I still do... Oh I want to clarify one thing. Even though I am in love with Analise I am trying to get over her and I'm not just using Kyle. I really do care about him. I think that's one thing Josh is mad about. I really do care about Kyle a lot, plus he knows about Analise so I'm not lying to him. *Sigh* Life is frusterating sometimes.
One last thing before I go to work on rally stuff. I want to tell you the reason I named my blogger Tears On A Rock Face. It is actually in a poem that Josh wrote to me about Analise. For a while I was having a really hard time dealing with the fact that she didn't love me like that and he was being really sweet and wrote me a poem. I didn't really think about it then but it makes sense now. A lot of people expect me to be this strong person who never falls, they expect me to be their support. And thats cool, I love to help. But sometimes when I'm about to fall they don't see it and they lean even harder on me for support. So I am supposed to be some kind of sturdy thing, aka a rock, and sometimes I hurt inside and can't show it, aka the tears. Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool when I came up with it. Or actually I got what Josh meant by it. I guess it seems dorky now. Dork on a fork!!! Long story, ask later.
Becca
1:51 PM
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