A teenager's crazy life with her small town world and wanna be big time consciousness...
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Sunday, June 30, 2002
I love my girl. I do. She's wonderful, no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much we tease each other, I love my girl.
You know, she's amazing. She is so good and so mindful of everyone. I love her.
By the way, lol, she and I are A-OK. It makes me happy. I guess I kind of like when things like this happen, because she and I feel so much better afterwards. I love her.
I do, I do, I do oooooooooooo............
9:13 PM
Saturday, June 29, 2002
I feel like bitching and complaining, but really, where is that going to get me?
I'm trying to grow past what I used to be, to grow stronger and wiser, but I have to take little steps. Small steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
These last few days have been days of a lot of realization about myself. I feel like I've lost some of that realization by coming home. This is a hard place for me to be and maintain any kind of positive spirituality. I'm trying though.
I'm trying to do what I think I need to do. Trying.
I have a weird feeling, a weird gut feeling. There is something weird going on between Analise and I. Not bad, not good, just something. It makes me uneasy. *Shrugs*
I shouldn't shrug that off, nor do I want to. I am needy when it comes to Analise. I admit that completely and whole heartedly. Its not a good thing or a bad thing, its just how I am. I can chose to change that if I want to.
I can chose to change anything I want to, taking small steps to acheive big goals. I can do it.
I still feel like bitching. Oh well.......................
9:54 PM
To Analise
So I Need You
3 Doors Down
If you could step into my head, tell
Me would you still know me
If you woke up in my bed, tell me
Then would you hold me
Or would you simply let it lie,
Leaving me to wonder why
I can’t get you out of this head
I call mine
And I will say
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the
Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
And if I jumped off the Brooklyn
Bridge, tell me would you
Still follow me
And if I made you mad today, tell
Me would you love me
Tomorrow? Please
Or would you say that you don’t
Care, and then leave me
Standing here
Like the fool who is drowning in
Despair and screamin’
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the
Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
I’m on my own
I’m on my own
I’m on my own
Oh no I can’t let you go, my
little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk
and the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the
Million things that I love
About you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
Do you need me? Really, what is going on in that head of yours? I really want to know, I'm scared.
11:43 AM
Friday, June 28, 2002
dabopgk: good, the last week has been like going into silence
tommot311: what do you mean?
dabopgk: gave me a lot of time to think, i liked it a whole lot
tommot311: awesome
tommot311: whatd ya think about?
dabopgk: yeah, it was really great
dabopgk: about me, about the world, about how life works, what i want to be, what i want and need to change, just everything and a kitchen sink
The last week has been EVERYTHING and a kitchen sink
Bi-regi was great. Awesome, amazing, fun, challenging, heart-renching, breathtaking, happy, sad, satisfying, ungratifying, crazy, sane, every single descriptive word you can think of. Wow. Just thinking about it. SOOOOOOOOOOO much of me has changed in the last week and a day, so many of my thoughts, my processes, so many of my ideals, my actions, my life. Wow. Where to start?
I can't decide, oh where, oh where to start..........................
Music. Music is my destiny. DUHHHHHHH, you would have thought I would have figured that out by now, but I just now got it. Music.
I love her. I could write a hundred poems, a thousand pretty words, a million perfect syllables and never ever land upon how I feel for that girl. Never. She is a blessing in my life.
I miss them all. All of those people from bi-regi. I miss the constant singing. Today on the way home from my Daddy's office I missed Celeen so much. There was a girl that sang like her on the My Fair Lady cd my dad has and I missed her a lot. She's great. I love her a bunch.
I'm ok with missing them. I'm good. Cause just like Sunshine told me, she's right here with me, just as they are. Right here in my heart and soul.
I cried a lot, now didn't I? I cried a lot this bi-regi. I needed to.
Wow. I learned so much. So, so much.
I'm going to start a journal, for me, not for you or for Sunshine or for Bob Dole. Just for me. I'm going to learn about me, learn to love me, learn to find joy in myself and how to be me all the time. I'm going to be me.
I'm tired of being Rebecca. I'm ready to be Rebecca Christ, or Christ Rebecca. I'm ready to grow and experince and learn and become brighter and more amazing than I already am.
Guess what?
I am bright and amazing and beautiful and I deserve the love that is granted to me. Did you know that? I didn't for a long long time.
I am loved. By many. By me, that is most of the time. By my parents and my friends and my girlfriend and my soul. Thank you god.
I love me.
I love me.
I'm happy with tears.
Life is beautiful.
Thats a good movie.
Soccer camp was good. I learned a lot, grew alot, thought a lot. I made ONE friend, one single friend. I was the quite girl who sat by herself and always looked sad. I wasn't sad. I was thinking. My one friend was my roommate, Rodly. She was awesome. Or cool, we really didn't connect all that much. I was really quite.
I either broke my thumb or tore the ligaments in it during the LAST session of the entire week long camp. I did it during the LAST scrimmage, in the LAST minute. Sounds like fun aye?
I really don't care lol, I can still type.
Life is good.
Life is great.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't ever forget.
Good bless.
6:11 PM
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Well, in about two hours I leave for my second bi-regional rally. Lol, a lot of my friends that aren't in YOU asked me if gays could go to that too or if it was a stricty bi thing. *Smiles* Its a CHURCH thing not a BI thing lol. After bi-regi, I go straight to soccer camp. Like I step of the bus and into my dads car and he drives me 15 minutes to TCU and I grab my bags and head for my dorm room. At least I get out of the house for that long. So, I might have access to a computer while I'm at soccer camp, but I know I won't during bi-regi, so to those I won't be seeing in the next week and a day, I love you much. Good bless you. (I meant to write good) Love to all.
P.S. Donovan, I love the story. Please tell Casey where I'm at, he and I have been talking on and off on line and I haven't given him this address, though you are welcome to give it to him. Love you much.
Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:42 AM
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Well, yesterday was just a nasty day for all of us, now wasn't it. My last blog was one of the most depressing that I've ever written, and I could say the same for Sunshine. I sure hope she's ok.
I slept last night!!! My mom gave me some prescription sleeping pills around 6 and I lasted til 6:45, then I passed out on the couch with a blanket and pillow. Sometime after that they woke me up and I walked to my room and passed out on my bed. I slept til 9:30 this morning. It's great. I hope I can sleep tonight...
I wish I knew what happened to Analise, I'm worried about her. Sometimes its just so hard being this far away from her. I love her, so much.
I have to clean my room so I can go soccer gear shopping for camp. When I get off the bus for bi-regi I go straight to my dorm room at TCU and to soccer camp. I'm kind of excited and kind of nervous. I'll have a room mate. Yikes.
I probably need to go. Much love to all.
*MUAH* To Sunshine.
9:11 AM
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Mexico
Incubus
You could see me reaching,
So why couldn’t you have met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put pressure on the wound....
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You’d better bend before I go...
On the first train to Mexico....
You could see me breathing
But you still kept your hand over my mouth....
You could feel me seething
But you just turned your nose up in the air....
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself...
You’d better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico.....
You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself...
You’d better bend before I go
On the first train to Mexico.....
1:32 PM
Hey Jealousy
Gin Blossoms
Tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place... Hey Jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around
1:27 PM
Don't Let Me Get Me
Pink
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
1:25 PM
Whipping Boy
Train
Since then I never feel helpless, recess, this mess if you do
And I find that even time well spent gets bent if you need it to
And we do
Well by now I've showed you how much I believe in the here and now and I wish that you knew
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy
You spilled your purse onto my bed
Searching for something for your head
Since then you never come clean I mean
You wish you only could
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy
I can get up¡¡
And I find that even time well spent gets bent if you need it to
And we do
And we do
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy
1:20 PM
Bullet Proof
Goo Goo DollsZ
Do you listen to yourself?
Never live for someone else
Do you like the way you feel?
Nothing hurts when no one's real
She wants to shake this scene
Yeah, she wants to shake with me
She's not looking for the holes in all their lies
I wanna bullet proof your soul
Would you like to lose control?
I won't let you fall until you tell me so
What are we?
(Whatcha wanna be?)
Everything
(That ya wanna be)
All I need
(Right in front of me)
I've know before
Would you come my way
Or did you burn out to the end?
Would you come my way
Should have listened when you called my name
Yeah, she wants to tear you down
And she leaves without a sound
It's like fallin' backwards into no one's arms
You're a bullet through my soul
And I'll never let you know
I won't let you fall until you let it go
What are we?
(Whatcha wanna be?)
Everything
(That ya wanna be)
All I need
(Right in front of me)
I've know before
Would you come my way
Or did you burn out to the end?
Would you come my way
Should have listened when you called my name
Would you come my way
Or did you burn out to the end?
Would you come my way
Should have listened when you called my name
Should have listened when you called my name
Should have listened when you called my name
1:15 PM
Sucks to be me.
I know, I know.
1:07 PM
If I could make the font on this bigger I would. If I could display more disharmony over this damn computer screen to you, I would. I HATE LIVING HERE.
I hate being in Joshua.
I hate loving someone who lives 300 miles away.
I hate living in this house.
I hate hating all of this.
I am so angry. So angry.
FUCK YOU WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leave me alone.
1:05 PM
I went to bed at ten after talking to Sunshine. I fell asleep at 11:30. Ben woke me up at 11:34. I'm still awake.
I didn't really even get to talk to Analise tonight, and I wanted to a whole lot. Ricky called and demanded about ten minutes of her time, then we talked for about five and then Vanessa and Daniel attacked her in her room. After about ten minutes of that, I called her back and then she and I talked for three minutes, then my mom demanded I come look at the blanket she's making me. That took another ten minutes, then, with 17 minutes left, I called her and we talked about nothing. Dang it.
I want to sleep so badly. Right now. RIGHT NOW. Either that or talk to Analise, but neither is happening, I might as well resign myself to that.
Sometimes I just miss her so badly. Sometimes I just need someone to kiss. A lot of times.
I'm wondering what the hell I've done to make half of the worlds population be attracted to me. When I figure it out I'm going to quit. Really fast.
Well, lets see... I'm funny, nice, polite, respectful, sweet, kind, silly, mildy attractive physicaly, smart, musical, artistic, entertaining, did I mention silly, crazy, sarcastic in a good way and an all around nice person. Hmmmmmmmmmm, which one do I quit doing and will Analise miss it to much...................................
I WANT TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so dead. I want to sleep. I want to sleep. I want to sleep.
Now.
12:47 AM
Sunday, June 16, 2002
Hmmmmmmm............ Is my life entertaining? Does it amuse the world? It keeps me busy, plus gives me a hell of a headache and makes me all tense and nasty feeling. I don't like it.
Well, I DO like my life, I just hate getting so caught up in the complications of it.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hampster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just thought you would like to know lol.
This not being able to sleep thing is really getting to me. My body is dead tired and I can't move without my neck and shoulders and back hurting, yet I can't fall asleep. My mom asked me if its anxiety over not making drum major. I don't think its likely. Its probably *grins* the after shock and withdraw from Sunshine. An amazing, beautiful, perfect girl like that could do this to me, I'm sure *grins again*.
Ever needed to ask a question but couldn't? Ever needed something explained but you know it can't be? I'm sure you have. Isn't it annoying???
I hope you dance
My dear friends, it has been a long year hasn't it? It has been a struggle all the way, a painful, desperate struggle. But we're still here, we're still alive and we're still mostly happy. Mostly. I know that we're all still sifting through the leftovers of this disaster, but we're sifting my friends, the worst is over, the storm is gone, the shelters long ago abandonded. We're through the worst, we're going to make it, don't give up now, not so late in the game. We're gonna make it. I promise.
First she laughed and then she cryed
Don't ask me where that came from, I just heard it in one of the songs I was listening to. No real purpose. Well, besides the fact that I usually laugh right before I cry, or while I'm crying. But, besides that coincidence, no real purpose.
I have a fan base. How strange. How exciting. People I don't know reading this. REALLY STRANGE. Yeah, welcome to my soap opera life. Feel free to join in, I bet you'd love it. Its complicated and confusing and almost everyone wants a huge chunk of my life that I'm quite willing to give if only that chunk wasn't already claimed by five other people. I like helping others, I enjoy it I really do, it's just so damn complicated.
None of this is written in anger or really in depression or anything negative. None of this is anyone's fault and from what I've written I don't think ANYONE should take offence to this, so if you find reason for offence, please disregaured it. I suck at spelling............. None of this is directed to ONE person or ONE situation in my life, it is mixed and taped and glued together to make my entire life come into view. Half of this NO ONE knows about but a boy that I talk to, not even Sunshine. No one from Austin. No one that my Austinites might know or have even heard of, I haven't spoken a word about it to any of them. And NO it has nothing to do with ANYTHING in a romantic view point, just wanted to make that clear. Yeah, so, anyways.....................
I'm so tired, so desperatly needingly tired. My dad got a new entertainment system with new speakers and everything. They just set it up about an hour and a half ago. Its loud. It prevents my sleeping. I need sleep.......
I need sleep. Insomnia. Loud gun shots *from movie*. Confusing thoughts and being lonely. Tired.........
11:59 PM
Saturday, June 15, 2002
My eyes are red and sting from long nights of not sleeping. My neck and shoulders are so tense that I can barely move. I think I have an ear infection and a nasal infection. I'm cleaning out the garage.
Well, that is, I'm going back to cleaning out the garage when it hits twelve, I'm taking a 30 minute brake because I've been working several hours.
I'm dead tired.
And really dizzy.
And I think that about an hour on the bus to bi-regi I'm going to fall asleep in someone's arms, hopefully Sunshine's but I know she'll want to talk to all the people she hasn't seen in forever. I just need some comforting right now, someone to pamper me and tell that I'm wonderful and that I'm beautiful and I'm perfect as I am. I need sleep.
I really need sleep.
................................
Time to go do the garage!!!!!
Yippeeeeeeeeee...................................
11:51 AM
Friday, June 14, 2002
ALCHEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My computer is letting me play it again. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have nothing of real content to speak of, or that is write of *smiles*. Is that bad, or good?
Have you ever sat and watched someone sleep? Watched their stomach and chest moving with every deep relaxed breathe? Sat and gazed lovingly as the strech and yawn and then fall into a deeper slumber? Its fun...
I'm watching my cat *grins*.
*Teehee*
*15 MINS PASSES*
Analise... I love how that name sounds coming out of my mouth, how it rolls from my tongue and sounds so perfect and absolutely divine. Strange how a single word could take so much time up in my mind, how three simple syllables could contain so much magic. Divine. Absolutely divine...
*37 MINUTES AND 52 SECONDS PAST*
Damn I'm good lol. I got to board 7, I've never gotten past 5 before!!! *Highfives* I am now a GRAND WIZARD!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Now I'll take over the world *chuckles evily*
Oh, well, now its Zacks turn to get online. I sure wish SOMEONE would have gotten on, I didn't talk to a single person the whole 2 hours I was on. Oh, I think I talked to Amber, but that might have been this morning. Oh well.
BYE YA'LL, DON'T BE A STRANGER, COME BACK AND SEE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Shakes head* What a dork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:23 PM
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Ever had someone you barely know come up to you and tell you their life story??? They tell you all of their problems and are compeltely comfortable in doing that? It happens to me, a lot. Tis crazy................
7:08 PM
I feel bad...... I feel like I've been neglecting my friends, but seriously, there is nothing I can do about it. Between Ben and Zack and my Mom and me all sharing one internet connection its almost impossible to get online, and when I do get online I've had a huge screaming fight with one of them, excluding Ben, we don't fight, and I'm pissy. I'm sorry to those I haven't talked to in a while, I love you all very much. You mean alot to me, seriously. I gotta go *grimaces* sorry babes. Love you all!!!
3:06 PM
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Famous
Vertical Horizon
Oh I know
That things are gonna change
The only thing for certain
Is that nothing stays the same
But all I want
Is love from you
Give me your hand
To hold on to
And if tears fill your eyes
Listen to my music it's no surprise
I don't want to be famous in life
I don't want to be famous in the world
I just want to be famous
Famous
I want to be famous in your heart
Oh I know
The wind is gonna blow
And in the winter
There's sure to be snow
But with the warmth of your smile
And the sun of your face
Shine on me in the darkness
With your love and grace
And if time hides my eyes
Listen to my music and recognize
I don't want to be famous in life
I don't want to be famous in the world
I just want to be famous
Famous
I want to be famous in your heart
And if time hides my eyes
Listen to my music
Listen to my music and recognize
Oh, and by the way, everything is A-OK with Sunshine, *grins*.
7:28 PM
Half the time in my life I don't know what I'm thinking, I guess thats why I'm still learning. I don't know what to do about that, or what to do about this. I just know that, well, That I don't know.
5:35 PM
To finish the thought from my last blog, I don't think blogging has been a real positive or negative influence on my life. I write, I post, I'm done.
Anyways, Analise and I had an interesting conversation last night. She and I have been slightly, oh I don't know, I guess put off of each other the last couple days. She's so busy moving and with swim practice that we barely ever get to talk. I have nothing to do at my house besides work off bi-regi and wait to talk to her, leaving me sufficently pissy because I've dealt with my mother and lonely because, well, I'm alone. Yeah, I know we DO talk every night, but sometimes its about nothing. Most of the time its about nothing. Last night we talked about us, talked about the future, about no future, about everything turning into nothing. It makes me wonder, what am I doing in this relationship. The only reason to have a romantic relationship is if you think you can get through life with this person forever, that you would, could and will want to be with this person for the rest of your life (by the way this is what I think, what I have based my "love" life on my entire existance, not anyone else's opinion thats involved, or at least not that I know of). I know, to some of you this doesn't make sense, but it does to me. There is no reason to involve yourself so deeply in a relationship in which you know will turned out to be nothing. I guess thats why I haven't dated a lot of people, well, that and the fact that the only people that I used to think I could date were boys. I think I would have dated a lot of girls if I had know that was a possiblity for myself. Yeah, so, anyways last night I said that I knew very well that I could be making out with Chris Ward in three weeks, that though I was commited to Analise it somehow wasn't for the long run. Whats the point if its not for the long run? I'm a goal seeking person, a person who strives to get to a point and when reaches it immediatly sets another point. The point of these kinds of relationships is to find someone you can be with forever. What am I doing???
Change is inevitable. Except spelled right. Change is even more of a pressing matter in relationships. In the last year and a half I've discovered that in a relationship, a close relationship, something will change every three to four days. Not just something little, like the jokes between the two people, something big. Something of grand importance. Something like might be happening in my little brain right now. Maybe.
Could I make it through life without Analise? Would I want to? That is the real question, would I want to? Its quite obvious that I could, I've done it for years, but now after I've seen what this experince holds for me, would I want to? Is this experince over now? Do I want it to be? I'm pretty sick of being alone, but starting another relationship with someone else would probably leave me just as alone. It wouldn't make Analise be here, wouldn't make her more real or less real. Sometimes I think I'm so damn silly, here I am playing with love like its Play Do, molding it, fixing it, reparing it with my salty tasting fingers. Play Do tastes good. Sometimes I think I'm just playing a part in an production, a huge love story, but I have NO idea what I'm supposed to be doing or how the hell this ends. I think I know how I want it to end, but what if we don't click in real life? In a life where those no phone lines, no cables, no plastic seperating us? What happens then? Two years down the cords? I don't want that. I want to actively do something with all parts of my life, I want to go somewhere with love, with this experince. Is talking about love enough? Is talking about the stars and the sky all that I want out of love? Uh, NO. I want the laughing and joking and the physical touch and the looking in eyes and the spinning and the racing and the tickling. The flirting and the smiling and the real stuff. But do I want it with someone else?
She and I talked about that, we both know who we would want to be with if she and I were nothing. Both boys... how strange......... Both of them happen to be femine boys, or at least what she tells me about this boy makes me think he is, I don't personally know him. If we already have our next victims in mind, what are we doing? Are we both planning for the moment we're apart? I'm not, at least I don't think I am, and I really don't think she is...
She told me that she doesn't think we'll be together for the next two years and for the first time I really thought about it. There is absoletly no way for us to do that. Not with how much we see each other, of course if we started seeing each other more we could possibly make it, but anyways. She said that we'll keep going on with this until we both tire out and want out. We might hook up in college. What? Huh? What are we doing???
What are we doing? Is this worth it?
I think I'm an idiot for posting this. She reads this.
Hi sweetheart, does it hurt for me to right these things? Does this make sense to you? Is this as confusing to me as it is to you? Does any of this make sense? Do we really know what love is? I know I don't believe that a single person was destined to be in love with me, but if it had to be someone it would be you. Why am I writing this? To shake the boat? To make the change? You know its been at least three days since I last was philisophical, its time for me to act like an idiot. *DING* Round one, the logic against love................ WHO WILL WIN???????????????????
Sunshine, I care an amazing amount for you, a gigantic huge part of my concern and care goes to you, but does that qualify it for love? And if its love, is it worth all of the shit we both put up with? And have I been enough of an idiot yet today or do I need to keep going?
What am I doing........................
4:57 PM
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's the PUPPET LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exciting.... Weeeeeeeeee........ Nosotros..............................
Yeah, I'm here voluntering at the Joshua Public Libray. Whoooohhhhhoooooo............ Not really lol. This is actually pretty boring. Sorry I haven't been on line for a while, my mom accidently infected the computer with a virus and now is afraid to let any one use the computer or get online, even on another computer. So, I'm stuck at home, bored to death............ Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Nosotros......................
The public computers won't let me check my e-mail or let me sign on to aim or really anything. I'm going to try to down load aim..... I doubt it'll work though.........
Well, crap, that didn't work either. How BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LITTLE BUNNY FU FU I DON'T WANNA SEEEEEEE YOUOUOUOUOUOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...........................................
Bored.
V stopped writing in her blogger, she said that all it did was spawn negative thoughts. I thought about my blogger and about if it was a negative influence or a postive influence on my life.
I GOTTTA GOOOOOOOOOOO BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:26 PM
Sunday, June 09, 2002
Its strange how a day can turn around, how a kind words from just a few people can turn frowns upside down.
Its strange how a day can turn around, and then I'm handing out advice again, making someone whos sad smile, making myself smile and making others laugh.
Life ain't that bad.
Joshua isn't THAT horrible, though its still pretty bummy.
Smiles look better than frowns.
I love you.
And you.
And you too.
And even you, back there in the corner by yourself, yeah, I love you too.
Love the ones who are lonely. They need it the most.
Love the ones who never talk. They are the lonely.
Love the ones who walk the halls alone, for they never talk.
Hell, I've got a simpler solution. LOVE EVERYONE.
Amen ta dat................................
11:32 PM
My eyes sting from the tears I can't get out of me, yet I feel better. Donovan's story really made me feel better. His writing is perfect, it portrays me to the T. Its nice to see how another person sees me, how they honestly perceive me. I seem to be a comic relief in many scenarios, and yet I'm not an idiotic comic relief. I'm the smiley girl that cracks jokes, yet is serious when she needs to be. The silly girl who has a brain, yet is strong and friendly and hopelessly in love with a girl. Donovan, you ARE a genius. All of you should clap for Donovan, NOW. Ok, I'm done, again.
7:35 PM
Thanks Donovan. You made me smile and you made me laugh, and, of course, you didn't even mean to. I love your writing, it is truly wonderful. I think you've captured each of us perfectly. Thank you.
6:41 PM
You've been sad for so long Rebecca........
Perfect Suburbia my ass.
You try living in this house.
Screaming and fighting, waking up to anger, going to bed crying.
You try living in this house.
Help! I need somebody,
Help! not just anybody,
Help! you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being around.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But ev'ry now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being around.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well, they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now, it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered why she hung around this place
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end, it's just her window ledge
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
Well, this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well, it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think of death, it must be killin' me...
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
Shands said that first quote at the top of the page a couple weeks ago, the Sunday before my parents left. Its true.
Help! by the Beatles
One Headlight by the Wallflowers
Don't you see what this takes of me?
I miss him.
I miss her more.
I need them both. So badly.
I want out of here. I want to get away from this god damned "perfect suburbia." Fuck.
From you
My mom asked me if I wanted to go to a boarding school, because she knows I'm not happy here. I asked her if it would be in Austin. "Oh, you would ditch us for Austin, now wouldn't you?"
I can't always,
Always,
Always,
Be wrong....
I would.
You seem to push me far away from you
Is it wrong to miss her this much?
You don't want to sing along
I don't understand. I miss her so much, I need her so much, I don't know if I can go on loving this much for much longer, but I don't know how or want to stop. Is it wrong to be upset when I only get to talk to her for fifteen minutes? Does that seem silly to you? It doesn't to me. It hurts not to talk to her, it hurts to think that I can't be there to spend time with her, it hurts to hold a fucking peice of plastic to my fucking head and say goodbyes night after night after night. I'm probably wrong. I probably have no right to be mad or upset or sad when I don't get to talk to her. So you know what? You can all say what you want, you can say how I'm so fucking god damned compolsive, how I'm so possesive, so whatever the hell you want to say. Obessesed. WHATEVER. I don't know HOW to love LESS. So screw you. FUCK YOU. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being sad, sick of being angry, sick of being so fucking alone. I'm fucking sick of Joshua.
Fuck Josh.
Fuck Joshua.
I apologize to those of you whom I might have offened in the last three paragraphs. Josh, if you even dare defy your god damned parents, I do still love you, I still care, and I always will. And I'm still NOT christian, I still AM bi, and I still DO love Analise.
To those that enjoy the town of Joshua- start raising money and you can ship me away. I don't care WHERE, I just want OUT.
To those I might have offened in the paragraph before, I'm sorry. No, I'm not. Thats how it makes me feel. I'm sorry if I hurt you, or our friendship, I'm not sorry I said it.
I want to scream.
I want out.
Now.
I want to cry.
I want OUT.
Its not having what you want
Its wanting what you have
Yeah yeah. I know. Divine order, affirmation and denial, prayer, meditation. Accepting what you have and living life to the fullest with what you have. Fuck it all.
No where I'd rather be
My hands feel empty
With no one to hold
She takes a shallow, shaking breath and shudders at the cold. Next to her, two dogs lay panting for a drink in the over hot room. She stares blankly at the computer, tears welling in her eyes and yet never quite dropping from her long curly eyelashes. Taking a deep breath, she embraces the cold, sucking up her tears and her pain. She laughs. Not the laugh of a free soul, but the saddened ironic laughter that seems to control her. It gets her through the day. Some how. Another deep breath, sighing out one more time. She knows, she knows...
5:47 PM
Saturday, June 08, 2002
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before
I've always wondered what those lyrics mean, I've never quite understood them. I figured it out yesterday during my huge fight with my mom and brother (Zack). I didn't especially feel good from sugar headaches and dizziness, plus I had a horrible dream that left me shaking and with a tear soaked pillow. Yeah, so, anyways, I finally figured it out-
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
The song is Motorcycle Drive By, by Third Eye Blind. It talks about a guy whos fallen for this girl, but can never ever have her. The pain of being alone is so powerful that he's never felt more real, more substantial than that moment. He hurts so badly that he has never experinced life and emotion to this extreme. *Smacks self on forehead* Seems really obvious to me now.........
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before
Brick by Ben Folds Five, is a guy taking his girlfriend to have an abortion. I think this is saying now that he's found someone, he's more alone than ever before because even though they're together, there's a wall in between them. That because he knows what its like to have someone, when he's alone he feels more desperate and lonely than ever before. Both of these seem so simple now that I've figured them out. DUH Becca. *Shrugs*
I had a good dream to start today off, though it was really quite strange. I was on a choir or band trip, I don't know which, all I know is it involved music, and V was with me. We were at this resteraunt and I got chicken fried steak. V and I sat at the same table and we were talking to these girls from my school named Sarah, Michelle and Lily. We were sitting under an over hang and to my left (behind V) was an old courtyard, kind of one like I would see in England. Suddenly, all the girls disappeared and a crippled boy named Fagan was sitting next to us. Vanessa told him how much she respected him because his pledge was a prayer (I don't remember what this applies to, I actually think its another dream, but when she said that I had a memory, and I'm not even kidding, pop into my dream persons mind of Fagan bending down in prayer while others stood with weapons. Pretty wacky aye?) He said something very humble and I agreed with Vanessa. Fagan had this aura around him, a grand yet simple aura. It was very saddening, like he had realized something that he had to do but almost didn't want to, he had just accepted that he had to. Then I looked to the courtyard and recognized it. I have no idea what it is in real life, I just recognized it in my dream. I said something to the effect that we've read about this place, its famous for someones suicide. I walked into the middle of the courtyard and V followed me and we talked about the name that was written in the stone under the third story window. It had something very important to do with history. She and I walked through the building and picked up an item of interest each, and placed them in our pockets. When we returned to the table Fagan was no longer there and they had taken all of the food but the last bit of my steak away. I ate it and complained about the fact that they took everything else away, including our drinks. Fagan appeared with his parents and he and I talked about his crippled leg and how he got it. I remember this conversation VERY vaguely so please excuse it if its a little out of place or strange. His parents stood behind him nodding their heads, though I couldn't really see their faces. He talked about wolfs that attacked him and how they always attacked him, never any one else in his group. I think that they always attacked him while walking either to or from a school of some kind. The always attacked him, even while he was on crutches, even while he was in a wheel chair. He said something that was almost like he had gotten used to it, that you must give yourself up to the evil to save others. I shook my head and then turned back to the table where V was. We talked about something that I can't remember and then she and I looked to my right. A huge patrol of guards arrived on their horse drawn chariots. (I don't quite know when this happened but V and I had progressively changed into young boys about the age of Fagan, so around 13, 14. *Cringes* Sorry V lol) I grabbed the interesting things that we had taken out of the building, knowing that the guards were searching for us, and told V just to walk away and pretend that nothing was happening. Once I had done that and had the things in my hand I ran through the courtyard through the other parts of the castle. It looked a lot like Carcasaan, a huge castle I had visited with my parents in France last year. As I ran I placed the different things along the path, getting rid of the evidince. I got to another path and I hid behind a wall that was about 4 feet tall, so I was barely hidden. At that moment a tall scragely man dragging chains and holding a bow with an arrow pack passed by the wall. He yelled an excited scream and unleashed an arrow in my direction, however it flew over my head and I saw Fagan take the arrow and go flying over the stone wall and down into the ocean. I jumped my wall and watched him fall, the arrow sticking out of his chest and his mouth open but not omitting a scream and he disappeared into the mist and waves. I knew that somehow, it was my fault, that he had taken that arrow for me and had saved me. It didn't make logical sense, I just knew it. That scene blacked out and then reappeared but it was me much much older, probably thirtys. I was standing there looking down where Fagan had fallen and I was truly sad and remoresful. Now remeber that I'm a guy at this point. Its not really me, just a character I was playing. Anyways, I looked down into the abyss of water for a while, then walked back towards the the castle, taking the long path back. I saw what I thought was a short cut that would take me out to look at the water and I took it. As I walked down it I realized that it was taking me directly to the water. When I reached it I swam maybe ten, fifteen feet to a small peninsula that couldn't be seen from above. When I got there, a woven house like structure was sitting there. I walked around it and found a sword that I some how identified as belonging to me and next to a step I found other weapons, claw like swords that you would attach to your hands, kind of like wolverines blades but longer and wider and you just had to strap them on, a long tall double sided battle ax and armour for the legs and arms. For some reason I identified them sadly as V's. When I opened the door to the shack there was a baby pig running around in it along with some bugs. I walked around wondering where the builder was that built it. In my dream I wandered in and around the place for a long time, though I can't really remeber what I was doing. The house was one long room, maybe five feet wide but ten wide. There was one window next to the door, about head heigth. I went outside again and looked and there were stairs on top of the building, so I climbed them. When I looked down there was a square hole in the celing. I looked through the hole and something was about to kill the pig, so I jumped through the whole, squishing what ever it was with my foot when I landed. I let the pig out the door and then was standing inside looking out the window when a human sized t-rex appeared. Ok, wait, let me make sense of this, it wasn't a T-Rex, it was like a lizard, but it looked like it was decaying yet it was still alive. It stood on two legs and the other two were in the air. It appeared in front of the window and it tried to attack me so I began to fight back with it using the sword that I had found. It was beating me when V's older appearance came from behind me with the armor I had found earlier, remember again that V's character was a strong middle aged man. He had a black beard and a strong voice. We fought the monster but couldn't defeat it. V jumped into the water and began swimming, calling to the monster to follow her. I screamed at her, asking what she was doing. She replied with the same thing Fagan had said a long time ago, something like I've got to give myself up so that others don't fall to evil. I yelled franticly, "Fagan was wrong!!! Fagan was wrong!!!" At that the monster stopped and turned back at me. He ceased to look like a monster anymore and looked like an older Fagan. He smiled at me and ran back to the house, grabbing a sword from a compartment over the door that I didn't see. "I AM FAGAN, COME BACK, I'M FAGAN!!!!!!!" V's character came back and we were all crying and hugging and then I woke up.
Very weird dream. I didn't make any of it up either, I remember all of that, and a little bit more too. That was enough though, and a very long blog too.
My mom is tempting me by buying Oreos and Twinkies and Little Debbie treats. Dang it. I want sugar.................
Weird dream. I wonder if there's any underlying meaning.........................
I'm going to read it to my mom and Zack when they get home. It should be interestante.
I'm worn out and tired of writing. I'll post more later.
Bye.
12:10 PM
Thursday, June 06, 2002
Guess who just spent two hours RE-cleaning the house??? Ummmmm, me. Zack is taking the finals he missed while in Scotland and England, my dad is at work, and my mom acctually has a part time job as a permissions editor for several books, including my dad's. Well, the lady thats my mommy's boss told her the permissions for this book were due next January, and now has suddenly changed it to the 14th of this month, so yeah, my mom is pissy and not any help at all. So. Yeah.....
ANYWAYS................... The reason for the cleaning- BEN IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me so happy!!! He happens to be the best big brother in the world and I love being around him. I look up to him so much. I wouldn't mind being like him in some ways some day. He's a freaking genius. He's made 4.0s three out of four semesters at TCU. GENIUS. *Looks proud* I've got some of the same genes as him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Ok, maybe that was just funny to me........................
Ok, I'm leaving..................... NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:26 AM
Well. Yeah, so, anyways............................
Nothing really to write about. Analise is still having trouble with Amber and Ricky. We all need to sit down together (aka chat room) and talk this out. There is NO reason why we can't sort this out and be friends again. I don't want to lose Amber or Ricky and neither does Sunshine. So, all of you that check this, be ready to talk tonight, cause it needs to happen if we can do it tonight.
Celeen, I need your e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanessa got a new blogger, it makes me very happy. I think shes actually going to blog, unlike you other blogger bums. She writes. I like it. It makes me happy...................................
My mom read about two lines of my blogger yesterday before I shut the window. It was this part- "Analise+Becca+Time Alone=Secret Giggles, Happy Couple, Lots Of Love, Good Energy." All she asked was, "Secret Giggles?" "NOTHING Mom. NOTHING." GRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want them to stay out of my stuff!!!
My mom gave me another talk about some girl that was kidnapped, rapped and killed by someone she met online. GUESS WHAT!?! I don't talk to people I haven't met before, and if I do, I DON'T meet them. Out of the rest of the people I talk to, probably only ONE wants to do anything really *ahem* daring with me, and maybe a few might like to kiss me. BUT GUESS WHAT!?! I know these peope, I've met these people and I love and care about these people. Geeezzzzzzz. I'M A BIG GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am.
I hate it when my baby hurts. I hate it when I can't do anything for her. I hate the fact that I'm up here and that she's down there with all of the controversy. I don't have to take ANY of the shit. I want to. I don't want her to have to go through anything of this crap. I love her and I wanna make it all disappear. NOW.
I'm done. Nothing else to write. TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:59 AM
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:37 PM
I'M CUTE!!! WORK FOR ME ARCHIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 AM
WORK ARCHIVES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:39 AM
*Attempting to think of something of content to write about*
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......... So............... Cows!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cows are muey interestante!!!!!!!!!!!! Vaca chivata means fat cow in Spanish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How exiting, aye?
I am truly bored and unentertained. And I'm really kinda lonely. Who would have thought that my life would turn out like this? I would have never ever guessed. Maybe the bi part, yeah I would have guessed that, but not the girlfriend in Austin, not the ex-best friend, not the pile of best friends three hundred miles away, not the obession with music instead of sports, not the hypoglycemia. I might have guessed the music part, maybe.
I told Zack yesterday. He was like, "Ok, cool." I asked, "Thats it?" He said, "Seriously?" "Seriously." "Cool." He said that he didn't want to see me kiss a girl, and I said he would someday but I swore I wouldn't make out infront of him lol. He told me he was gay, and when I asked if he was serious he said no and laughed. It was pretty funny. I like how he laughed it off. He's gonna do great out there some day, I know he is.
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." Amen brother.
Sorry, that was really, really random. I do like the quote however..............
Cats are mildy entertaining.
Cat+String+Moving Hand= Happy Cat, Laughing Becca.
Analise+Becca+Time Alone=Secret Giggles, Happy Couple, Lots Of Love, Good Energy.
Becca&Analise-Becca=Analise, Becca+Joshua= Lonliness.
YOU+Analise+Long Bus Ride+ Becca= Estatic Joy, Anticipation.
Ricky+Amber+Analise+Becca=Akwardness
Ricky+Amber= Happiness
Analise+Becca=Happiness
Happiness+Happiness= Akwardness!?!
Confused+Logic=Confused Logic
15+Days+YOU+Analise+Bus Ride+Becca= 2 Months, Happiness, Joy, Snuggling.
Becca+Spare Time= Scary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My foot itches......... SO SCRATCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did lol!!!
My arms are empty............ So hug someone.......... But I don't want to hug just anyone................... I pick HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15 days............................................................
Poo.....
Poo, Poo.............
I miss her.
And I'm bored....
V got a blogger..............
I need to add it to my links, now don't I?
U2 is a good band.
My mom went to pick Zack up from the weight room. I'm home alone, and bored, and lonely.
BLESSED ARE THE CHEESE MAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just thought you would like to know..........
10:12 AM
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Well, I've spent most of the morning organizing my music library on my computer. I've been doing that for the past couple days and I'm still not even half way done. Its kind of fun though, I get to listen to a lot of music so that makes me happy. Music ALWAYS, well most of the time, makes me happy. *grins*
Stuff with Amber and Ricky are ok now. I don't know why it was such a big deal now but I'm glad its over. I wouldn't want to loss either of them, I love them both so much. Amber sent me a letter and she said that she looks up to me. That makes me feel really good. I'll never forget how excited she was the first time I let her play with my drum. It still makes me happy to this day. Shes got her own drum now and plays all the time. Its great.
I miss Analise, of course. Its only been ten days since I last saw her and I'm going crazy with lonlieness. I swear that I see her everywhere, I hear her voice, close my eyes and shes right there in front of me. I dream of her, while I'm sleeping and when my eyes are wide open. While I'm sitting outside by myself and when I'm talking to my parents. I see her shape in the stars as I hear her voice on the phone. I love her more than can be explained. I can't even explain it to myself, and I'm quite good at figuring things out. Love is not logic, not something to be thought out and explained. However, it is something to be learned and taught and experinced. I wonder how I found love so fast in my life. Maybe I wasn't looking so franticly and hard like a lot of people do. In fact, I wasn't seeking love in the smallest since, not this kind of love. It found me though. I'm glad it did.
11:21 AM
Monday, June 03, 2002
Poooooooooperssssss. In short, poopers. I'm bored out of my mind and I'm supposed to be cleaning. You know how I spent all day Saturday completely and perfectly cleaning my house? Well, my family trashed it. They've been home for all of two days and its a pit of sh*t again. Pisses me off. Anyways...
I miss Analise. Anyways...
I never should have said ANYTHING to Amber. All that I said was that things felt uncomfortable between her and I since she and Ricky had started dating. Apparently they took it as me saying that I'm uncomfortable with them dating. I'm not. I'm glad they're dating, its made life easier on ALL of us. Its made life better. They are happy together and Analise and I only have to worry about us now, its great. I didn't mean for it to be taken like that, but they did take it like that. I don't know why. Its agitating. Anyways...
I am currently recording EVERY cd I own on to my computer. I own over a hundred. Its fun, yet time consuming. However, it will be worth it in the end. I'll be able to make some very kickin' burned cds. Some day I'll go through and list all of them. Probably not today. Anyways...
I'm supposed to be cleaning. I don't feel like it. Yeah. Anyways...
The past couple days I've been really tense and tired. I think it has to do with mowing all of my yards all at once. Thats a lot of yard. A LOT of yard. Anyways...
I miss Analise like crazy. I'm not sad like I was this morning, but I still miss her. I'm jealous of everyone who gets a real relationship with her. It drives me nuts. Anyways...
I don't particuarly feel like any of these thoughts today are worth holding on. They all kind of seem pointless and juvenile. I do my best thinking in the dark, outside with the stars. I love stars. They hold so much knowledge, of course not literally, but they allow my mind to wander with a guide. I like it. Anyways...
Yeah, so, anyways.......................................
4:15 PM
Hide
Creed
To what do I owe this gift my friend?
My life, my love, my soul?
I've been dancing with the devil way too long
And it's making me grow old
Making me grow old
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
What are you going to do with your gift dear child?
Give life, give love, give soul?
Divided is the one who dances
For the soul is so exposed
So exposed
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide (4X)
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave...oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide
No reason to hide
12:36 PM
Well, I haven't posted in a while. *Sighs* I have no idea why.............................
My parents and Zack got home from London Saturday night, however I was gone at the YOU inductions. So I saw them on Sunday. It was really great to see them, I missed them more than I thought I would. It was kind of crazy. When I saw my dad I almost tackled him. It WAS crazy.
It made me feel good.
Last night was one of those nights when it hurt to say bye. She and I sat there on the phone for about five minutes trying to say goodnight. I could feel that loneliness welling up inside me as we said we loved each other three or four times. It made it hard to breathe. I had tears in my eyes. When I heard the click I just let the phone rest on my head for a little longer, then I turned it off and rolled into a ball. I shook some but I was ok. Luckily I was outside, no one from my family saw any of this. I didn't have to explain it to them. Explaining stuff like that is hard.
Analise and I had a wonderful conversation last night. It was mainly me talking about random ideas that popped into my mind and then us talking about them. I liked it. I like how she likes my randomness. How she giggles when I talk. How I can feel the love in her voice. How we can talk about everything and anything. I love her and I miss her and it hurts.
When I'm around you
I feel like I could die
And that would be alright, alright
Its nice to know that you've found someone that you've been searching for. To know that you've got something a lot of people search for their whole lives. Its nice.
Its hard. Its hard to know that I've found someone who I can tell everything to, but I can't see or touch her. Its hard to know that you love someone so much, but can't have anything to do with them. Its hard.
I miss her like crazy. I always do. Maybe I am just crazy. Sometimes it feels like it.
Sometimes it feels like we're so distant from each other. Like its a million miles not just 300. Sometimes.
Someday.................................
11:33 AM
Saturday, June 01, 2002
I mowed the yard. It took two and a half hours. My hands are rubbed almost raw from pushing the darn mower. I am very tired. I still have to clean the entire house, sweep, mop, dust, eat, get ready for YOU inductions, and center myself. Maybe not in that order. *Sighs*
I've decided to stop cussing. Not for religious reasons or because someone said so. For diplomatic reasons. I realized yesterday when I cussed at a timpani that almost fell of the cart that I can not expect my drummers (I say my because I am drum capitan, not because I own them, though Calvin claims I own their souls *smirks*) to one, respect me, two obey my orders, or three not use gay slurs. I need to gain their respect and cussing at stupid things is not acceptable nor will it make me look intelligent or respectable. I can't use any explitives and expect them to edit their vocabulary enough not to use fag, faggot, gay or the like. So, I'm going to attempt to quit cussing. Yay. How fun.............
I'm on lunch break at the moment, just fyi. No one seems to be online. I know Analise is off painting her new house or condo or whatever. I think Ricky is moving into his new house. I have no idea where Celeen or Vanessa are, I only know that the dynamic trio is getting together tonight to paint something or other. *Shrugs* I have YOU inductions so I don't feel as left out. It'll be nice to get back to church. I've missed it a lot the past couple weeks.
Ouch. My hand is killing me. I'm gonna leave now. I only have one bite of pizza left.
Love to all.
Party hearty.
Eat your vegatables.
Bye
*smirks yet again*
12:19 PM
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